Goddamn this is good news. My gambling, drinking, and heroin addictions have used up all the funds I had to the point I can’t afford any more crack or whores. The orphanage I knocked over earlier this year was pretty poor and didn’t provide me with enough of a stipend to live in the manner I’ve become accustomed to.
Bless you for thinking of me (as well as my dealer, bartender, and a few pimps) in my time of ultimate need.
Well, to my dismay, Mrs Hambone doesn’t seem to be geting back to me, neither do her attorneys, or bank officials or whoever they were supposed to be, however, all is not lost, because I just received another couple of emails; the first one says I’ve won the lottery!:
Congratulation indeed! And thank!
So naturally, I replied:
No sooner had I sent that reply off, than another email arrived…
In all seriousness, now, this has to be the most barefaced example of cheeky scamminess I’ve yet seen:
Recently we were in the market for a used vehicle and we scanned autotrader.com for some like what we were looking for. We found a 2005 Nissan Frontier with 17K miles, supposedly in perfect condition, and they wanted 8K for it(Blue book is roughly 17K, alarm bell #1). We’re in North Texas, and the listing said this was local, but the number was a New York state number(Alarm bell #2). I tried to call it and it was a fax machine(Alarm bell #3). So I sent off an email to the seller asking for a VIN number and some more info about it. In the meantime we signed up for Carfax, and started looking for realistic used trucks. Imagine my suprise when I got this email.
Hmm, interesting, but yea, right. The semi-fractured English was interesting too. So here’s what I sent back.
And a near immediate reply.
Umm, so you’re wiling to front a grand of shipping, sell a car for less than half blue book, and give me a money back guarantee? Or you’re backpedaling and hoping to get 4k out of me once it was clear I wasn’t going to wire the whole 8k immediately. Hmm, time to fish a bit more.
Note the lack of the pleasantries in the sign-off. I really didn’t expect anything after that. But, here it comes.
Holy crap! A VIN?!? And it checks out in Carfax? As a Fleet vehicle registered in California??? At this point my alarm bells have gone silent and my laugh track is going full speed. Time to drop the boom. I forwarded the email chain to securetrading.com with the following questions.
The answer I got back was even better than I had hoped for.
Since you like to do this and I don’t, I give yo some new personalities to work from.
A person under house arrest that can’t leave the building.
A person that will be getting out of jail soon. They were framed for knee capping someone, but that fucker won’t be around for long.
A person that by court order has had all their money matters put under the control of a lawyer. This ward will need to convince the lawyer to do the deal, so please ask for something to convince the lawyer. You can switch to the lawyer at some point and send a message that you will find and prosecute them. They will think they had a legitimate sucker, whose lawyer is now after them.
A hooker asking to pay the fees by prostitution.
A soldier that is fighting in Iraq, and he can’t leave his station for 6 more months.
A cruise ship employee that wants to pick up the goods when in port.
I hope you find this useful and see the full entertainment value of these characters.