Thoughts on becoming a SAHM

In My Humble Opinion
281

I just need to write this down somewhere.

After a long talk with my husband, we agreed to let Wee Weasel try again today at the Academy. My husband dropped him off and is waiting at the local library 7 minutes away in case anything happens. He was really difficult this morning, so I’m not very optimistic. At 1:30pm my husband is going to talk to the director of admissions and try to get a sense of what kind of support they can offer. It’s probably going to take 1-2 months to get him stabilized and I doubt that behavior is a freak occurrence. It’s the same thing he got suspended for in Summer SACC. My husband is having trouble letting go of the dream school, I have pretty much given it up.

His behavior is increasingly off the rails. I’m back to where we were when he started kindergarten, we’ve got a kid in crisis right now and stabilizing him is the foremost priority. He has an appointment Friday with his pediatrician to talk about medications.

In the meantime, I have spent the morning submitting forms to register for public school, as I’m thinking there’s a very low chance he continues at the Academy and I am trying to minimize the disruption for all of us. I have informed my boss what’s going on and that I may need to take FMLA and she is supportive.

I am completely overwhelmed by work right now (deadlines are deadlines) but I’m just keeping my head down and focusing on the school registration. If I have to work all weekend, I will.

Very hard to not to blame myself for all this because I think we really messed up this summer. With the chaos of the move, surgery and weeks where he was home and I had to work, we over-relied on screens without really monitoring his input, we also had some marital difficulties to work out and I’m sure he could sense the stress radiating off of us. We should have pursued medication sooner. We did not adequately prepare him for the new school. We had all these plans to figure out healthier structures after he settled into the new school, including whole-new screen-time policies, but it’s too late.

At any rate, because of his behavior yesterday, there are no screens indefinitely until at least October. I doubt it’s the only factor and it may not even be a major factor, but I want to know. This will give us time to figure out what to do next.

I expect that the new public school transition is going to be very rough, similar to last year, and we just have to strap in and let it ride itself out. I am told this district really knows what it’s doing with 2e kids, and it has a stellar reputation, so maybe things will improve. Or maybe this is just our life now.

My mental health is not great, but I don’t have much time for navel-gazing and I don’t think falling apart would help the situation. We just have to keep going.

282

I think you shouldn’t blame yourself. It really isn’t possible to do everything at once when there are so many different things to do.

And yes, sometimes keeping on keeping on, one minute at a time if necessary, is the thing to do.

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It’s a new environment. I suspect he is rather anxious, and that is a huge part of why he’s acting up.

I don’t think you should “call out his bullshit.” He’s very likely expressing exactly how he experiences what is going on. It would be better to believe him and work on helping him learn to control it rather than go the antagonistic route. And in the small likelihood that it’s a lie, the motivation for a lie would be as an excuse. If you don’t let it be an excuse, that lie won’t last.

I have no problem believing him, though. There is a model of autism that has to do with a lack of effectiveness of inhibitory neurochemicals, like GABA. It can explain the overstimulation, the inability to single out a single person in crowded space, the need to stim, the trouble with executive function (i.e. what you are seeing here) and so on.

I very much hope you find what’s best for him. But you are an attentive parent who cares and is willing to keep trying, so I wouldn’t worry about “what we’re doing wrong.” It seems far more likely the issue is not the stuff that’s been mostly same, but the stuff that has changed.

He most likely is acting up because he’s in a new environment and anxious, even if he can’t articulate that.

284

I want to recognize how hard this is for him but there also has to be some level of accountability. I told him this morning we are going to do everything we can to support him, he is not on his own to figure it out, but he needs to put in some effort too.

I do agree the thing he most needs is stability. Positive support and consistency at home and school for an extended period of time and eventually he’ll probably settle. It’s going to suck in the meantime but we’ll keep working at it.

A lot has changed for him this summer and I feel for him.

285

…a long list of things.

For fuck’s sake, cut yourself a break :slightly_smiling_face:. You think or are imagining you messed up, you really don’t know. Perfection is unachievable in anything, but in parenting particularly so. Keep working and re-working the problem as pro-actively as you can (and as reactively as is necessary), but don’t beat yourself up that you couldn’t predict and plan yourself out of every potential eventuality with your obviously absolutely unlimited time and resources. You could have done everything just so and it still might not have worked. There is a limit to how much you should hold yourself accountable. Just say ‘damnit, I wished we had…’, then try to move on.

I know you’re not a robot and are going to take some of it on the chin no matter what. I also know you know all of this already. But sober, realistic pep talks cost nothing, including the ones you give to yourself.

286

Thank you.

In a completely unexpected reversal of fortune, my husband’s meeting with the Academy went really well and our son had a really good day. He responded well to support and redirection. He even sat and talked with other kids at lunch!

They understand the issues better now that my husband explained everything and they want to work with us over the next few weeks to try to get him on a better path. So we may be in limbo for a while but we’re still in the running!

They actually asked us not to try to medicate him right away because they want to get a baseline first. They also gave my husband a ton of local referrals. They really get it.

So I guess my husband was right not to give up hope.

287

Oh GOSH. I was off sdmb last week and didn’t see any of this until now. I’m so sorry, this sounds so hard.

haha I had written more but it sounds like today went SO much better and yay and good luck to you all!!

I’ll keep one thing I wrote before: The thing about parenting is that (a) you don’t get a controlled experiment and (b) you do get some do-over time. (a) means you’ll never know if more prep would have made a difference, or different screen time policies would have made a difference. It might, or it might not have, and you can’t beat yourself up about it. You were super stressed out this summer and you did a LOT of things that will be for his benefit and you can’t do everything. But also (b) you have a great backup plan and you will have another year to prep him if that school is the place that he belongs and it doesn’t work out this year.

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It’s been a crazy roller coaster.

I’ve been meditating lately and it helps sometimes to remember how much drama can happen in your own head that is really not grounded in reality and definitely not grounded in the present. We can only move forward from here.

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Of course. I was just suggesting that he probably is telling the truth, and that the issue was lack of ability, not a lack of willingness.

It sure sounds to me like he wants to do the right thing, but lacks the skills in that moment, in that brain state, to do actually do it. And thus it might be more beneficial to focus to discuss and practice how to handle himself when he gets into that state than to tell him what he already knows: that he shouldn’t act that way.

Of course, this is stuff you probably know from CBT, about how you have to practice skills in the moment when you are feeling the uncomfortable emotion. I just disagreed with the guy saying that “calling his bullshit” was the way forward.

I am quite happy that things have gone better today. He’s lucky to have you and his father who can have those types of discussions and that they are willing to work with him. As much support as I got from my parents, I must admit I am a bit envious.

And hey, if it is anxiety based, the kiddo’s already dealing with that, and more time getting use to things will only help more. I’m quite optimistic for you guys!

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Thank you, I really appreciate the encouragement.

291

Whew,

And it really does seem that this school wants to work with all of you on this. Which is excellent.

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It’s also worth remembering that they have extensive experience with kids like your son, but little experience with parents like you. Laying down the law on day one was probably both right and necessary for the child, but also necessary for parents. I’m going to go ahead and assume that 90% of the parents of difficult* children have less of a bird’s-eye view of the situation or the realms where they can and can’t influence their child. As they get to know all three of you, their approach will be more individually tailored.

*term of assessment, not judgement

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The summer may have been absolute chaos and his first day didn’t go the way you wanted, but don’t lose sight of something major - one way or another, he’s not going to the same school he had last year! That’s huge!

You are a good mom, and your husband is a good dad, and you have a wonderful kid. You all will get to where you need to be.

294

I absolutely agree with this, it’s what I was thinking. I’m so sorry, I really thought things were moving in a more positive direction.

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I understand the accountability, I do think the new environment is a very possible factor for his behavior. And, maybe, he’s testing the waters.

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I am so glad to read things went better today. I hope things keep going forward.

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That age was so hard for my kid. Kindergarten and first grade were minefields of social interaction and overstimulation that caused many, many bad days. We’d get more calls from the school in one week than my wife or I got in our entire school career.

“Your kid is under a table and won’t come out even though school is over, and the teachers want to go home.”

“Your kid peed behind a bush on the playground.”

Some genuinely amazing educators at the public school helped so much through those tough years. They all had the trait of not taking any of it personally. All (except the principal) had the attitude of, “meh, that was a bad day, but we have a plan, and tomorrow will be better, or not, but this is a good kid and we’re all here to help.”

It can be so hard, even when it is also funny. It’s also easy to say to go light on yourself, but that is really impossible. There were weeks when I feel like I was managing everyone else’s emotions (even the principal’s). I was just giving away spoons, and handing them out as fast as they regenerated, so none left for myself. No simple advice on how to get through it, other than just to keep being there everyday.

298

True dat! If I had a nickel for every “guaranteed” cure or “sure-fire” method to improve something with my daughter, I would have retired long ago. We tried dozens and dozens of things with very little success. That said, stay optimistic because sometimes a thing will work or at least help.

Second, for the meds, maybe your son is on anti-depressants? Be EXTREMELY careful when changing meds for the follow weeks. A different anti-depressant can trigger suicidal thoughts.

Echo what others have said that you’re being a great parent, and it’s not easy! What my daughter’s pediatrician (who spent 45 minutes in the delivery room breathing for her until she breath on her own) who looked after her for the first 6 years said: “progress is good. Speed and how much progress is secondary. Celebrate the progress.” It was sometimes helpful to me to look back on small things that were impossible (ex. tying shoes) that by 8 years old was something she could do independently. Avoid beating yourself up regarding milestones and goals that are artificial. Hold your son to standards that can be a stretch out of his and your comfort zone, but don’t make an artificial deadline. Sometimes it took us literally hundreds of repetitions over years to meet a standard. And congratulations that day two at school demonstrated progress. (And I bet either this school or the public school will give you a lot of tips and tricks on how to reach your son.)

299

Wee Weasel had another rough day, we got the official news that the Academy is a no for this year, however they think he may be ready in the future.

So back to public school. It’s a good public school though. I submitted the paperwork Wednesday and I’m just waiting on notice of admission.

I’m a bit worried but it’s more than a lot of kids have. They have a strong reputation with 2e kids. And I’ve even heard good experiences from parents of kids with much higher support needs. I’m pretty confident he will be treated well there.

Beyond that I’m not really sure what to expect.

300

I can’t help but feel that they jerked you around, and I’m so sorry. I work with a lot of 2e kids in my public school. It’s never perfect, and I always wish we had more training and expertise, especially since every 2e kid is so different. But we love the kids and do our best for them, and it sounds like you’re in good hands with your new local public schools. The great thing about them is that they won’t turn you away. I’m rooting for you and the wee one!