I resolve to find a “pint” flagon that is bigger than my head.
And fill it with beer as often as possible.
I wanted to have a resolution about my hair, or my children’s hair, but I couldn’t come up with anything clever enough.
I resolve to stop stealing spoons from my cousin.
If any Elf babe will do, well and good, but if you’re thinking specifically of elfbabe, you might want to think again: being rasped across by a zymolosely polydactile tongue (especially one that can slurp through a neutronium hull) has gotta hurt.
However bad things get, I will not set myself on fire.
I will not spend my entire life obsessing over my cousin’s house which I was going to buy when everyone thought he’d dropped off the edge of the world, only for him to come back, live in it for another sixty years, and then install his nephew as his heir.
If the sword of my ancestors is broken, and I cannot get it fixed, I will carry another one around with me.
If I am adapting the works of a great author for the screen, I will keep his best lines in context, instead of randomly assigning them to other places in the story and other characters. Also, I’ll assume that he knew something about characterisation, and maybe even more than I do. Finally, I will contain my proclivities for having people fall off cliffs for no reason at all.
I will not chip the glasses, crack the plates, blunt the knives, bend the forks, smash the bottles, burn the corks, cut the cloth, tread on the fat, pour milk on the pantry floor, leave bones on the bedroom mat, splash wine on every door, dump crocks in a boiling bowl, pound them up with a thumping pole, and then roll any survivors down the hall.
Before taunting any dragons, I will reflect that, while they cannot fit themselves up a narrow tunnel, fire has no such limitations, and can run faster than I can.
If I relieve a fallen evil demigod of his valuables, and a wise old elf-lord advises me to chuck it in the fire, I’ll chuck it in the fire.
If my so-called chief vizier does nothing for me except harp on about how old and helpless I am, I’ll throw him to the wolves wearing nothing but a loincloth.
The Mouth of Sauron: I’ll finally go to the dentist.
Samwise: I’ll quit sending mixed signals to Frodo and finally ask Rosie out.
Gollum: No more riddle contests, oh, no. We hates them, we do!
Gandalf: I’ll watch my headroom clearance a little more carefully when I’m visiting Hobbit-holes.
Elrond: Next time I’ll just pitch Isildur headfirst into the lava myself.
Gimli: I’ll get an ATV for my next cross-country chase. =Whew!=
Celeborn: Legally change my Elf-name from “Teleporno.”
Eowyn: Now that I’m Princess of Ithilien, I should probably take some cooking lessons.
Tom Bombadil: I will use my mysterious magic to give Peter Jackson a little Middle-earth leprosy.
The Witch-King of Angmar: I’ll nuke the Shire and Rohan from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.