Now that is an achievable goal.
That was pretty much my only goal, in fact. Two 48-hour periods with no sleep in five days (+ a three hour written exam, all before the mandatory oral exam) coupled with concurrent severe personal issues - yes, staying alive was all I wanted.
Well, that or immediate, painless death.
You have to check the serial number for the date code. Self-centering fuckwheels weren’t produced before 1987. Before then, you had to center them with a spanner.
I’m not sure I agree, I know some stupid people who passed the bar or the CPA exams.
Moreover…hey, welcome. Intelligent people now have the opportunity to discover how the other 90% of the population feels when confronted with a test. BFD. Do you think these well meaning people didn’t have test anxiety? They’ve probably dealt with more test anxiety than you will have in your lifetime, because they AREN’T bringing enough raw IQ points to the table to do it without a LOT of work - sometimes even with a lot of work they don’t bring enough IQ points to the table. They barely passed high school algebra, had to go to summer school in ninth grade. They do know how it feels.
Maybe playing major league ball is more stressful than little league. But major leagers chose it. And you know what…maybe its not.
Then they should understand anxiety about results, and should know better to dismiss it with a cavalier remark.
Yes, it’s more stressful, because huge amounts of money are at stake, and it’s infinitely more difficult. To tell a major league ballplayer that you know he’ll do well because he did well in Little League would be a gross insult.
The take home lesson from this ordeal is to stop seeking reassurance from people who don’t know the full story.
The test was eally hard. So hard that even a smart, studious person was capable of not acing it. The well-wishers probably didn’t know that and you knew that they didn’t. So being angry at them because they were bad at predicting your performance is unfair. I’m sure when you tell them what happened, they’ll be more careful the next go around.
Don’t beat yourself up too bad. You aren’t the first brilliant person to screw up on their qualifying exams and you won’t be the last.
Then I HOPE you will do well, but from what I gather of the situation, you will probably FAIL.
nm.
Statsman, I hope everything works out for you. Sorry you were so stressed. 
So sorry to hear about your exam, statsman1982. This is very similar to what happened to my student when she did her research proposal. We worked together closely and I always thought she was going fine. However, as the exam approached, her practice runs were starting to get unfocused. Nevertheless, we practiced over the weekend and I thought everything pulled together. Nope. She totally choked.
All along, I was trying to be encouraging. Well, because I didn’t warn her about how much she was going to choke, it was all my fault! I guess she was lashing out like you but I tell ya, it really strained our relationship. It’s a shame because she squeaked by and got her PhD but she never lived up to her potential because of the constant chip on her shoulder.
See, the thing is, no one can predict what’s going to be on an exam. We used to have written ‘comprehensive’ exams in our department. They’re never comprehensive. That would be impossible. Instead, professors hand in questions that are different from year to year. So we’re really not testing your knowledge of the whole field. Moreover, grading is very subjective.
Long story, short, unless you’ve been struggling in all your classes, these exams are not an indicator of your intelligence or even a predictor of your future success. They’re more of a test of your character and dedication.
Please try to have a little more confidence. Be very pro-active in your oral exam. Don’t be afraid to repeat the questions and make sure you know what the professors are asking. Then, mull over the question out loud. Don’t just sit there thinking with a blank stare on your face. Say things like, “So what you seem to be asking is this and this. From what I remember in class, that has something to do with this and this. If that’s true then blah blah blah.” Next minute you know, you have the answer. Sometimes the professors are kind enough to help you along. Remember, if you’ve been doing well in your courses, they will really want to help you. High graduate student attrition rates reflect poorly on a department.
Best of luck!
I know how disconnected a candidate can feel when support is offered in platitudes. They mean well, and they think you’ll do fine, but they don’t understand the task and so they underplay it. If you share your doubts, they wave them away. If you pass with flying colors, no one is surprised; if you don’t, they don’t understand why and it can feel humiliating. If you have people you can talk to who understand what you’re up against, use them for support and take your family and other friends’ comments as a reflection of their esteem, not as comps-specific feedback.
Best of luck!
This would be an awesome anti-Hallmark card.
What’s the difference between oral and rectal thermometers?
Taste
In all sincerity, thanks to those who are offering encouragement. I was able to review the exams and I actually passed both portions. One portion, the one that I have to do an oral defense on, was borderline, however. For some reason, one of the members of my committee said that I need to do an oral exam on the second portion anyway to satisfy him. He’s kind of a big deal, so people listen. I am not as depressed as I was the other night, when I thought I bombed the whole thing.
I wouldn’t call “sarcastic asshole” a useful psychological diagnosis.
At first, I thought it was an Onion horoscope, but then I realized that those are usually funny.
This was the message I so badly bungled the other night when I made the OP. Deep down, I really do appreciate everyone who wished me well on these exams, even those who unintentionally made me feel worse by saying that I had nothing to worry about. All of the constructive points I’ve read in this thread are well taken.
That’s what I was going for, thanks. 
No, not really. It’s an advantage Normals have that you lack. You know you’re fucked. They remember the juvenile, smart-ass you and still see the skies open before you. They don’t know how wide those skies really are, and God bless 'em.
Accept now that you will fail and the only people you will disappoint are them, and they are bloody peasants who had no idea of what you were up against.
(Correct me if I’m wrong: This tool’s a Brit? The same people who, against all odds, advanced against the Kaiser at the Somme and Passchendaele? And he’s whinging about some fucking TEST?!?!?)
I don’t know, I think I’d rather be shot at then take quals again. I mean, I’ve never been shot at, so I reserve the right to change my mind. Still though, fuck quals.
Kids these days! With their lack of a World War and so forth. We have it so easy.
Basically though, statsman, put yourself in someone else’s shoes. Some dude comes up to you wringing his hands about quals. You’ve got your own problems. Maybe you can’t quit smoking, maybe trouble with the lady, maybe the boss is giving you a rough time. It’s really hard to carve out a sincere and meaningful phrase of consolation even in the best of circumstances. And yeah, non-academics don’t “get it” just like they don’t “get” what a Kaplan-Meier estimate is or why it’s different from a Mann-Whitney U. Okay? You should be used to talking esoteric jargon by now.
That’s the spirit.
If you’d have only came to me I would have looked you right in the eye and reminded you what a short peckered, premature ejaculating, gay donkey lover, sub-prime return getting, low income, Yugo driving, thinning hair inept you really are.
That way you’d have felt much better about getting as far as you have.
I don’t know what gave you that idea.
Here is an honest-to-god question: Do you and all the people here who keep calling me out for being ass (which I was in the OP) not realize that I’ve made several posts (including this one) since declaring that I was, indeed, in the wrong and that I do appreciate well wishes (I appreciate well wishes)?
Am I not playing this game right? Should I be rabidly defensive of my OP and continue posting in that vein? Am I supposed to be starting pit threads on everyone who dares disagree with me? I’ve been on the Dope long enough to think that’s maybe what several of you are trying to have happen. But I can’t say that I’ve ever seen a pit thread where the original poster repudiates his pit, and people still criticize him for holding a position that he, in fact, has already apologized for (see about Post 20 or so).
If it’s a pile-on people want, I suppose you have it. But I just don’t see the point.