I need help...

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’m not in imminent danger of offing myself, but I think about it a lot. I’ve been seeing a therapist for a while, but there are so many issues going on that we don’t have time to cover everything in 50 minutes once a week.

I’ve been on antidepressants for years but was recently changed from Paxil to Lexapro and Buspar by my psychiatrist. But he told me that nothing but therapy can get rid of suicidal thoughts. He also said not to think about suicide. On the advice from many here on the Dope, I decided to drop him and am going to see someone else this Thursday. Perhaps she’ll be more helpful.

I don’t have many friends here because I don’t like the typical pastimes in West Texas (football and other sports, and drinking). In fact, I would literally get more enjoyment out of watching paint dry than watching any type of sporting event. So I don’t have anyone to talk to that I don’t have to pay for. I have a girlfriend, but she doesn’t live in town, and I don’t think she’d be able to take the fact that I think of suicide a lot. She’d blame herself; she usually blames herself for lots of things.

I’m a doctoral student, so that’s a lot of the reason why I’m stressed. I’m the only student in my program as well. On top of that, my advisor is a really big deal. I’m ABD now. I don’t really enjoy anything but teaching, and I know that teaching is worthless for an academic’s progress. The only thing that I really enjoy right now is playing video games. I can play for hours with no break and never feel tired. Of course, that’s a worthless pursuit because I’m not anywhere near good enough to play in tournaments or do anything related to playing skills.

Yes, I exercise, but I hate it. I’ve been doing it for several months, and I hate it. I hate feeling warm. I feel exhausted, not exhilarated, after a workout. I bring this up because everyone treats exercise as some cure-all for every ailment known to human kind. “Just exercise, and your mood will increase.” Nope.

Basically, the only things keeping me going are 1). my parents, who would probably kill themselves if anything happened to me 2). the girlfriend, who would probably kill herself if anything happened to me 3). I’m a chicken.

I have the number for the Suicide Hotline. But isn’t that only if your on the edge? What about just wanting to talk?

2

I know of a chatroom for folks struggling with similar problems that might be useful, I can PM you the info. Usually it’s just people talking back and forth about mundane things, but it’s nice to have a place to go chat any time of day or night like that.

3

I can’t offer any advice, and I’m not qualified to do so. But I AM the benefit of a successful medication/therapy process, and my wife is ALSO the benefit of a successful medication/therapy process (she had suicidal thoughts).

Assistance is out there, but I’m not sure how to get it to you. It can take quite awhile to get the right chemical cocktail, and the medical staff has got to want to help. Likewise therapists seem to run hot and cold. Just because your current one isn’t doing it for you doesn’t mean the next one will be just as bad.

Being the only student in a program must be a living hell. You’ve got no one to commiserate with. What are you studying?

4

I would appreciate that.

5

So, have you found that medication can stop suicidal thoughts? 'Cause my (former) psychiatrist says everyone thinks about suicide, and medication won’t stop that.

I’m studying business statistics. A further problem is no one really knows where to direct me for an academic job, since the last person who went through this program to go into academia was back in 1985.

6

One out of every four Americans has, or will, experience serious depression at some point in their lives. So you are not alone.

Medication and talk therapy do help and the unpleasant news is that it’s not a quick fix. Usually it means changing the way you think about yourself, others and your life and probably also changing the way you live your life. That’s usually an unpleasant process but well worth the work.

Like anything worth having, peace of mind is something you can’t buy.

The good news is, that if you are well-supported and motivated, recovery from depression is more achievable than probably at any time in the history of the blues and you will learn quite a bit about yourself and how to have a satisfying life in the process.

Should you hang out with a group to discuss your depression (an excellent idea and real life is more useful than online) I’d suggest you hang out with folks who want to talk about the solution rather than the problem.

7

I hope you have a better day tomorrow and call your doctor and level with him. Your meds may not be working. You been switching up a lot and Buspar is an old drug. Effexor is for major depression and you may need something newer and stronger.

Get a good nights sleep and I hope tomorrow you make that call.

8

Sent, and I poked my head in there just to see if it’s still active, and it is.

9

By all means continue to get the professional medical support you need.

But also, I recommend you check out my thread In Which I Endeavor to Make Myself Happy by Any Means Neccesary. A few months ago, I embarked on a project to make myself happier. It has been a huge success- it has changed my life completely. I’ve been using a lot of stuff from Feeling Good and the fairly-well-supported-by-science The How of Happiness. Perhaps it’s not for everyone, but this stuff has made a huge improvement in my quality of life.

Also, find an exercise you like. I used to run because I thought it was a good thing to do. Then I started doing yoga just for the hell of it. Turns out I actually hated running and love yoga- yoga class is easily the highlight of my day. My body has gone through a lot of positive changes, and I’m high as a kite for an hour or two after my classes are over. There is probably something like that out there for you.

10

Many people have suicidal thoughts at various high stress points in their lives, and then circumstances change and the thoughts go away. Being a doctoral candidate if you’re not really into it is a huge stress, then having a morose, self flagellating girlfriend when you’re kind of morose and self flagellating yourself is another stressor, and is no help, and being in a place you really dislike is an additional stressor.

But… you chose all these, and you can unchoose them.

If you’re really that close to a PHD I’d advise you to tuck your head down, bite your cheek, and simply head for the goal line. Once you’ve got your degree your life and your options will be entirely different. You can go teach at a low stress community college and decompress a little.

One concept that’s a little pop-psych, but is true, is that you, personally, can CHOOSE to own (ie take on) or reject stressors. People. especially people with strong or needy personalities, will try to get you to own problems and stressors not of your making all day long. Some are unavoidable operational requirements if you wish to get a task completed, but a good many others are entirely matters of personal choice. Getting your head above the trees and taking an Olympian view of the stressors you wish to own, and those you wish to reject is a good way to put your priorities in order and reduce stress in your life.

Reducing stress tends to make the suicidal thoughts vanish entirely.

11

…and be seen as an utter and complete failure by everyone. That’s the message I constantly hear: Big University = Good, small teaching school = you’re a worthless piece of shit who we wasted our time on.

12

I don’t recall if you have anxiety as well as depression, but my experience with people with anxiety disorders* is that what they will focus on as a scary thought is the thing that scares them the most. It’s not about the thing you’re scaring yourself about so much as it is about finding something that always gets your attention (i.e. insert scary thought here). I really hope your new therapist works with Cognitive Behavioural Therapy - CBT in combination with medication is very effective for anxiety and depression.

*I’m recovered from an anxiety disorder myself, and I am a co-leader of a local anxiety support group.

13

I know a Ph.D who teaches math at a community college. I don’t think he considers himself a WPOS. He makes most of his income from day-trading, so I suspect he teaches because he likes it and likes the area. It matter little what other people think; only what you think. I appreciate people who think well of me. Those who think I’m a fool, a jerk, an idiot, or otherwise just hate my guts don’t matter. It’s not my job to live up to their expectations.

Don’t say, ‘I’m a failure! I have to work at this crappy community college!’ Say, ‘Hey, I earned a Ph.D! I’ve accomplished something that most people never will! AND I get to teach!’ There are things I have done, and do, that will never bring me any recognition. My two great passions are flying and filmmaking, and I can’t afford to do either at the moment. (Stupid mortgage!) Some people would call that failure. But it doesn’t matter what they think. I have my goals, and I’m working toward them. I’ve had setbacks, and I’ll have more. But I keep moving forward. You have the immediate goal of completing your studies. (Again, a goal most people can’t even aspire to!) Achieve that, and then you have another goal. It’s all about moving forward, and damn the torpedoes; full speed ahead!

Hang in there, and pay no attention to those nattering nabobs of negativity! :slight_smile:

14

Again, YOU get to decide whether you own this particular attitude or not. It is an attitude that people who do not live your life are trying to pin on you, like blindfolded kids trying to pin the tail on the donkey.

As a reality check I live in a community with a superb regional community college, and several of these Community College teachers and administrators are members of my Rotary Club. They are reasonably well paid, very respected members of the community, and seem quite happy and pleased with their academic lives. They talk about their vacations, their marriages, their honeymoons, their new houses, their bike and kayak trips, and their students in casual conversations, and I don’t get a sadness or missed opportunity vibe from any of them.

You need to decide what’s important for you, not what other people think is important for you. If you let other people dictate what your level of satisfaction should be with your life choices you may well be suicidal, hell I might be suicidal in that context.

15

Is your psychiatrist and your therapist the same person? My experience has been that the psychiatrist doesn’t do much in the way of talk therapy. I may talk for a few minutes, he prescribes my meds, and I’m on my way. My therapist, on the other hand, is where I can really make progress in solving the puzzle that is me. I’m also a big believer in CBT. You learn how to focus and think differently. Good luck to you. Your posting here is a big step in the right direction.

16

No, thankfully, not the same person. The therapist I’m seeing is in the psychology department at my university. She’s actually new for me; my previous one got reassigned, so I’ve started over somewhat with someone new. It’s not the best care money can buy, but at $8.50 a session, the price is right.

17

When did you start feeling this way? Did anything trigger it? Do you ever have moments besides videogames where you feel better?

18

You know, when I was first starting out, Some of my “homework” assignments were to do things that would look bad. It really helps when you realize that people not thinking well of you is not so bad.

As for suicidal thoughts: they’re normal on an occasional basis, when life is really bad for you. But it’s like depression–if you have them often enough, then you probably need to deal with them.

I do think most of your stress comes from worrying too much about what other people think of you. You’ve got to get a handle on that. The only thing I can recommend is intentionally trying to make yourself look bad. Start online or something in a place where you know the consequences are completely nil.

Well, that and bringing it up to your therapist and asking for better homework.

19

Isn’t being happy with who we are and what we have in conflict with human progress? With complacency, we’d still be in the stone age. It’s only dissatisfaction with life that gives us progress, right? Being content means never trying to do anything better. If my attitude about wanting to teach were everyone’s attitude, there would be nothing to teach, right? It seems I’m wanting to do something that’s inherently inferior.

20

Basically, I feel better whenever I’m not working on something I need to be working on. If it serves no purpose, I’m all for it.

If I were paid to be a student the rest of my life–go to class, take tests, study, learn–I’d be perfectly fine with that. I enjoy learning for fun. I read textbooks for fun, sometimes. But the moment I’m “supposed to” do something, I hate it. That’s what has kept me away from seeking a job in the videogame industry. I’m afraid that as soon as it becomes something I’m supposed to do, I’ll hate it.