In about six weeks I am getting my first niece or nephew, and I have no clue as to what I should do.
I have uncles and aunts myself, but they live far enough away that for most of my life seeing them has been an Easter and Christmas event. I will be very close by and really want to have lots of contact with them as I doubt I will ever have children of my own.
My first instinct as a single person with quite a decent disposable income is just to spoil them rotten, but suspect my brother and sister-in-law will not like that. Is that really a bad thing?
So what tips can any of you out there, either uncles, aunts or parents, give me?
I have no children and have exactly one niece (no nephews). I adore her and wanted her to have all the material things and opportunities I didn’t have. This was okay with my brother, but not with his wife. By the time I figured this out, it was too late. I no longer have a relationship with any of them, which breaks my heart.
My advice: back off. Defer to the parents always. Make it clear you want to spend time with all of them, but be cautious about inviting yourself over. The parents are in charge, and your opinion doesn’t matter.
That said, enjoy the heck out of your niece or nephew.
I agree that, in the end, you’ll need to defer to the parents. If they say, “Szlater, please don’t do that with our baby,” then obey them. However, try to spend time with the child as he/she grows up, especially (once the child is old enough) by offering to babysit for free. Most parents need some time away from their children, especially once they reach toddler stage. It can be very helpful to have an extended family wiling to do that sort of thing.
Spoil your niece or nephew rotten with experiences and attention, not with gifts. (Obviously there will be gifts ;), but try to restrain yourself.) This works best from toddlerhood on, but even before that Mom and Dad will probably like having an occasional break while you and your new baby relative get acquainted. Once your niece or nephew reaches the appropriate age, invest time in shared experiences like visits to a zoo or museum or just to the park, reading together, craft projects. What you do together will depend on the child’s preferences and your own interests. My nephew and I spent a lot of time devising new ways to demolish his army men; my niece and I spent hours walking through the neighborhood, playing SKUNK, and making up stories about people we saw on our walks. These are the happy memories they have of me. I don’t think either one of them could name a gift I gave them during those years.
Congratulations on your impending unclehood. I think you’re really going to enjoy yourself.
Your mission, should you chose to accept it, is to take them for evenings and on brief outings and, whenever you take them somewhere else and take them home later, to sugar the shit out of them so that they’re completely hyper and bouncing off the walls as you cheerfully thank your brother/sister/BIL/SIL for letting you have the time and smile as you walk away.
It is very important that you bond with the infant. At every opportunity hold and talk to her. For simplicity I will use this pronoun. This way she will become acquainted with your voice and smell, recognize you and not be afraid. As others have said spend time with her. With your decent disposable income open a savings account for emergencies and/or higher education. Deposit an amount you are comfortable with every month. Her parents can be the beneficiary. As the savings grows, you could do some investments.
With your attitude, I believe you and her will have a great relationship. Congratulations!
My SO and I are childless, and have 3 nephews/nieces.
We started out giving frequent small gifts, like a cool new flashlight.
One time, we walked in the door, and the 3 were lined up waiting for us, and the first thing they said was “Where are our presents?” We learned that lesson, and cut back on the gifts.
My experience as a 2x auntie (who is single and childless)
You might not really interact with the kid until they’re 6 months or so. IMHO the family will spend a lot of time getting their shit together during this time.
Don’t take it personally when you make plans to hang with the family and they can’t. Kids are horrible about keeping schedules.
Kids are kind of boring until they’re crawling and even then they’re sort of boring until they’re talking.
Once they’re talking it’s like “HELLO FUN TIME!” and then you start taking them places and having tons of fun.
The best way to get access to the kid is to pair up with the grandparent(s) who watch the kid, if that’s a thing. I tended to be my mom’s assistant so I didn’t have the heavy responsibility but I could be around the kids anyway.
Money is big, money is huge. Stuff is not so good. Parents will quickly become overwhelmed by toys and clothes even.
If you can, start putting together a playroom or even a toybox at your house. It will definitely make it easier for them to visit you. It also gives you a place to store those toys you just HAD to buy, but there’s no room for at their house.
Get a gate or two and some plug covers and think about how much you can or cannot babyproof your house.
If you can get a cheap high chair, pack 'n play and booster seat then they’d really not hesitate to come visit.
Savings bonds. The parents can set up an account for the kid at Treasury Direct and give you the kid’s info and you can send money to the kids’ account whenever you want.
Uncle of 2 and step-uncle of 6, here. I very much agree with presence, not presents. I wish I had spent more time with my nephews while they were little; now the oldest just turned eight.
Try to teach them about things that are meaningful to you which their parents may not care about. I love nature, but my sister and BIL think nature = resources to be exploited. I don’t contradict the boy’s parents, but I do try to show them the beauty and complexity of the natural world when I get a chance. You never know how the things you show them may influence their lives and careers.
ZipperJJ and others have some great advice. I’d add that you should always ask the parents what they need for the child before making special occasion big purchases.
Make sure you spend enought time with the kid to really know the kid.
Make sure you take them fun places and teach them cool new things.
Give the new parents a break by taking the kid away as much as you can.
Make sure you still spend time with your brother and do ‘grown-up’ things with him. (‘Grown-up’ things could be watching football or playing video games but I really mean something that is not centred around the child.)
Birthday and Christmas gifts must make noise and be annoying.**
**Be careful, though, if you plan to have kids someday. Payback is a bitch.
Thanks for the great advice, please keep it coming.
I see my mistake in thinking that buying lots of presents is a good thing… There hasn’t been a small child in our family for a very long time and so I have no idea really what to expect.
The only thing that working with little kids for a couple of years in primary schools has taught me is that there is a big difference between children who have lots of experiences outside school and those that just sit in front of the TV/games console. So all those that suggested being the uncle that takes them to cool places, thanks. I’ll start drawing up a list of all the places I would like to take them for when they’re a little older and can appreciate it.
Anyone got any tips on holding a little baby, this makes me really nervous.
See if they offer any grandparents classes at local hospitals or clinics. My mom and I went to one and while I never had to do most of the stuff they went over (dress, wash…change diapers (i know!)) it still did give me a couple tips and made me more confident. They do teach you how to hold and pass a baby.
Remember that their necks don’t work for a long time. Always support the head.
First of all, the people you should be asking are the parents, not us. Whatever you do has to be OK with them. At least until the kid is 14 or so and you can start teaching them about good music, not the crap their parents listen to.
But my thought was the best thing, for the first few years, you could do for the family is babysit. And, depending on who you are, and who the parents are, and how they see you, you might want to figure out if there’s anything you can do now to boost their confidence in you in that role. If nothing else, get (or borrow from them) a book on babies and caring for them. If you know of anyone else with babies, try and hang out, hold them, help change a diaper, etc.
Trust me, if you show up, show some knowledge about what she should be doing at this age, ask the parents to show you where the changing table is, where diapers, wipes and clean clothes are, how she feeds (bottles, etc), etc., and then offer to watch her for an hour while they sleep, you will be their favorite relative.
Not an aunt or a mom, but I do have friends 15 years older than me, so they have young kids.
The nicest thing I do for them is let them know whenever I’m free Friday-Sunday. A simple text message or email saying “hey, I’m free 11-4. Feel like getting a breather?”. They often do
I sometimes hang out with the kids at the house (toys, games, physical activities or book reading – limited TV and limited computer) or take them to museums where they or I have passes or to the park.
They like bike rides and they like weaving wild stories of what happened to them in the house and me entertaining them as real (they had a lion over for dinner, but he was polite and only helped himself to seconds).
I’m a parent and I appove of lindsaybluth’s and Quercus’s messages.
Spoil your niece or nephew by simultaneously spoiling the parents. Here’s how.
First, as they are newborn, the parents will likely be exhausted and overwhelmed. Make their lives easier by offering services - if you have the time, offer to clean up their place, intercept visitors, stuff like that. Only if the parents want that of course - some relish privacy - but in general, offering stuff like that is very appreciated.
Second, as the kid gets older, babysitting. A trustworthy aunt or uncle who can watch and entertain the kids with good activities is worth their weight in gold.
Material presents - not so significant. They’ll get tons of that sort of thing. What can’t be bought is your time.
Yet another vote for being the cool uncle who takes them places and teaches them things. Don’t spoil them with lots of gifts, but do buy a small something (stickers, pencils, key chain for hanging on backpack) if they are on your mind when you go somewhere interesting without them – sporting event, concert, vacation, festival.
Uncle of four, parent of two here. Becoming an uncle is fantastic. As I recently noted in an identical thread on another forum, however, you will, sadly, have to wait several years before you can teach your niece/nephew how to sing Weird Al Yankovic’s The Song That Will Drive You Insane, as I taught my nieces to sing just before they left with their parents for the two-day car trip home from my house.
Baby-holding- as noted, mainly you want to support his/her head at first, until the neck gets stronger. Otherwise, it doesn’t take much holding before it isn’t scary anymore.
To reiterate what Quercus said, if you want to be REALLY awesome, be willing to do burping and diaper changing. Not every childless person is up for this, so no worries if you’re not. It’s just extra cool if you are. (Also worth bonus points with women, if that’s significant for your relationship status and gender preference.)
Baby stuff and books and, eventually, toys at your house are a great idea.
It’s been said plenty now, but yes, definitely cultivate as close a relationship with the child as you can- it’s really rewarding for both of you.
