Thoughts on becoming a SAHM

In My Humble Opinion
141

It means if we tell him to do something, he does it. Or we tell him not to do something, and he doesn’t do it.

In essence, it means good/appropriate behavior. My husband coined the phrase, I think because my son has difficulty actually listening, and getting him to hear us is half the battle. He’s had his ears checked; it’s just innatention and impulsivity.

We try to avoid the word “bad” and stick to the positives.

For example, during his haircut, he kept trying to stand on the footrest of the salon chair, which is not meant to be stood upon. It took a lot to get him to stop, I had to physically remove him from the foot rest. Once he was away from it and I reminded him of the deal, he stopped messing with it. But that was a small blip of not listening and he had overall good behavior, so he got his screens.

Good listening is in fact very relative to what I think is realistic for him. The standard is not perfection. But it does get under my skin when I tell him not to do something and he keeps doing it, all while demanding a reason why, and then you give him a reason, and he argues with the reason. We really want to cut that cycle short, especially because he’ll do it even if the thing is potentially dangerous. In my opinion he has very low danger awareness, combined with his impulsivity, I worry.

I had a good cry today. It was triggered by something else but once I got going, it was about all this.

142

I’ve gotten a lot of terrible advice on classroom management over the years. Possibly the best piece of advice I’ve ever gotten, and one that I wish all teachers took to heart, is this: it’s not personal.

You build relationships with kids to the best of your ability, you show them love and you set boundaries and you care for them the best you can. And when they act out, even if it’s personal, you tell yourself it isn’t. Because that’s the only way to remove your ego from the situation, and that’s the only way to keep from responding to the child in frustration and anger, and that’s the only way to make your response measured and appropriate to meet the needs of everyone in the room.

It’s really really hard to keep “it’s not personal” in mind. If a kid is engaging in behavior that makes it impossible to continue a lesson, my god it feels personal. But you can’t teach if you take it personally.

It sounds like the teacher is taking things personally, and that’s so hard.

When my daughter was like four, she wanted something, and I told her “no, that’s not negotiable,” and she fucking SCREAMED at me, “EVERYTHING’S NEGOTIABLE!” She’s almost seventeen now, and that’s still her default belief, but she’s gotten a lot more reflective about it and knows when she’s going to hit the brick wall and it won’t be worth trying to negotiate.

One phrase I used with her a lot, when she demanded a reason for a decision she didn’t like, was, “Do you want an explanation, or do you want an argument?” I told her I’d be happy to explain my reasoning, but if she wanted me to do so, she needed to let it go after that. If she wanted an argument, I wasn’t interested.

The only way I’d explain is if she chose “explanation.” And if she tried to argue with my explanation, I’d tell her that I was a lot less likely to explain next time, now that I knew she’d argue.

(This isn’t something I’d use, of course, for cases where an argument might be appropriate, like if we were choosing a summer camp or making another big decision where her input was vital.)

143

He has had excellent listening overall since Friday, including cleaning stuff up without arguing. I think reducing his screen time has helped. I know he has a tablet at school and I wonder how much that dysregulates him.

144

Ok I’m definitely going to try this one!

145

God damn it I’m so mad right now. My husband had sent a letter to the psychologist asking her to evaluate today for ADHD only, expressed his concerns that our son will be labeled ODD inappropriately and it will be used against him in school. It was a long, thoughtful, and sincere letter.

They just called four hours before the scheduled appointment for his evaluation and cancelled, and they want to schedule a session to talk to us both separately but not until January. She said something about setting us up with a tester who can meet our accomodations? I don’t know what that means - the psychologist refuses not to diagnose ODD?

They want to talk to me and my husband separately? Why?

I increasingly do not trust these people. I think it’s fucking weird they were testing our son without even meeting us first, and even weirder the 70 minute results session was scheduled over the phone when we live nearby. But meeting with them first is actually what should have happened in the first place.

I just didn’t want this hanging over our heads for the next several weeks, and it looks like it’s gonna.

146

Okay I guess this is about something else entirely. Apparently my husband sent an email asking for accommodations for our son’s IQ test and it backfired spectacularly. Sometimes I wish he would just leave well enough alone.

147

I’m pretty sure you’re the first one who’s ever asked for accommodations from a place that specializes in diagnosing neurodivergent and mental health conditions in children. I’m sure yours is the first kid they’ve ever tested who can’t sit in a room with unknown adults for two hours and answer all kinds of questions with no refusals or annoying fidgeting.

148

I know, I know. We’re in the process of seeing if they can reverse course. It sounds like the tester was worried they couldn’t get it done in the allotted time because it’s their busy season and they had someone scheduled right after our son. I think my husband sent the email yesterday and the tester was under the impression our son is more disabled than he is. In fairness to them, my husband has an, let’s say, overcommunication problem.

Again, all of this could have been avoided if they had met with us first. :roll_eyes:

149

Okay, crisis averted. We talked to the doctor and she was actually super cool. She said she would never give a diagnosis other than ADHD without talking to the parents first. She said the testing won’t even include an IQ test, which was my husband’s misunderstanding. He explained how things have gone downhill rapidly at the school and that’s why he’s so anxious. She said she understood. She said she’s been doing this for thirty years and nothing is new under the sun. My husband apologized and she said not to feel bad at all, they will support us 100% of the way and after our phone session tomorrow she will want to meet with us in person on the 2nd.

So, his evaluation is tonight, and we’re back on track.

This is emotionally exhausting. I now understand the meaning of the phrase “worried sick.”

150

Wow, what a roller coaster. I’m glad the doctor seems very reasonable.

With this new info, it seems like the phone consult is just because she wants to make sure you have info as soon as possible and probably with the holiday season it’s hard to pack in in-person meetings.

151

I panicked because my husband didn’t tell me about the email he sent with the IQ test accommodations. I assumed we were being rejected because we didn’t want him to be diagnosed with ODD. So in my head we were going to have to find someone else, or maybe we wouldn’t be able to find help at all prior to our meeting with the school. Then my husband felt really terribly about sending the accommodations email and I had to talk him down. It’s been really easy (for both of us) to get into a spiral these days. I’m glad I’m seeing a therapist on the 7th.

Fortunately it seems like this lady comes across panicked parents a lot in her line of work.

And yes, I think all of this was complicated by the holiday schedule. They were trying to get us in before our insurance resets.

152

I’m pretty sure you aren’t her first panicked parent. :smiley:

153

It’s so so easy to get into a spiral with this kind of thing. Especially given that you’ve got some time constraints here. But this whole thing is so stressful. <3

154

Meanwhile my son continues to have model behavior at home (within reason for a five year old.)

Makes me wonder how much of what we’re seeing at home could be stress from school.

155

My husband says he found a book for us in the waiting room:

[Album] imgur.com

:joy:

156

Your son’s experiences in kindergarten are giving me flashbacks to my own elementary school experience. I was never diagnosed autistic, mainly because I wouldn’t cooperate when they tried to test me*, but I sure as hell am. I have all the earmarks of female autism. And school was a trial because there were so.many.people around all the time. I think 90% of the problems with schools could be solved with smaller class sizes, but I’ve accepted that I’m shouting into the void as far as real change is concerned.

To make this relevant, your son is probably just overstimulated from so.many.people at school and he’s better at home because there are fewer people and he knows you and his dad. In my personal experience, it got better once I knew the kids in my class better but it took a while.

*I refused to speak to the psychiatrist doing the testing. No one told me what I was there for, including the tester who got snippy with me (an eight-year-old) for not going along with whatever mysterious thing she wanted me to go along with. I was tired of getting picked on for going to the counselor’s office all the time (it was the 1980s) and as far as I knew this was more of the same. I understand child psychologists are better now. They sure as hell couldn’t be worse than that bitch. Nearly forty years later and I’m still holding that grudge.

157

I’m sorry you had such a negative experience. A lot of women with autism and ADHD slip through the cracks. I wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD (predominantly innatentive) until I was 34. I’m not sure if I’m autistic. I have some traits. As does my husband. And I think some of those traits form a shared connection between us.

He told me, “I have a really hard time understanding how my writing is going to come across to other people.”

I said, “Maybe you should write that down. For a therapist. Just sayin.'”

I’m fortunate my husband and I are largely on the same page. He said in his clinical experience, that’s actually rare. It’s a point in Miles’ favor. I can’t imagine how I’d feel right now if my husband and I weren’t able to support one another.

It’s been invaluable to me to read about others’ experiences here and the support and encouragement is appreciated so much.

158

I think, with the whole email and your worries of an ODD diagnosis, that you two might be getting in your own way a little here.

You are incredibly involved and caring parents, well informed and seeking all resources that can help but also feel like you’ve reached a desired conclusion on this testing and aren’t letting the process run its course.

I know it feels urgent to you and time feels too long, but it’s the Christmas holidays. The fact they’re seeing patients at all this week is great. The fact they spent time explaining things to you is great. The fact they rescheduled or readjusted to schedule you back in is great. Even if your son did meltdown during the assessment, that’s informative in this context.

I think you and your husband have to assume this place knows what they are doing, and then get out of the way and let the process unfold. It might not go as you like, but that’s where reassessment and second opinions and verification as your son gets older will come in. What if he really does have ODD? Don’t you actually want to know, despite the challenges that might mean?

You’ve said it yourself with your own diagnoses over the years: it opens up resources, provides vocabulary and tools and options.

You’re doing the right things to help your son, but you have to let yourself breathe. And your husband write his emails…just maybe not send them!

159

I agree with you.

For the record, he didn’t melt down. Although the tester did bring my husband in for the final test, more as a precaution. She said, “Now I understand why they changed the schedule for me to do this one.” Apparently the originally scheduled tester was less experienced.

Just preliminary results. He tested reading at a 4th grade level, spelling at 1.5.

She said he’s really smart, he just really needs to work on his patience.

That’s about the size of it.

We are meeting via phone tomorrow for the results. This was originally our scheduled date day, and then everything happened. There won’t be a lot of dating, though I’m hoping at least for a nice steak dinner at the end.

We are very tired. Did I mention we’re also trying to set up a trust at the same time? It needed to be done. Lots of stuff just needs to be done.

160

Well. We got the testing results. For the cognitive stuff, he was superior in reading (4.5 grade level) and spelling 1.5 grade level.) For the card sorting he figured out stuff she said they normally don’t see until teenage years. But, notably, he ignored anything the tester said and figured it out for himself. She said this is typical with ADHD.

His vocab was a bit below average.

However, the results of the other tests suggested that there’s something more going on than ADHD. She didn’t really say what she thinks that might be but he appears to have executive function issues beyond ADHD. She’s also a sleep specialist and thinks there’s a possibility he has a sleep disorder affecting his executive functioning. He seems to have problems integrating information.

She has ordered additional tests for the 29th and 30th and we’ll have results on the 31st. She may at that time order a sleep study.

One thing she did say is that he’s probably not going to get the accommodations he needs at a public school. We may be getting to a point where we need to look at smaller private schools, or homeschooling, at least until he can build up the skills needed for a larger setting.

They have a 16-week executive function program for him to do, too. We’re really getting the resources we need and even though it looks like his case is even more complex than we thought, it’s a step closer to whatever is the solution for this kid.