Am i an unfeeling bitch?

In My Humble Opinion
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(Am i allowed to use that word in thread titles?)

I’m talking to one of my friends right now on MSN messenger and shes telling me about how she keeps having panic attacks about the exams we have coming up and shes been thinking about harming herself to make it all go away. My response to all of this was something like “Oh, well. These things happen.” After that she started talking about how she couldn’t see or feel anything else but complete failure. Hmm… I’m not feeling any sympathy here. If you think you’re gonna fail your exams then do something about it, blow your nose and start revising. Surely sobbing aint gonna help.

Is it wrong that I’m not feeling the slightest bit sorry for her? Surely if these exams are such a strain shes gonna struggle even more with college, and getting into college is what all this is about (i think). I’m usually good with the empathetic/caring friend thing but in this instance i just don’t care. How wrong is this exactly?

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Hey! Welcome to the UBAA. You’ll find Pellegrino, cheese and water crackers on the table to your left and some leaflets and the latest newsletter on the table to your right.

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This thread is better suited for In My Humble Opinion. I’ll move it for you.

Cajun Man ~ SDMB Moderator

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I think if you offered some helpful direction, such as how to calm down so she can study, she might think you a bit better of a friend.

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I think Salty Captain will have to join the UBUK, Juanita. :smiley:

If your friend is partaking in a self-indulgent whine fest, then you aren’t an unfeeling bitch. If there is a chance she is actually emotionally disturbed/depressed, you should feel some sympathy and maybe lend a friendly ear or send her in the right direction to get help (campus counselor?) Presumably you know your friend, and can distinguish which one of these things is going on here.

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You’re not being an unfeeling bitch. Its called exam stress, and it affects different people in different ways. In your case, you’re simply becoming more focussed on the task in hand - revising for exams. In your friend’s case, she’s panicking. There is very little you can do about this. Offer a sympathetic ear, remind her you’re in the same boat as she is, and that the best thing for her to do is revise, and most importantly relax. If you need to, stop replying to her messages, or block her for a while. I know this sounds harsh, but ultimately, her attitude may rub off onto you, and this will knock you for six mentally, and wil not be good for your exams.

Also - I notice from your location that you’re in England - does this mean you’re currently doing GCSEs and going onto FE, or are currently in FE, and are going on to HE, using “college” in the American sense? Just asking, since knowing where you’re at in the education system will make any more advice so much more relevant.

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Hee hee. I can tell that shes genuinely distressed but the point is that i don’t give a shit. She was being so melodramatic, i just had to laugh

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FYI, GCSEs, leading to 6th form

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It’s your call in the end. If she’s just whining, then sometimes people like that need to be told to shut up. I mean, you are all in the same boat, are you not?

But, and this a big but, different people have quite different reactions to stress. I’ve only had two or three panic attacks in my life, and I have to tell you, after going through with them, I realized that maybe I underestimated the ability of stress to really fuck with you. And that perhaps I should have been more understanding to people with similar problems in the past.

So do be careful. I’ve found the “screw you! if you want to fail, then fail” approach has actually worked beneficially with my friends in the past. But it really is a crap shoot. If this behavior is unusual for your friend, then I would not have taken your course of action. If, however, she’s known to be a bit of a whiner, I could understand your reaction.

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Seems to me that you should do her the courtesy of forwarding her this quote. It would probably be helpful for her to know the quality of your relationship with her so that she can make decisions about what to share with you.

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I can’t tell from here. Maybe your friend is just a whiner. However, your friend may be in the middle of a deep depression, and if so, you haven’t helped, and so I would have to say yes, you are a bitch. If you haven’t experienced depression, you may feel that it is something that only weak people feel, or something people can wish away. It is neither.

Perhaps you mean ‘friend’ in the informal manner that so many people use it - as in 'acquaintance." But:

this just doesn’t seem like friendship. Luckily for me the people who call themselves my friends do care and have been there when I needed them. I hope this person has people who are not just acquaintances in her life.

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It really depends on how your relationship with her is.

My best friend used to have panic attacks constantly. He would call me and tell me he was gonna die, he was scared…etc. I would just laugh at him and tell him to shut up. Not because I didn’t care but because I knew it was the only thing that would calm him down.

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When I was in school and would get all worked up about tests and grades, I’d ask myself, “What’s the worst thing that can happen? And if it happens, what will I do about it?” Usually the worst that can happen isn’t really that bad. We’re adaptable creatures, and even the worst of failures is usually only a temporary setback.

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Try telling your friend: I J A T. I J A T. It’s Just A Test. If you fail, you will still have all your vital organs, and be able to play the violin. Your significant other will still love you. So will your mother.

I worked with a theatrical set designer who taught me this trick; during crunch week madness (the week before the show opens) when lead actresses threw fits, and directors screamed, and underlings would burst into tears, he would repeat calmly I J A P. I J A P. Eventually it sank in: it was Just A Play.

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My SO is in the middle of revising for AS levels at the moment. Presently we are operating long-distance, so all communication is via Messenger or phone, and she does nothing but whine about how she’s gonna fail etc. etc.

Now she has good grounds to be worried - her teachers messed up royally and there’s a good chance she’ll have to re-take a few courses; also, further maths wasn’t really her thing to start with anyway.

Sadly enough though, I’ve heard the same old litany dozens of times now and it just fails to move me anymore, despite how much I may care for her. Ultimately, being a 2nd year lazy good-fer-nothin university student, I know how to react to the prospect of almost certain failure; work your butt off the day before the exam and go in there and do your best. Whining is NOT constructive.

I got my message through like this: the other day, as she was whining on AGAIN about all this, she said: “I just don’t know what to do, it’s all too much, I’m just gonna fail…”

I said “Well, I don’t know what to say. I mean, I’ve heard all this from you before a coupla dozen times now and you know what I think - just work your hardest, try your best, and trust that no matter what happens in the end, whether you fail some stuff or not, everything will work out alright.”

She immediately siezed on the fact that she’d been a stuck record on this and hadn’t in fact acted on any of my suggestions (which is a good realisation - my very next suggestion was going to be "oh for GOD’S SAKES, shut the <naughty word> UP and do some <naughty word>ing WORK already and you’ll have less to bang on about!).

Now she’s still stressed, but she knows not to talk to me about it unless she actually wants some genuine help i.e. free maths tuition.

Not sure if any of this is relevent to the OP; I guess it means that if you, Salty, are an unfeeling bitch then I guess I am too.

Wanna form a club?

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I’m not going to say you’re an unfeeling bitch, but that’s kind of cold. Your friend sounds like she needs encouragement or help, especially if you think she’d really hurt herself.

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Yes, you are an unfeeling bitch. You also sound like a shitty “friend.” Glad you aren’t my “friend.”

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Maybe she isn’t being melodramatic at all. Maybe she really IS hinking about harming herself to make it go away, something I used to do all the time.

If you don’t want to deal with it, that’s your right. But at least gain yourself some good karma by pointing her in the direction of counseling before your block her from your buddy list (which you really should do if you don’t want to deal with her).

If she really is leaning towards self-harm, it’s not the exams themselves. It’s the pressure. And it will keep coming right back at her in all manner of different situations until she gets some help.

Do both of yourselves a favor and don’t even pretend to be her friend.

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Salty Captain, I wouldn’t say you are a bitch but your attitude certainly comes across as very unfeeling and shallow. Maybe she caught you at a bad time though. Perhaps you reacted that way because you’re also stressed about your exams and you weren’t ready to deal with it??

But try and think about how you’d feel if you confided in her about something similar and she just dismissed as nothing like you did.
Also it’s worth remembering that if anyone ever says to you that they are thinking of harming themselves, they usually mean it and you should take them very seriously.

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Well, in two years time no one will care how you did on these exams - just so long as you got five GCSEs at C or above. However, I can’t give any more constructive advice, apart from remember at the end of the day these exams are merely a stepping stone onto further qualifications. Trust me on this one - no one ever asks what I got in my GCSEs, or my A-Levels for that matter - just my Masters degree.

However, if your friend really is so stressed about things that she’s considering self harm, then don’t just sit there and laugh - that is being bitchy. Instead have a (confidential) word with either your form tutor or hers. But don’t laugh it off; seeing your second to last post in this thread almost made me wish that I hadn’t spent the time I did on that reply, as you did come across as very shallow, very unfeeling, and very bitchy. If you are a friend to her, then be supportive, as opposed to unfeeling about things. If you can’t cope, then talk to someone who can.

Oh, and green dragon, in that case, can I join the club as well? I’ve had to say that on numerous occasions to a friend of mine who’s doing her PhD, but keeps on whining about how hard it is. She tells me that I’m doing too much, but she’s the one whinging about how her supervisor’s given her lots to do. Go figure.