Thoughts on becoming a SAHM

In My Humble Opinion
1

So here’s the deal.

My husband and I work full time and we have a five year old Level 2 autistic boy who just started kindergarten. I had kind of hoped his needs would taper off as he got older but we seem to have jumped from the frying pan into the fire. He wants nothing to do with the other kids and he’s eloped (run away without warning) twice in the same day this week along with a host of other behavioral issues. The elopement is quite serious - he got outside the safety gate at recess and had to be chased down. And we recently started him in social skills group twice a week every night which we deem critical to his needs right now.

After we met with his teacher this morning we started trying to figure out what was really going on with him. Well, the first and most obvious thing, he’s not getting any sleep. Social skills group - which is critical, as is the support we’re getting around troubleshooting these school issues - totally throws his schedule (and mine.) I recently started handling all drop offs early in the morning so my husband could get more work done. I am now doing all that plus picking him up - quitting work at 3pm, driving him to social skills group losing two hours of my time since it’s too far away to go home, and then driving him home. About 90 minutes of driving two evenings a week plus two hours of lost time. My husband is a clinical psychologist and he is constantly swamped and struggling with all the logistical things that come up when he needs to get work done. There are days he comes home and goes right into childcare mode with no break. He works most weekends.

I love my job, though it is very stressful, but by the end of the day I feel like I have so little left for my kid. I just feel like a zombie. I’ve been eating cereal for dinner. It’s going through the motions at this point.

But we cannot figure out how to logistically meet the needs of everyone in our family. We decided to take him into school later in the morning so he can get a little more sleep (still not the recommended 10-13 hours.) This required me to change my schedule and leaves even less time in our workdays.

And finally I was like, okay, what if we took the nuclear option? What if I became a stay at home Mom? Take him to the bus stop every morning, manage all appointments, keep the house clean (it’s wrecked), handle all transportation and school logistics, and all my husband needs to do is just work and then come home and rest? Believe me, he needs the rest. Kid gets the sleep he needs, I have more time for self-care, cooking dinner, exercise, housecleaning etc. This sounds very appealing to me. I’m at home most days anyway so I’m already used to being here. I would just have more time to get shit done.

Downside: I lose a job I love and we lose a little less than half of our income. We are currently putting most of that income into savings/investments. We’d probably have to put a lot of this on pause as our son gets sorted out. I’m guessing this would last 2-3 years just giving him the presence and support and therapeutic support he needs. There’s a decent chance my husband’s income would increase given more time to work. Maybe I would do some free lance work or have some kind of contractual relationship with my current agency.

This kid is so smart he could work at NASA someday. That’s the potential. The challenge is giving him the support he needs to get there. I don’t want to look back and think, “oh, if only we’d had the bandwidth to do more.” I felt like an absolute monster when I realized he was sleep deprived. This would be a hard adjustment for a neurotypical kid but he’s not and we’re asking him to do it all without the sleep he needs. I just think getting him in a regular, consistent schedule, getting sleep, getting attention at mealtimes, all of it could turn things around for him. But I cannot do that while working. I don’t even usually have to work a full 40 hours each week and it’s still too much.

I just don’t know what else to do.

Thanks.

2

It’s something to try and free to test so you might try figuring out ways to poop him out physically, before sending him off to school and again sometime in the evening.

3

Not being a parent, I’m not in a position to give you any sort of advice. But I just wanted to say that both your devotion and your empathy (and, yes, your exhaustion) really come out in your post. You’re going through a lot, and handling it better than I could ever hope to.

You and your family have a lot of love to give, and I hope you can figure out these logistical challenges for the next few years, even if that might mean putting your career on temporary hold. If I were in your shoes, I’d probably take that opportunity not because it’s necessarily the best choice, but because I would simply burn out and go insane otherwise… continuing the status quo simply wouldn’t even be a choice. You sound like a much stronger person, though, which makes the decision that much harder…

All I can say is, hang in there, you’re already performing admirably given an incredibly difficult situation. I hope the best for you all, whichever path you choose!

4

That is a great idea, I just wanted to clarify that the reason he’s not getting sleep is because his schedule won’t allow it. We had him at lights out at 8:30 and waking up at 6am. We figured out a way to let him sleep until 6:30am. That’s nine hours and still below the recommendation for his age.

It’s mostly because his social group has him coming home at 7pm and he needs a longer time to eat than most kids. So we’re even struggling to get him asleep by 8:30pm on those days.

5

We’re all sleep deprived.

6

Do you guys have a financial safety net in husband’s family?

I came in here thinking, no way you should quit your job, but now I’m leaning towards it. I wish you all luck.

7

Worse comes to worst, yes. And we’ll likely inherent a fuckton of money… soon… But we try not to base decisions on that.

We have a lot of money in savings and investments, but also a lot of it should go toward retirement. I don’t think we’d have to spend it, I think we’d have to put current savings on pause.

8

It sounds like you have two good options to choose from, but I think SAHM is the way to go for now. In our younger years even though money was tight while raising 3 kids, the wife was a SAHM and you just can’t get those precious years back. It was an investment into our kids’ nurturing. The kids are now 41, 39, and 37 and doing well. You can’t get those years back, and once they’re spent they’re spent.

As for the job you love, if you do go the SAHM route and if it’s the kind of work that allows for this I suggest considering doing some lite consulting projects from home, with the occasional visits into the office (1-2x/month). This, to stay current and to show a continuous employment history. And to continue building your retirement and investment funds. But that’s of course only if you don’t plan to ever return to work.

My best to you all in this time of possible transition.

9

Seems like quitting to be able to devote the right amount of time to the kid is your best path forward.

Do you see yourself being able to pop back in to the workforce in 3 years, in your line of work? If so, then I don’t see why not! I really like the idea of you doing some contracting for your current agency, too. Keeping that door propped open for yourself would be huge.

10

They will be devastated by me leaving. I’ll be pretty sad too. So I think they would be amenable to negotiation and I could maybe keep that door open.

You know, I may or may not return depending on what he needs and our finances. I’m trying to just accept that this wasn’t some extra need he had as a youngster but that this is the reality of parenting a child with a disability and he’s always going to need something more, probably every year of his life.

Hopefully I can talk my husband into it. I’m hoping “you get to relax after work” is a big selling point. He did not shut down the idea, I think he just needs to think it through.

11

That is so tough. At the risk of sounding trite or glib, what you decide will be good enough. More than any particulars, kids need love and support, and your kid’s got that in spades.

If it works for y’all to have you be SAHM, fantastic! But if not, please don’t feel like a monster because you realized that he wasn’t getting enough sleep. Instead, feel like a detective for figuring it out. (And it looks to me like at 5, he’s right on the edge of the “9 to 12 hours” recommendation, so it’s not like you’re committing a human rights violation).

With a kid with a lot of behavioral needs, it can be so easy to think everything is your fault. But the transition to kindergarten is hard on so many kids, and especially on neurodivergent kids; this might just be a storm to weather instead of anything y’all aren’t doing right.

I hope I’m not overstepping here.

12

I haven’t actually read all that many of your posts about your child care situations, so this may be totally out of the question, but is hiring help out of the question?

Probably not a full time nanny, but if you had someone who worked, say, 6 a.m. to 10 a.m five days a week, could you offload the ‘supervise getting the child washed/dressed/eat breakfast/drop off at school’ duties, plus maybe they could spend an hour or so doing a load of laundry/cleaning up the kitchen/vacuuming/whatever housework is most needed that day?

13

do it. You’re family (and yourself) are the most important things in your life. You will survive, you will not be out in the street. So savings will be paused, it’s not the worst thing in the world.

14

I seem to recall that you were looking into a sleep study to see if you had sleep apnea. Did that happen? That could go a long way to helping with coping.

A sister had a special needs kid and a husband who was useless in helping out with anything (unlike your situation). She had no choice but to put her career on hold. But the longer it went on, the less able she was to get back into her career, as there wasn’t enough time in the day or enough bandwidth emotionally, until 20+ years had passed and her job skills were obsolete. Her husband had left her and he developed a progressive debilitating illness. Now she’s completely impoverished.

If you end up becoming a SAHM, please keep your hand in the workforce. It’s too easy to lose sight of that while you’re taking care of others’ needs.

15

We’re currently weighing whether a less demanding part time job would help, or maybe my job will let me work part time (probably would. I used to work part time. I don’t even think I would get less done.) I’m thinking also of taking 4-6 weeks of FMLA if I can, just to get everyone adjusted.

The stress for me is not hours worked so much as logistics. I have ADHD (inattentive.) About half of my job is administrative; there’s just so much shit rattling around in my head, when you add the political stress of Trump’s war on non-profits - I’m currently having to focus on the radical changes in grants policy just to figure out what they are even looking for in grant applications now) it’s a lot to manage on top of running a household and caring for my son. But if I had a job where I was only writing grants or something like that it might be easier. Or even if I had the two days off that my son has social skills it would help.

My husband is mostly worried about money, which is fair.

I have a sleep study scheduled in two weeks. I’m hoping it’s that simple for me.

Thanks, I appreciate the reassurance. He fell asleep in the car on the way to social skills tonight. I’m in a cafe right now trying to make the best of it.

By the way: he did very well in school today.

16

If I’m not mistaken, you’re a social worker. I’m a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, and my son with autism is now 33. I was a SAHM for several years and do not regret that decision at all. The entire family benefitted from having a relaxed parent who could focus on home and quality of life. I found that whenever I had the time and energy, I could pick up as much work as I wanted. Agencies are desperate for workers with good skill sets, and with the downsizing in funds for non profits, they often prefer to hire part time or contract for work people.

When I was ready to re-enter the work force I found a decent job fairly easily.

We lived on a budget for a few years, but found says to make

17

I was never on some high stress fast track in a job, so I can’t advise there.

I will say I’ll never regret being a SAHM. I had 4 kinda typical kids. It was just not possible to have a nanny or outside childcare.

There were times when I realized they’re doing too much and cut out some extracurricular things and voluntary activity. The anxiety it created was more than was healthy.

Is, maybe this the wrong time of the year for this social skills class? He just started kindergarten. And this added may be stressing his system out. I know you said he needed it. Can it be put off til he’s more at ease with school?

18

That’s a valid question. I think it’s helping him cope with school, just because he’s so stressed during the day and social skills is just him and handful of kids, he can make friends with other autistic kids in a low stakes environment. From his perspective I think it’s a reprieve from all the bullshit. He’s over the moon every time I pick him up. So it’s the right choice for him.

19

I don’t know how it would work on your child but that would be my leverage with my kids behavior in school. I’d use his social class as a treat.

Sounds brutal but for some kids it will work. I’ve done similiar.

I think if you reduce any unneeded activity, maybe shorten your work day you guys can get through this. The first month of a school year is always the most unnerving. It will ease up. Then holidays. Ugh. More stress.

And you get to do this for 12 more years. Lucky you, huh? I did it X 4. Thought I’d never get done with it.

Then they brought me grandkids. Wo0t!

20

All I know is that the social skills group ain’t going anywhere for a long time. This is something they want to have available to him through adolescence. And the support of these people, I can’t tell you. They’ve been helping us navigate his issues at school and are creating programs for him to practice during the group.

When I say this place is one of a kind…

And he loves it so much, it was really hard for him to go from 24 hours a week there to now only four. He said he wanted to go there until he was old enough to work there.