My turn again! To my co-worker, the surly, complaining, toxic bitch - shut up. Quit or just shut. the. f***. up. Please. Yes, you’re busy - we’re all busy. Yes, I have to come make you even more busy by asking you questions about your errors that I find - if I let them go, we would lose money on every single one. DO NOT GIVE ME THIS PISSY ATTITUDE WHEN I’M JUST DOING MY JOB!!! Every day, she finds a way to bring a black cloud over to my desk. I just wish she would get fed up with the whole job and get herself the hell out of it. She hates it so badly, and feels the need to make everyone else miserable while she’s there. I am going to get into a fight with her someday when she snaps at me for doing my job, and she’s going to severely kick my ass (verbally), because she’s a total bitch and I’m not. I hate this negativity and constant conflict.
I tell my friend at the local phone co that I might like to take advantage of their new long distance plan. He tells me that he gets atta-boy points for referrals and asks if he can submit my name. He says the process goes like this:
1- Pal submits Bubbadog name and phone number as refferral
2 - Phone Co rep calls me and verifies that I agreed with Pal (This supposedly is necessary to keep phone co employees from randomly slamming strangers to get atta-boys)
3 - Phone co rep transfers me to sales rep who completes order.
Now I go along with this because my friend is a good guy and I don’t mind the inconvenience of doing the business transaction at the phone co’s convenience if it helps his job. Keeping in mind that the phone co will now call me during dinner or the last ten minutes of the game/TV program/movie/(insert time you don’t want to be disturbed here) I’m at least comforted by the good deed aspect.
So here’s how it goes:
While eating dinner the phone rings
It’s a phone rep calling Mr. Bubbadog and “do you know good-buddie guy who works for the phone co and did you agree to be referred?”
Yep - I said
Phone rep says, “good let me transfer you to sales rep”
OK, with me I’m expecting
- Hello Mr BD your request is entered, Thank you
- Hello, name and number please
- Hello, my name is salesrep, what can I do for you
I get none of this
I get …“All of our reps are busy right now, please Hold”
HOLD? HOLD?! You want me to Fucking **HOLD!!! **
YOU called ME you stupid Pig-Kissers. On What Fucking Planet does an act like this NOT piss someone off?
Why didn’t you just say, " Hello. I’m calling you when its convenient for ME to sell you something Mr. Dog. Now I will transfer you to somebody who will make you wait until its convenient for THEM to talk to you."
ignorant sons-a-bitches
To the trailer hitch on the back of my van: **Please stop letting me hit my shin on you. I’ve got a bruise that looks like an aerial shot of the Grand Canyon now. Two walk ins in two weeks. Please, give me some warning. **
avabeth, I actually have come to the conclusion that my car is invisible. Like Wonder Woman’s plane.
That explains why people constantly try to merge into the physical space of where my car is. It happens at least a couple times a week.
Do you drive a Kia, too? That’s what I drive and the same thing happens to me. I assume it’s because my car is the size of a Big Wheel, but man, it gets annoying.
Ava
To the husband of the woman who called our ISP tech support line last night…
Listen you man-bitch, if you are too good to talk to us on the phone that is fine. I would actually much rather talk to someone like your wife who starts off by saying she doesn’t know anything about computers than somone like you who is a self-proclaimed computer expert, because at least she will listen to me.
However don’t you dare make your wife call back 10 minutes later sobbing because you told her she messed up your computer. No she didn’t. Cable modems are not supposed to have both a USB and ethernet connection going to the same computer. And don’t you yell at your wife because she disconnected the USB connections, because you think your computer doesn’t have a NIC card. Here’s a hint. If you have the NIC drivers on your computer, if you have an ethernet connection going from the modem to the computer, and the computer has pretty green flashing lights where you plugged it in and your fucking computer is connected to the internet when we are finished then yes, you do have a NIC, you dumbass.
If you are turning left at a greenlight (reverse for your country) and waiting on oncoming traffic to clear, please pull out in the middle of the intersection. Do not sit behind the white line in the road. If you don’t do this, we will never, ever, ever get to turn left.
After you have completed your ATM transaction, do not sit there rumaging through your purse, putting up your cash/card/etc. Pull up a few car lengths so the people behind you can complete their transactions.
The left lane (RFYC) is for passing. If there are more than 2 lanes, you should be passing someone on the right. If your are not passing someone, move over one lane to the right. I don’t care how fast you are going, someone else might want to go faster. If you can’t understand this concept, I will permit you to drive in the middle lane. Yes, I do own the road. 
People. Stop crashing on the interstate between here and my work. If you have to crash, go out in the country somewhere.
Coworker, buy a clue.
Bruce: Clicking on the “Create New Update” button will create a new update.
Coworker: “Clicking on the ‘Create New Update’ button will create a new update?”
Bruce: (sigh) yes.
If we have to merge into a single lane on the road, do so a mile before the merge. Do not try to pass all the patient people that are lined up and zoom directly to the merge point as that makes all traffic stop. If we all get in a line well in advance of the merge, we can go through at a slower rate but at least we’re moving.
Please, for the sake of all that is right, if I am merging onto the interstate and you are in the rightmost (RFYC) lane and there is nobody to your left, move over and let me on.
The rearview mirror is for the rearview. Not your makeup, your teeth, your hair, your face. While it is acceptable to use the rvm for these purposes while you are stopped, please return the rvm to its useful position before driving. I know a bad driver when I see a rvm at this / angle.
Speaking of RVMs, if you are stopped at the red light and it turns green, just go. Don’t stare at me in your rvm waiting to see if I’m going to slam into you. I’m not. I’m just keeping my momentum going. I promise. Just go.
Use your turn signals. Give me a good 100 ft. It doesn’t count if you engage them IN MID-TURN
Nitpick(related to turn signals): If you’re merging onto the interstate, you don’t have many options on where to go, so don’t worry about using your signal there. But if you do, cut it off sometime sooner than 10 miles down the road.
Didn’t mean for that to turn into a driving rant…
To my “friends”: Either go out on a date with each other or stop crawling all over each other in a public place. Despite what you may think, no one wants to see that. Me, possiby, least of all!
Continental and Specialized both make “armored” bike tires which are much harder to flat. They have a thick belt of protection for the tube. Add some Slime tubes and you will have a 2 wheeled tank.
I would get a second opinion on those car tires, just in case.
Here we go again:rolleyes:
To everyone that asked me to answer the phone today----
I am the lab tech. Today is lab day. I have been going non stop collecting blood, spinning the tubes, running tests, and packing specimens for pick up. I am sorry if the phone is ringing, and you are too busy to get it. So am I. DO NOT yell across the lab and ask me to answer it, and DO NOT get mad when I yell back that I am busy. We have voice mail. It’s ok to leave a message.
To my aching head—
For three weeks now, I have been battling the sinus pressure you have been giving me, and just when I thought it was over, you come back full force, and there is no pain reliever in sight.
To the people in my office—
Don’t slam my door. Period. Oh yeah, and don’t take supplies out of the cabinet, and leave the cabinet door open. Same thing goes for the fridge when you take ice packs out.
Hey women everywhere- look at your feet. If they’re ugly, cover them up! If you have a toenail that looks like a potato chip, if your five toes point in eight different directions, if you have a vein that visibly throbs with every heartbeat, if you don’t shave the hair on your toes, guess what? I don’t want to see them! Wear hose or socks or boots, I don’t care.
And another thing- painting toenails doesn’t make varicose veins and cellulite disappear! If the light from your pale legs cast a visible shadow, if different parts of the same thigh shake independently when you move, if you give directions by using your visible leg veins as highways, if you’ve ever sprinkled pepper on your thighs mistaking them for cottage cheese, then cover those gross legs up! Just because anorexic models in their early 20s can go bare legged, does NOT give you permission to gross me out!
That happened to me all the time when I used to drive a Dodge Colt. Now my sister drives a Neon it is happening to her, too. I think it is the type of car.
I have a Passat now, still not huge but it happens much less frequently.
Actually, I drive a Mitsubishi Mirage. It’s not really all that small, but it’s kinda light blue/purplish in color. I think it camoflauges nicely when it’s on the road. Naturally I would much prefer to be seen.
My little GEO metro from ten years ago…now that was a tiny car.
Along with Lilacs and avabeth, I now declare that there is a Red Truck Conspiracy. I have been hit three times, in three different cars, over the last five years, by men driving red pickup trucks. The first time my VW Fox wagon got totalled by a complete dickwad in a Ford Ranger. I replaced it with a VW Jetta, which got hit a year later by a co-worker in a Ford Ranger, in the work parking lot at lunchtime. The Jetta turned out to be a piece of crap, so I replaced it last year with a Saturn SL2. The only surprise when I got hit two months ago was that the truck in question was a Toyota. Despite the fact the guy rear-ended me, he tried to say it was my fault because I’m from Massachusetts (it happened in NH). I have, needless to say, developed an aversion to men in red trucks.
What I really want to rant about though:
To my soon-to-be-ex-roommate: I’m trying to be nice to you because you’re having a pretty tough time with things right now and I really don’t want to put you over the edge. But do you blame me for moving out? You’ve been breaking up with your boyfriend for a year and a half. You finally moved out in February, but you went to Cozumel with him in April. Yeah, he promised he’d give you money to help you with your rent when you went back to drive his ass around because he lost his license for OUI. When he didn’t, did you really think he was going to pay you for going back to work for him getting his tourist trap ready for summer? Based on the fact that he didn’t last year, why are you surprised? I told you not to pay me back the June rent that I already gave you, since it’s going to be halfway through June by the time the movers come for my stuff. I do want the $100 for the playoff game we went to. So don’t bitch at me that you’ll give me the $375 today but not the “extra” hundred. There is no “extra” hundred. ALL I asked for was the hundred. You come out ahead if you do it my way. What is your problem with this?
Now that you’re finally “permanently” in our apartment, why aren’t you doing more to find a job? I got you an interview last week and you blew it off because you have a serious prescription drug problem. Now you won’t call them back because you’re “embarrassed.” Well guess what you dumbshit, I told you I called and smoothed things over for you and they’re waiting! May I remind you that you have no way to pay your rent on July 1? But instead of applying for that waitressing job you keep saying you’ll get, you’re going to California for a week to visit your high school boyfriend that you haven’t seen in 21 years, that you looked up on Classmates.com. So what if he paid for the ticket. All that proves is that he’s as much of an idiot as you are, since you supposedly told him about your financial bind. Did you also tell him that you’re a drug addict and as boy-crazy as a junior high school girl? That even after making plans to go see him you’re still trying to pick up every guy you meet, and only leave the house if I tell you there’s going to be a cute guy there?
Gee, why are you surprised that when you called me at work yesterday sobbing about your ex/boyfriend, and that you called two of his friends, I thought you had called him and gotten in another fight? Since you call him to pick a fight every time you run out of other things to talk about, I thought it was a pretty reasonable interpretation, since I couldn’t understand one fucking other word you said. Never mind that I’ve asked you not to call me at work unless it’s an emergency. I realize I don’t have a hell of a lot to do here, but I have a limited number of daytime minutes and I’m saving them for my employment agency. And don’t yell at your dog when I call you on how pathetic you’ve been lately. Your dog is the one who’s hobbling around in pain because you keep blowing off her vet appointments because you’re “having a bad day.” Since you go looking for your bad days, I don’t feel sorry for you. My other friend’s husband just died, which I’d say is a helluva lot worse than finally tearing yourself away from a cheating SOB (and you were sleeping with other guys while you were still living with him - it doesn’t matter that you had moved to the guest room, you were still calling yourself his girlfriend), and she’s not being half the whiny-assed excuse-making lazy bitch you are. In fact, she’s not being a whiny-assed excuse-making lazy bitch at all. She’s recognizing that life is still going on around her and being a part of it.
I think it’s pretty pathetic that you’re 37 and the only thing you can cook is pancakes from the just-add-water mix, and that’s only because I showed you how. Not everyone can be a gourmet chef, but you can’t even manage subsistence-level food preparation. You’re THIRTYFUCKINGSEVEN! I’m moving out because only when you have no one to depend on will you learn to depend on yourself. Shut up with the crap about how you thought I was your friend but I’m obviously not. I’m the best friend you ever had because I told you the truth about yourself, only I was at least decent enough to save my pissedoffedness for this thread and presented it to you with the care and concern that I do genuinely feel for you - why do you think I’m so pissed off at how you’re ruining your life in the first place? If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t have stuck around as long as I did. So fuck you too. And you still owe me a hundred bucks.
To the asshats in the next neighborhood up —
What IS it with you people? When I am coming home from work, the store, wherever I never have any real traffic problems (unless there’s a train…another rant altogether)UNTIL I get close to your neighborhood. It’s like all the asshat morons they could fit in this small town live in that neighborhood.
Yesterday, as my husband was coming home from a long,stressful day at work he was behind a woman who needed to turn into said neighborhood. She waited…and waited…and waited. Even when there was a gap you could drive a couple of semi’s through,she wouldn’t turn. AND then…she decided to wave people who were turning out of the neighborhood on so they’d get to go before she turned into the neighborhood. He sat there for 20 min waiting for this chick to turn so he could continue on his merry way.
This isn’t the first time we’ve encountered stuff like this.It happens all the time and always right in front of this neighborhood.If there was enough room (and a shoulder to boot!)I’d go around them but I am forced to wait because we live out in the middle of nowhere where the roads are shitty and shoulder-less.
Once,I waited for what seemed like forever as this person in front of me (turning into the asshat neighborhood) decided they would slow down to like 1.2 mph to watch squirrells cavorting in the trees in the woods along side the road. Oy.
IDBB
Great thread!
In the parking lot of my building, there are full-sized spaces, and spaces clearly marked, “For Compact Cars Only”. So why, day after day, do I pull in in my little Neon and find your big-ass Explorers and Cherokees and mini vans and even just full-sized sedans parked helter-skelter in these tiny little spaces?!?!!! The lot’s not that big; you are not any closer to the building than if you parked the the designated area. I know you think you are, but you’re not. And on more than one occasion you have parked so close to me I couldn’t open my car door. Asshats.
To the FNG at work:
I understand you are fresh out of college and I expect you to be a little green. Please learn the phrase: “I don’t know” It really isn’t that painful after the first few times and it lends a certain air of credibility to the things you do know. Please do not repeat technical terms you have heard randomly interspersed in your sentences. The chance of you randomly using them correctly is (apparently) slight. You do not fool me, you do not fool my boss, and you do not fool the veep. Asking any of us questions will do no harm - we know you are new to this and pretty much anyone in the building will take the time to answer questions. Heck, even silence can be a viable alternative to using words at random - in the past I’ve used the technique of nodding sagely and studying afterwards. If you need clarification on a term, just ask or make a note and look it up - either way works. If you do use the random buzzword technique, at least pronounce them correctly.
I told you your first day that there would be times when I might make unreasonable assumptions about what you know and at those times just tell me. I make equally bad assumptions with everyone (I forget the rest of the world is not telepathic, (although when I do remember I am grateful)). You will neither hurt my feelings nor lower my opinion of you. I want you to learn - the sooner you learn the more of my work I can dump on you!
If you start a conversation with a reasonable facsimile of
“How about them buzzwords. Think they’ll jargon okay?” you are wasting my time. Learning by osmosis may be easier on your ego than asking questions, but unless you have the panache to pull it off you will irk the crap out of those around you.
And finally, though I understand that this is not your fault, I had kind of assumed that the flip side of getting a kid fresh out of school was that your youthful computer skill would be as far beyond mine as mine were to my bosses when I started all those seven years ago. Live and learn. I am somewhat disappointed at your lack of a Neo-like ability to create excel macros with your naked brain, but dude, that stuff you can at least fake with the f1 key.
I need this – it’s been a bad day.
To the 18-wheeler getting at the traffic light this morning: What the hell were you doing making a u-turn on red? I mean it – I was at right angles to this guy, waiting to get down to the intersection, staring at a green light and an 18-wheeler making a u-turn. Since I was already pretty cranky, that didn’t help. Then came this.
To the driver of the Abominable Slow Van: You, sir (or madam) are my penalty for leaving for work too late. Why do you feel the need to go 35 mph on an on ramp to a highway on which traffic is moving at 55-65 mph. More to the point, why do you feel the need to slow down to 25 mph at the merge point. You drive the same half-length school bus every morning, and you’ve done it every time I’ve been behind you, even when there’s been no on-coming traffic. While I’m one of the first to complain about tailgaters, in this case my loyal opposition has a point – you are driving so slowly you’re a traffic hazard.
To various phone solicitors: You are not getting through to the bosses; that’s what they’ve got me for. If I offer to put you through to their voice mail, I’m being nice to you. Take advantage of it. If you call back at a later time, you will get me, and you will have the same options: leave a message or give up. Also, if I say to your company, “Please put us on your Do Not Call List” and I get two more calls from your company, I am going to be, shall we say, unhappy. Do you really dislike your coworkers that much?
Finally, to the guy in the white van I honked at on my way home: Yes, I’m cranky and off temper. That is not why I honked at you. I honked at you because while I was cruising along at 45 mph (not on the highway) while traffic in the next lane was idling along at 30 mph, you pulled out in front of me without using your turn signal or giving me anything else much in the way of warning. I hit my brakes to let you in and honked the horn to let you know that there was someone else in my lane, too. I saw your hand go up; if you were giving me the finger, too bad. If you were waving apologetically (not what it looked like), disregard this rant.
Finally, to all the self-righteous, Fundie, “I’m going to heaven and you’re not” crowd, people like you are the reason this Christian prefers the company of pagans. You wouldn’t want the likes of me in your heaven anyway.
Ahh! That feels better!
CJ
To the hummer/whistler in the nearby cubicle: shut the f#ck up!
To the people who walk by to use the copier: it is not necessary to announce to me that you are using the copier, then try to start up a conversation. I am not the guardian of the copier. I am trying to focus on my work (well not right now). I don’t want to hear your smarmy drivel. Shut up and go away.
Here’s the thing. Yes, I know that it takes a lot of work for you to go through your old clothes, put the most disgusting things on hangers, throw old dry-cleaning bags over a couple of them, and drive them over to the consignment store. I appreciate how it must frustrate you to hear that the store is currently full. If I could magically make all the clothing on the racks and on the chairs and on the counter and on the desk and on all other available surfaces disappear so I could take more crap, I would do it. But I can’t. It is not possible. So please, stop haggling/arguing/screaming. This will not change the laws of physics, and in this store, we obey the law.