I’ve been thinking about death a lot lately. There are multiple reasons for that. My first born daughter, who was killed in a car accident when she was just one year old would be 27 next week. I’ve been hearing on NPR about the memorials for the Upper Big Branch Mine victims as the one year anniversary just passed. the report yesterday had me in tears on my drive to work.
And, my 87 year old Father in Law just had a stroke and is in the NeuroICU.
I’m an athiest so dying doesn’t hold any mystique for me. I don’t think that I’ll be reunited with the two children I buried when I get to heaven or my father or anyone else who was close to me. I think when you die you’re gone and that’s it.
My husband and I moved in with his parents last year to assist them in their final years. My father in law has Alzheimer’s and is 87, my mother in law probably has Alzheimer’s also (that’s my completely un-medical opinion) and is 89. They were struggling with their only son so far away so we moved 3000 miles to live with them and take care of them.
It’s been lots of difficult transitions for us but none has been as difficult as the past 10 days since Dad had his stroke. He already had a medical proxy and a living will. We signed a DNR at the hospital so they won’t take heroic measures to keep him alive.
Still, he’s catheterized, tied to the bed (because when he’s awake he tries to rip out the IV, Catheter and other items attached to his body) and now is being fed by a tube in his nose because he can’t stay awake long enough to take food orally.
When I look at him I hate that these may be his last days and it’s ending like this for him. I want to talk to hospice but my husband and mom are just waiting for the Dr. to tell them that this is the end. I asked my husband yesterday “what do you want him to get well for? So he can wander around the house in his bathrobe, confused, like he did before and your mom can yell at him when he misses the toilet? Maybe we should let him depart gracefully” But no one’s having
any of that.
My mother in law is completely surprised and shocked that he might die. “Can’t they cure this thing that he has?” I tried to explain to her that people get old and their parts wear out but she really doesn’t seem to accept that as reality. If you ask her she will always say she doesn’t want to die. She’ll tell you how healthy she is (she is really healthy and doesn’t look 89) and the idea that this is the end of her life never crosses her mind. Her sister, who is 85 thinks about dying all the time. When I told mom that she laughed and said, “why would she do that”.
I used to think that I wanted to live to be over 100, 107 was my number. Now I’m not so sure. I sure as hell don’t want to be restrained and fed bland, gross pureed food and wired with monitors, IVs, catheters, etc. I wonder how I’m going to make sure that doesn’t happen.
And yet the nurses and doctors are doing everything they can to keep an old man alive and for what? For us? For his wife? and while I can see the rationality and the reality in that question, when it comes right down to it, I don’t want to let him go either. I want him to get better. It’s like my rationality and my denial are duking it out.
I know it’s probably TLDR but I’d appreciate your thoughts, advice, experience.