Thoughts on becoming a SAHM

In My Humble Opinion
21

This (or the FMLA) seems to me the best answer. Maybe I’m not quite following the schedule, but it seems to me that going SAHM doesn’t get your kid to bed any earlier, it just gives you more time during the day to take care of other things. Hopefully part time would give you a few needed hours.

From what I’ve read, being AFAB, my kid’s autism doesn’t really fit into any the levels. They’re verbal, way, hyper-verbal, and they thrive on social interactions, they just don’t understand the other people involved. That’s just to say I have some experience with a kid who has a similar diagnosis, for whatever that is worth.

The elopements are really scary, but ultimately something that the school is going to have to be very involved in. Despite living across the street from the elementary school, my kid never made a break for home (though a neighbor kid also ASD, did leave the school several times, and that is very scary).

When my kid eloped, they’d just wander around the school. What really worked was giving them someplace safe in the school to go. That was a quiet corner, the special ed classroom, the counselor’s office, and such. For my kid, it kept them from disturbing other classes, and for the neighbor kid, it kept her in the building.

The lack of sleep means that all rolls have a huge penalty. I don’t know if there is anything you can do to fix that. When my kid had ABA, they wanted her there for 25+ hours a week, which is like a part time after school job. It was impossible, and I had to push back very hard, because they made all kinds of appeals to insurance. Problem was, 3:30-8:30 everyday after school is a brutal schedule for a little kid.

So, if you managed to read all of that without falling asleep, here is some bullet points!

  • Engage the school as much as necessary to get their support. If they refuse, can’t follow the IEP, or are just incompetent, best to find that out in Kindergarten, so you can look for alternative schools.
  • You survived the newborn days without any sleep, you’ll survive this, too, once you manage to find a schedule that works. I don’t know if early bedtimes on normal days and late bedtime on ABA days will work, but even if your kid gets adequate sleep only some nights, that will help tremendously.
22

One thing it would enable is for him to sleep later. Maybe he could catch the bus in the morning at 8:15am instead of leave the house at 7am. I’m trying to think if there is any way I could make this work without quitting my job.

My husband wants me to take intermittent FMLA just at least so we have some breathing room to figure out how to make this all work. I just have to figure out if something like this would be covered.

23

Ah ok, just assumed it was one of those schools that starts at 7am or something.

So, you need to get to work early, so kid has to get up early, and go to SAC or something like that? Seems rough. I’m sure you’ve thought of ways to make your day start later, but they aren’t viable.

Even if FMLA doesn’t work, maybe even an unpaid leave of absence for 2-4 weeks might be workable? Don’t be gone so long they figure out how to get along without you!

24

That’s an excellent idea. I remember hiding in the carpark in order to be alone as a child. Sometimes you just need to get away from the crowd.

Logistics-wise, could there be an option to take him out of school for two afternoons a week and send him to the social skills group earlier in the day? He’s already well beyond kindergarten level educationally, so the social stuff is far more important for him. It would cut into your work time more, but maybe they would let you go part time?

Alternatively, could he eat in the car on the way too/from the social skills group? Like sandwiches or crackers or something? And then go straight to bed when you get back? I’m surprised they don’t let the kids have a meal there, since it’s right at tea time.

Sounds like what you actually need to do is hire a PA to take care of the administrative side of your job, but that never seems to happen any more. However, you could at least ask about going part time before taking the option of quitting.

Another suggestion that’s probably stupid, but I may as well throw it out: if he’s going to be attending the social skills group for his whole childhood, and especially if it is in a city where you may need to access other services in future, could you perhaps move closer so the drive isn’t so long?

But yeah, it’s so difficult. My daughter doesn’t have the same issues as your son, but she struggled socially with the transition to school last year, and I feel bad that she has such a long day with school followed by after school club. Most of the other kids her age aren’t in the club full time; they get looked after by relatives some days, or their parents’ work part time. She’s supposed to read to us in the evenings, but there’s so little time to fit it in, and she can never focus for more than a line or two. If I didn’t have work and could pick her straight up from school, she’d have plenty of time to play and unwind, and maybe she’d find it easier to practice and learn.

25

I am so thankful that Ms. P and I were in the same line of work when our kids were small. We shared one job, so we both got to stay with the kids every other day. I wish you could go to part-time if that would help.

26

Logistically, I’m not sure i understand why your becoming a stay at home mom helps your son’s sleep.

(I certainly understand how it might help yours!)

27

I haven’t read through the responses yet, but I wanted to pop in and say, do not play the would’ve, should’ve, could’ve game. Your situation is so different from most parents, and my heart goes out to you. That said, at the end of the day, we are parents and, we try the best that we can. Do not stress and lose sleep (because you are) over if I had done this. I should’ve done that. It is so transparent how much love you have for him. Are there closer resources or support groups for him, you, and both of you that would help? Can the school or your local community help out with that?

28

I’m seeing things about having a safe space at scool, yes, absolutely. If it has not been suggested by the school, you should advocate for this. How is his care team at school?

29

Oh yes, that’s a game few of us will ever win!

30

And you’ll never actually know. You have to make the best choices you can in the moment, and then move on.

31

Particularly with the reality that your husband’s family is loaded, they’ve more or less got your family’s retirement covered.

The way I see it, you working a job now, most of which income goes to retirement savings, is you sacrificing your current sleep, your current sanity, and your kid’s immediate welfare on the altar of middle-class pride at being less dependent on hubby’s family’s wealth later.

IMO that’s a silly tradeoff. You do you, but I’d quit the job tomorrow.

32

And I wouldn’t, because I’d go crazy if my only job was childcare and housework. When I had little kids, I found it incredibly restful to sit in my office, and know I could finish that hot cup of coffee at my leisure, without worrying about burning little hands. For that matter, when my mom had a pack of chidlren, she collected graduate degrees, and my father joked that paying for grad school was cheaper than paying for therapy. (My mom was a great mom, by the way, by pretty much any standard.)

But everyone is different, and if you can afford to be a full time mom, and if you would find that less stressful, and if you would also be able to give your kid more support, that sounds like a really good case for becoming a SAHM.

33

For the general case I surely agree w you. I didn’t have kids precisely because my late wife (who was then fully healthy) and I could not decide which of us was going to be the SAHM / SAHF to raise our putative brood.

The OP has a special needs child that essentially demands every waking minute of her attention. Or so she tells us. That’s the basis for my prescription that the job is optional, the child care is not. At least now at the kid’s current age.

Certainly the working or not decision can be revisited periodically going forward. The nature of her work is not high-powered career ladder stuff. If she’s good at it now, she’ll be able to pick it back up later. Her skillset is in demand for the entities she’s interested in.

Heck, she can quit cold turkey now, work full-time with the kiddo for 6 months and if she finds that too challenging for her sanity, she can almost certainly go back to doing her old job part or full time as kiddo’s demands permit. It’s not like people are beating down the door to take high stress low pay jobs at struggling non-profits in our current era.

34

Honestly, I’m in the “this doesn’t give the kid more sleep, but will help Mom" camp here. You’ve taken on way too much, and it’s burning you out. I’ve read enough of your posts to feel that you like your job, overall, and when considering your interests you’d like to keep working. I may be wrong on that, of course.

I’d revisit the arrangement with your husband about you doing all drop offs, all pick ups, all drives across town, all so he can work more (is there burnout on that horizon too?) and have less involvement in childcare. Sounds like he’s getting a much easier path here, even if his job is very difficult and stressful.

We share the morning work; my husband gets kiddo breakfast and dressed (though at his age kiddo is pretty much fully independent) while I pack his lunch. I start work early, husband does drop off, then can finish later in the evening because I do pick up. After-school activities are kind of split, but if one is going to a kid activity, the other does the groceries and prepares supper, for example. We cook with leftovers so lunch is planned for the next day.

I’m not seeing why, twice a week, you’re going absolutely insane for 12+ hours and dad “works” and isn’t involved. Sorry, perhaps it’s not as imbalanced as it seems, but that would be a hard no from me. This new system doesn’t work for 2/3 of the family and I’m not liking the idea that those two people have to sacrifice more to make it work for the third.

35

Plus, Spice_Weasel has written before that she’s the family cook, due to her husband’s inability to manage it. She is really overloaded.

36

My husband does most of the cooking nowadays because I’m not great at it and find it stressful but certainly when kiddo was younger and needed an earlier bed time I would do a lot of the Mon-Thurs suppers. Simple meals, but good enough.

One thing we have done for over a decade is use a service that delivers frozen vacuum packed meat twice a year (paid in monthly installments). One delivery fills a chest freezer and we get chicken (cuts or whole and a fantastic Piri-piri one), ground beef, steaks, pork chops and loins, sausages, some prepared brochettes, meatballs, chicken nuggets, marinated items, some frozen pizzas, etc. We get some canned and frozen veggies though prefer to cook with fresh. Also bulk items like laundry and dishwasher fluid, toilet paper, etc. All delivered and just available and there’s ALWAYS something we can cook.

Our groceries consist of getting milk/cheese/bread/cereal/cookies/fruits and veggies. The service works out to prices similar to the mid-high grocery stores around here, but it’s a flat rate and they guarantee prices for two consecutive years at a time. Absolute game-changer and stress reducer for us.

Laundry I mostly manage on the weekend but I can run loads throughout the week because I often work from home. Things might sit for a couple hours until I take a break but a load or two gets done in a work day. Sometimes. I fall into that “obsession with work” mode and can forget!

37

This is my take, as well.

You will never get this time in your son’s life again. If you can take a sabbatical from work to give him more time and attention, do it! And if it means alleviating your stress, allowing you to improve your quality of life - well, that’s a no-brainer.

38

Life offers few opportunities to explore an entirely new and challenging lifestyle, with support of your partner and the potential to impact your family most wonderfully. You possess so many talents and gifts, you seem certain to succeed and thrive.

I say don’t hesitate, commit! Dive in with anticipation and excitement for great times ahead! NOTHING LESS. Anticipate only exceptional outcomes.

39

I am not taking care of my son every waking minute, but it’s a challenge to balance the logistical needs of all three of us, and we err on the side of the kid. To take the sleep situation - the later my child sleeps in, the less time me & his Dad have to work. It’s a direct trade off. He can’t go to bed any earlier because of social skills.

My husband does not remotely have the lighter load. But the difference between us is I have ADHD so it doesn’t affect him the same way. His executive functioning is much better than my own. But it does affect him. Which is why I’m trying to take some of the stuff off his plate. He’s paid by the billed hour, so every extra hour of work he gets counts. If he misses half a day of work we lose hundreds of dollars in income. In contrast, I’m salaried, and I have a lot of flexibility, and I’m just expected to get my job done and nobody is looking over my shoulder.

I told him I want two things:

  1. To not feel constantly overwhelmed
  2. To help make his life easier. He gets so little time to himself.

I refuse to believe these are mutually exclusive concepts.

I have no problem dropping the kid off in the morning, it’s better for me to get my ass up and showered before 9am, otherwise I’ll be a zombie all day. It’s also important for it to be every morning because I need a set schedule so I can start putting this part of my life on autopilot.

I took the day off Friday and just spent it relaxing and doing long-overdue housework and it put me in a less reactive state of mind. I’ve had some talks with my husband about how this can all feel easier. He’s very reluctant for me to quit my job due to finances but he said ultimately it’s my decision. We talked more broadly about what we wanted out of our weekly schedule, and we settled on a few changes that we both felt good about:

  1. Sleep in 30 minutes later
  2. Rather than only one of us handling childcare each night, establishing some nights as family time. Sunday and Wednesday I cook a meal, we take a leisurely dinner and enjoy each other’s company. My son takes forever to eat so we may as well lean into it.
  3. I’m taking every other Friday off work for a while. This is just for me, and I’ll probably balance the time between rest and getting the housework done that never gets done otherwise. Having a clean house makes an enormous difference in how I feel.
  4. When I looked at how I’m spending my time, the most obvious place to make cuts was The Dope. Sorry, guys. I decided to limit posting time to the Tuesday and Thursday evenings I’m sitting in a cafe twiddling my thumbs, which is now.

Things have been better. Hopefully they’ll stay better.

40

Tweak what’s not working in that plan as soon as you realize it’s not working.

It’s all about balance and scheduling.

You’re there! Keep on keeping on.