Actually, sitting on the toilet taking a dump is the best place to read the Weekly World News. Nothing quite like emptying my bowels while reading the latest adventures of Bat Boy. 
I don’t want to use up any of the toilet paper at home unless it is an emergency. Hell yeah I’ll hold it in, till I’m touching cloth if necessary. But don’t get the vapors – oftentimes I’m masturbating when I’m in there.
My boss sniffles a lot. It’s how I vector her position vis-a-vis my visits to hungryjoes. God bless her ruddy chapped little nose!
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But only when the stench is making ME queasy, you fucking crybaby. Are you one of those cleft assholes who goes in the employee john and brushes his teeth and rinses out his Tupperware? My spastic colon echoes my contempt for you, Felix Unger.
I - CARE - BE-CAUSE - YOU - HIT - A - FUCK-ING - NERVE
Diane, I like you. I think you are usually a thoughtful and intelligent poster, but think for a second. There are a lot of people who have IBS or IBD (myself being the latter) that can’t hold it like your precious rectum can. Why don’t you think for two seconds before reminding (already) embarrassed people like me that we are “stink-asses”. Would you tell a handicapped person to stand up and fucking walk because they are inconveniencing you in some way? Or how about a handicapped person who can’t help passing gas? Would you call him a “stink-ass”??
BTW, I am MASTER of the courtesy-flush, but I don’t carry fucking spray with me! I don’t stink half as much as some normal-boweled people do anyway.
And before you say, “Well, I wasn’t talking about YOU!”, keep in mind that you never know why someone has to use the bathroom at work, or the grocery store, or school, or wherever your delicate nose may be.
On behalf of everyone with Ulcerative Colitis or Crohn’s Disease, I FUCKING APOLOGIZE!
[However, if you were just trying to be funny, please disregard the above rant. ]
That’s my thoughts exactly. Burning watering eyes, skin melting off my body, stomach hurling, lungs bursting from lack of oxygen, nose shutting down, adrenaline pumping trying to jump-start my fight or flee instinct - all those things aren’t good for MY health, thankyouverymuch.
Don’t even get me started on the streaks or floaters.
I could only hope for such a thing.
I feel for you, really, but [Mr. Wolfe voice on] pretty please, with fucking sugar on top [Mr. Wolfe voice off] COURTESY FLUSH AND SPRAY SOMETHING SPRING-TIME FRESH!
I. . . um. . . . . smell a strawman in the making.
Then I am only half-way bitching about you. 
Not to be gross or anything, but does your screen name have anything to do with your condition?
:::OUCH!::: I was kidding!
Di, Di, Di. I used to hold it til I got home. But just ONE episode where the car broke down en route has caused me to re-think the whole “no pooping away from home” rule. Let’s just say I had to make a quick dash into the woods where my bowels claimed certain victory over my sphincter muscle.
Now I confess, I poop where I must, be it at work, the theatre, or home. But, hey, it’s in a TOILET where such things should go and at least you won’t risk stepping in it whilst tiptoeing through the tulips in a certain woods…
I’ll keep the courtesy flush in mind.
BTW, you’ll be happy to know that I do blow my nose when needed.
BWWWWWAAAAAHHHHHHHAAAAAA
gasping for breath
Oh my God, that’s the funniest thing I’ve read all day. Wooooooo. Hahahahahaha. Only in Utah. When I used to buy Cosmo in Albertsons in Park City they didn’t have the black plastic, man, how times have changed.
AMEN!!!
I was in a math test yesterday and the person behind me and the person in front of me took turns “sniffing”.
sniff-beat-sniff-beat-sniff-beat-sniffffffffffff. All fucking hour. I swear to God I almost lost my mind.
In this situation, and this situation only, would a lack of a courtesy flush (or any other kind of flush) be forgiven. The spray part may also be forgiven depending on which way the wind was blowing.
Pepper - Utah, ya gotta love the place.
Am I the only one who doesn’t make all kinds of noises when I shit? I swear, everytime I go in the john there’s someone in there who’s farting, swishing, grunting while dumping. Is diahhrea that rampant? I almost throw up everytime I hear it. God forbid if they happen to be in the next stall.
Would it be possible to put in a large fan that makes alot of noise or a radio that blares music so don’t have to hear every drip, drop, splash, fart, squish, and trickle?
Hey, I saw that too! It’s my new favorite, after “Lips on Man in the Moon Appear to be Moving”.
Okay, I admit I had that coming. Even I cringed when I hit ‘Submit’. My point–as awkwardly put as it was–is that I can’t help having to use the bathrooms in public places and I shouldn’t have to feel any further embarrassment than I already do about it.
Ouch, indeed!
OMG this is some funny shit (hahahahah)
i really honestly laughed out loud, the kids are all like: “Mom, what is so funny?”
Beat this:
At the bathroom near my classroom, someone has been picking their nose and sticking the boogers to the stall walls.
(I try to only poop at home, but when ya gotta go, ya gotta go! courtesy flush is a good thing)
Diane,
You know I’m a work pooper. I have suffered the torment that is overflowing diarhea toilet syndrome and lived, yet I still poop at work. My pooper seems programmed to go approximately 30 minutes after I arrive, and I’ve accepted that.
I hereby apologize for all future gross outs I cause!
(On a related note, my sister and I went to a casino 2 weeks ago. I REALLY had to go (I was sick) and had her drop me at the front door. I ran in and was in the middle of a very nasty episode when she walks in and says “JESUS! Did somebody slaughter a cow in here?”
Let’s just say that my combination pooping/laughing was just a horrible thing. There were also other people present and they probably needed therapy.)
So anyhoo, I shall continue to poop and work, and I’ll think of you each time I do.
::Zette on shitter:: “I wonder how Diane is today?”
Zette
Let’s address your stupidity in order of magnitude, rather than chronologically. On second thought, let’s not, as they’re ALL gems.
Your the only echoing in your colon is the bullshit spewing out of your mouth, since your head is FIRMLY ensconsed therein. This would likely also explain why you can’t smell your own shit. Your nostrils are plugged with it on the rare occasion that you actually remove your head from appendix-suckling territory.
Tell me, are you one of those people who goes in there, drops a loaf, and reads the paper while festering in it? That smell stays in your hair, you know. And as you wade through the office, bathed in your own fecal stench, you may rest assured that people aren’t avoiding you solely because you stink. Nay, they are avoiding you because nobody’s ever actually seen those stink lines coming from anyone aside from in a cartoon.
Clearly, however, you are the shit-master. And as such, I defer, yet not submit, to your obvious superior knowledge of all things shitty. And, with that in mind, I state the obvious: If you know anyone here, it’s yourself.
Thank you, and GOODNIGHT!
. I read an article a fews ago about Japanese toilet stalls the have electronic running water sounds for this very purpose. Darn good idea.
Man, you people really do get worked up easily!
Better yet, I say they install toilets that automatically flush LOUDLY every 30 seconds when someone is pooping and room spray that shoots out with the sound of a cannon. Might as well kill all the birds with one stone.
You be nice Zette, or I am going to say something about your sig and how we can compare it to your last post in this thread.
This would work really well for those times at the end of the day when you want to pee before a long commute but you just can’t get the stream flowing.
One more bitch while I’m on a roll. Today the office old maid who burps loudly, butts into every conversation, cackles like a turkey, and has a floor fan pointed RIGHT THE FUCK UP HER SKIRT so you see her big white underwear everytime you walk into her office, anyway, today she walks into the bathroom right behind me and as she is carrying on a conversation with me takes time out to grunt. “So Diane, di-uuuuuuuung-d you goooooooo-uh to thaaat traaaaaa-uh-ining this mooooooooor-ning :::grunt:::” then I hear a big PLOP!. Now THAT is freakin gross!
If that wasn’t enough, SHE IS IN MY FUCKING SPACE!!! She must have been sitting spread eagle on the pot because her left foot is hanging inside my bathroom stall a good 8 to 10 inches!!! WTF IS THAT ABOUT!?!?!
You know Demo, if more people would get back up easily, we wouldn’t have to worry about stinky bathrooms.
Oh, you said worked up. Never mind.
She had a conversation with you?? On the shitter??
Wow. The only one I can imagine having is peppering my visits with agonizing groans and grunts, splish splashing away, moaning and howling, then coming out and telling you “do NOT try milk if it even KINDA looks chunky. Seriously.”
Aren’t you glad we don’t work together?
Zette
Actually, I think the people who are glad we don’t work together are those who would be our coworkers. 
Please, oh please, oh please let me use this as a sig line. Pretty please?
I dunno, Diane, y’ever think folks spend that kind of time in the WC 'cuz they’re hiding from you?
I know I would be…
z