How do I become a good influence on my nephew? How'd your relatives influence you?

A Game Room thread I started got me wondering about this in general.

As an uncle who lives quite far from his 21 month old nephew, I’m wondering how I can be a positive influence in his life. Certainly, I’d love to be the “cool uncle,” but I’m not sure if that’s enough; plus, I’d hate to impart any of my worse traits.

So I thought I’d ask everyone here, how do you think I can do it? Or, if you’d rather share your thoughts through personal anecdotes, how did your relatives, especially non-parents, become cool in your eyes and/or influence you for the better?

Be genuine.

When you talk to him, perhaps not now but as he gets older and can have conversations, e-mails and IMs with with Uncle Leaper, be genuine. Listen respectfully and openly to the things he wants to tell you, no matter how piddling they may seem to your adult ears/mind. Make time for him, and don’t put him off unless you really have no other choice. Respond with kindness and gentleness to him, even when he’s an idiot, and he will be sometimes. Celebrate his triumphs with him, commiserate over his foibles and fumbles. Be the guy he can tell things that he might not tell mom and dad, and get good, meaningful advice about. Don’t tell his secrets, unless it’s absolutely crucial for his wellbeing that you do so. Encourage his dreams, never belittle him, no matter how far beyond reality his childhood/adolescent hopes may be. Give him guidance to help him achieve whatever parts of those dreams he can.

Be his champion. Be his confidant. Be his mentor. Be his pal. You’re not his parent, you don’t have to fill that role. You have a chance to be something different but still profoundly influential and important to him as he grows up. That you’re even asking this question shows that you’re already on the right path.

Uncles are confidantes, escapism targets and have more money than mum & dad. And, at times, that’s precisely what kids need. I’m ten years younger than my oldest sister, who just got a kid, and I’m definitely looking forward to being able to be the cool, younger uncle.

If you have some cool activities, it’s good to bring them along. One of my uncles was an avid archer, for instance, and had a field next to his house where we strung up his bows and shot when we visited. Another one rafted and went hiking, which was cool when it was not something my parents did or my school did.

But the most important thing is probably to get on well with your siblings - your nephews and nieces will take a lot of their cues from mum and dad for the next ten years, so maintaining an amicable relationship with them is essential. You’ll be asked to babysit and if you’re nearby, that’s great. If not, asking your siblings whether you could invite the brats over for a weekend so your siblings can enjoy some time for themselves is always appreciated.

Always honest with them. My nieces and nephews and the kids in the “neighbourhood” like me because they always know where they stand with me. I don’t bullshit them, nor do I put up with bullshit from them. Kids respect that.

Treat them with respect, they are mini-adults in many ways, and kids like it when you assume that they actually have functioning brains and ideas of their own that matters. Listen when they talk to you, keep your promises, don’t makes plans with them then cancel unless you absolutely have to. Do stuff with them, this doesn’t mean spend money, spend time, you will be rewarded later in life.

Just to expand on this, when they’re young make sure you give the children exactly the same message as the parents. You don’t want anything like, “But Uncle Leaper said…”

Yes, definitely. I came in here to post the same. When I was young, my aunt (by marriage) was the only one who always treated me not like a child, but like a person. I am very grateful for this and I try to treat the kids I meet the same way. After all, they are just little people learning about how to live, not some cutesy stuffed animal or pet (which is how I felt like I was treated for much of my childhood).

You know, I disagree with this as a parent. The answer to “Uncle Leaper said” is “That’s how Uncle Leaper does it, I do it this way, lots of people do things lots of ways…”. I think the OP might want to sound his sib out on this, if they are weird control freaks who want to be sure kiddo Only Gets One Message then he will probably have to go along. The parents are the gatekeepers when kids are small and it behooves one to avoid pissing off the gatekeeper as a practical matter.

But I myself think requiring everybody to give kids exactly the same message is a bad idea. The world is not like that, at least my world is not. In some ways that’s what extended family is for, innit?

Yep. And when your nephew becomes an adult, treat him as such. I treat my nieces and nephews as friends. Not some sort of pseudo parent.

We have recently had visits from a 30 yo and a 21 year old nephew. They are very pleasant, intelligent, cordial young men. Which of course speaks to their upbringing. The 21 year old told his parents how ‘cool’ we are. And we just got a card from the 30 year old thanking us.

First you have to be real, kids are sharper at picking out a phony.

Listen when they speak. Turn off the TV, move away from the computer, eleminate any distraction. Join in their games and their rules. When you talk to them get down and look them in the eye. Kneel if you have to, sit on a chair or something. Make it so they do not have to look up to you to talk to you.

Be willling to laugh at yourself. If you laugh at yourself, then it is OK for them to laugh at you. And if they laugh at you they will be willing to talk to you. It was at snow and summer camps that I made the relations with kids that allowed me to talk to them about serious stuff. I was Pop to a lot of kids because I cared and they knew it. I was not some serious adult put in athority over them. And I loved them and they could break my heart and knew it.

Be the polar opposite of his parents.

We use a variation on this for tastes and the like - ‘Some people like some things, other people like other things’ - but when it comes to behaviour and discipline and the like, we most definitely sing from the same song sheet.

I disagree with Marienee and agree with Quartz.

The parents are the authority figures. Just as both parents must be united so the kids don’t play them off of each other, you must follow their lead. Obviously on trivial things this doesn’t come into play, but you have to follow the parents rules. If you have a big issue with something, discuss it with the parents beforehand, don’t just disregard it, it will cause problems for both you and the child.

My Aunt is my absolute best friend in the world and it’s been that way since the day I was born. It’s arguable that she knows me better than my own husband does. She is 13 years older than me. She never treated me like a nuisance little kid, and always related to me on the same level. She even defended me when her friends bitched about me tagging along. She took me to hang out with her young, single friends, and though there was a certain amount of censorship while I was younger, once I hit age 13 there was really no topic of conversation too sacred. Throughout the entirety of my adolescence I spent damn near every weekend over at her place. We’d go out to eat, catch a movie, and talk a lot about everything. Hanging out with her was actually more fun than hanging out with kids my own age. Eventually we invited all my peers over to her place and all my friends fell in love with her too. I have never met a single individual who does not immediately think my Aunt is the most interesting, beautiful, creative, fun person ever.

My parents were not reasonable people, and she was one of the few who was willing to tolerate their shit on my behalf. Very early on she appointed herself as my guardian. As such she understands exactly where I came from, therefore when she says things like, ‘‘I am absolutely amazed at the person you have become given all you’ve been through,’’ I can take the complement to heart… she is the one person, the only person, who knows exactly what things were like for me. Her biggest job when I was growing up was acting as a positive influence to counteract my negative upbringing. I moved in with her when I was 17 and she let me stay there rent-free while I was working full time and finishing school. I was not the easiest person to deal with at that time, being preoccupied as I was with my life falling apart, but she just kept right on accepting me and loving me no matter what.

Because she’s been around for so long, in such a positive capacity, my internal voice often sounds a lot like her. I observed the way she coped with setbacks by accepting the things she had no control over. I’ve walked out on romantic relationships turning abusive without a second’s hesitation because of her example. The older I get, the more I realize how similar we are. I guess the best way I can put it is that I’ve always absolutely adored her and considered her basically the most wonderful person on the planet, but now that I’m an adult I see so much of her in myself, and it makes me love myself that much.

I think the gift of absolute and total acceptance is the best thing you can give to a child, and that’s what she gave to me. She is one of the few adults in my life who genuinely respected me. Now I am nearly 26 and she is 39. We are both somewhat recently married and in a strange way going through the same life stage. We sadly don’t get to hang out every weekend anymore, but we are as loyal to one another as ever before. When my uncle died earlier this year she drove 14 hours back home to come be with me and help me take care of my other grieving family members. I didn’t realize she’d come for me until we discussed it later, and she said, ‘‘I could hear it in your voice. You needed me, and my job is to take care of you.’’

How you do it is dependent on your own style, but one value my Aunt really had for me is that she managed to create an environment where I felt there were no rules, even though there really were limits and structure. I’m still not quite sure how she did that, but if you can manage anything close I’ve no doubt your nephew will love you to pieces.

Apologies for the bump, but two things. First, I wanted to thank everyone for their thoughts so far. A lot of good stuff to chew on!

Secondly, does the advice given so far still works if I’m only able to see my nephew in person for a couple of weeks (the Christmas holidays) a year? That’s how far apart we are; my economic situation isn’t so hot right now, but the distance is the main obstacle. I guess it’ll be better once he’s able to talk over the phone and do stuff like e-mail/IM, but I thought I’d get folks’ thoughts.

Thanks!

My advice in that situation would be: if at all possible, when you are in town to visit your family, see if you can borrow your nephew for an entire day or so. His parents will probably like a free day of babysitting by someone they trust, and it’ll be easier for you two to establish a bond if you’re out doing something just the two of you.

Just be a good example. Preaching about how to live will turn him off. Only tell your philosophy of life when asked.

We moved 700 miles away from my grandparents when I was four. I knew my grandmother’s voice on the phone, but one day my grandfather answered the phone when my mom helped me call and I cried because some stranger was on the phone instead of Grandma! To help me know his voice and give us something that was “ours”, he recorded himself reading Kipling’s The Jungle Book and Just So Stories aloud for me. 33 years later, we still quote Just So Stories to each other - and I cherish those tapes! If he has any favorite books, it’s not too early to do something similar - or pick out a book that was one of your favorites as a kid, and send it along with the recording.

Wow, that is really moving. What a lovely thing he did.