Tips for a first time uncle to be

In My Humble Opinion
21

My kids have two childless uncles, and I love to hear things like “I’d love to come see the new baby tomorrow. Do you want me to bring pizza, or would chicken or Chinese be better?” “We’re cool. Go take a nap.” “I know your hands are full, so instead of more diapers or burp cloths, gimme your keys. I’m getting the oil changed.” When the kids are older and more interactive, fishing trips, museum visits, and the like are great. Also, we have a rule at my house: uncles have to babysit on the first night after new gifts are presented. Many drum sets have been avoided…

Are: holding a new baby. Support his head. Relax. Keep a burp cloth handy. Really, that’s it.

22

re: loud toys
Never forget the batteries and replacement batteries.
We usually give the replacement batteries to the parents, and the loud toy to the kid.

23

Make sure the kid knows how to shoot things with rubber bands. Waiting until the kid has the dexterity necessary to hit the target is not necessary; this is how they learn.

24

Toddlers also enjoy crayons. They cannot hurt themselves with them, and the parents will be thrilled by the art work on the living room wall. The multicoloured excrement will add an extra interest for them to the chore of changing nappies/daipers.

25

… But remember and plan for the traditional drunken uncle role at the wedding :smiley:

26

My nephew’s 15th birthday party tonight. His actual birthday is next tuesday, but as both his parents will be out of town, we had it tonight. I had two beers*. Sorry, I let y’all down. His 24 year old sister will be getting married next summer, on a friday afternoon 3 whole blocks from where I work. So I get to take a couple of hours off from work and walk over. Will disappoint everyone again.**

  • For the second time this year and in fact, the second time in perhaps 5 years.
    ** I’m just not much of a drinker.

But as for my nephew turning 15, as I said to his father and wrote in his card “this is when things start to get interesting”. We talked about him learning to drive and getting his learner’s permit. I promised to take him out driving in the country next summer so he can drive some highways, country roads and dirt roads for practice. His parents have a minivan and an expensive beemer, so I think everyone involved will appreciate him being able to drive something closer to whatever he’ll end up with.

27

My nieces and nephews are pretty much grown now. Lots of good advice above; the only thing I’ll add is this: I think one of the best gifts you can give a young teenager is to take them seriously, to nonjudgmentally listen to and engage their arguments about the world and how it should be.

Of course, this has to alternate with periods of being totally silly with them so they—and you—don’t grow up too fast.

28

Spoke to my brother this afternoon. Offered to babysit on demand, go shopping, do various chores as needed and asked to borrow a baby book.

He was really grateful and said he wanted me to come over whenever I wanted to, not just when I was needed.

He did laugh when I told him about being scared of holding the baby and said I’d learn soon enough. Then he told me that he and his wife had been freaked out by one of their baby books that they stopped reading it and switched to a different one. So he is going to give me the scary one so that I can find all the useful information in it and tell them so they don’t have to read all the frightening things.

Thanks again everyone for all the great advice.

Oh and he said a toy/gift now and then would be fine :smiley: (Is it sad that I’m looking forward to taking my niece or nephew to Hamleys in London?)

29

You are asking about how to start a new job–(being an uncle, to a new baby who doesnt know you.)
So far, your job has been to be a brother and brother-in-law ,to the parents (who do know you.)

Like most jobs, you can’t get promoted to the new level if you don’t do a good job at the previous one.

So right now, you need to be a good brother, not a good uncle.
Be there for babysitting, and be there so the exhausted parents can get some time off, and be there to fix your brother’s car or whatever they need but dont have time/energy to do.
And also remember to NOT be there when they don’t want you .
The baby isnt going to know a darn thing about you for the next 12 months or so.
But the parents sure do know a lot about you already, and will know a lot more by the way you act over the next 12 months,( and the next, say, 50 years, too, of course)

(The uncling* part starts when the kid is, say, one year old, and can relate to you. And, man, it is great!!!)
*one of my favorite words

30

Aunt of four, parent of none.

My take on my role as aunt is to provide a different perspective to the kid. They’re going to get parented by their parents, so that’s not my role. My role, instead, is to love the kid unconditionally, occasionally disagree with the parents and stand up for the kid against them, and to be involved enough in the kid’s life that s/he feels like I’m someone to talk to. Obviously, this is a more nuanced message than a two year old can understand, but it’s perfect for the five and up crowd.

(As an example of the standing-up-against-the-parents: five year old niece wanted her hair a certain way (basically all pulled back out of her face into a ponytail); her parents told her that they think she looks better with her hair a different way (because her hair is kind of short, so she does look funny with her hair pulled back). I said, I think she’s old enough to know how she looks pretty, and she should be able to wear her hair the way she wants. Mom frowned at me, but the kid got the biggest, most surprised grin on her face. It’s a small thing, but as someone who’s not involved in the day to day struggles, I can be an outside voice with a different perspective.

And I totally agree on the gifts thing. One niece constantly gets toys, etc., from the other side of the family – when she comes home from visiting her grandma, she usually has between three and six new toys (and that’s about a once-a-month visit, so you can imagine how stuffed her room is with, well, stuff). As a result, that niece doesn’t really care about presents – if you give her something, she generally will look at it, play with it for a minute or two, then put it down. And when she’s in a store, she demands presents – it’s kind of not fun to see. So I don’t do non-holiday/birthday presents – maybe a pencil or some stickers, but that’s about it.

31

Talk to the baby, with eye contact, before holding it – much nicer to be held by a new friend rather than grabbed by a stranger. Seconds to minutes will establish this; most little ones like grown-ups.

Babies are more afraid of being dropped than of being squashed, so a firm hold is reassuring – they’ll let you know if it is too tight.

Adjust the hold (firmness, angle, placement, lots of variations) until the baby signals its happiness by snuggling up and relaxing into your arms.

If you are really, really nervous: do all this while sitting on the floor, maybe with some padding. Short fall, soft landing if the worst happens.

32

I saw this a couple of days ago, and was going to respond, but had the weekend with the kids.

I didn’t have my children until I was quite a bit older than most fathers. Before that I was the favorite uncle for my nephew and niece, especially as I have always liked kids, but had figured that I wasn’t going to have any.

There are parent rules and uncle (or aunt) rules. Mostly, since other adults don’t have to worry about what will happen to the kids when they grow up, other relatives don’t have to be a firm. On one visit to my sister’s place when my niece was two, both my sister and her husband were rushing around getting ready for church. My niece was getting hungry, so I fed her some breakfast. I gave her pancakes, well, not pancakes, just cake.

BIL comes into the kitchen and asks “Tokyo, what are you doing?” “Feeding my niece some cake for breakfast.” He leave and not ten seconds left, the cavalry arrives. Sister asks, “Tokyo, what are you doing?” “Feeding my niece some cake for breakfast.” Sister decides that this is the price they pay for having a free baby sitter and leaves.

As a parent, I can’t do that, because it sets up too many precedents. I’m not about ready to set myself up for having a toddler whine at me for weeks “I want cake.” But I don’t care if my kids’ aunts were to do the same thing. Yes, I’d grow, but that’s to let them know that once the aunts leave, we’re back to Bayer rules.

Kids know that different people have different rules and can adapt. Just make sure you keep a good line of communication open with your brother and his wife in case they think you’re going too far.

It’s tremendously valuable for kids to have other adults in their lives who value them. You do not know how cool this is. Kids understand that their parents love them (for the majority of people), having someone else really adds to a child’s development and self confidence.

As the child gets older, they can tell aunts and uncles things which are more difficult for most kids to discuss with parents. But they only do it for adults who have spent time getting to know them. As you are a teacher, you know that time if the most valuable gift you can give.

I’ll echo what others say about babies and being helpful, but with a few differences.

Change diapers. It’s just shit and your hands and cloths are washable. You’ll be surprised how quickly you get used to it.

The advice someone gave me before I became a new father, and which I pass along to all new fathers is something which I think could be useful for you as well.

Babies cry. This is what they do. Many, if not most, fathers panic and give the baby back to the mother. The baby quickly learns that she can’t settle down until she’s with the mother. Unless the baby is crying because she’s hungry, keep holding the baby and have the baby learn how to be comforted by you.

As one of my friend’s pointed out, since we don’t have the right equipment, we can’t cheat and just feed the kid to quiet her. We have to work harder, but it pays off.

Good luck!

And if you are ever in Tokyo, look me up, I can use a good babysitter. :wink: