Where to start? Let me preface my ramblings with an acknowledgment that yes, I do have it pretty good compared to most people in the world. I have two loving parents, a girlfriend who loves me, a master’s degree, and everything but a dissertation to write before I become a Ph.D. I don’t have major health problems (other than depression and anxiety), and no one I know is in immediate danger of dying. So for many people, my life would be great to have. I realize that things could be (and are, for many who might read this post) much, much worse. I get it. If the only thing you have to say is, “Buck up, you whiny little bitch,” or words to that effect, reading the rest of this post is not worth your time.
Lately, I’ve been wondering if I can stand 60+ more years of this: life. I feel numb most of the time, as if nothing really is worth going on for. I’m not seriously considering ending my life, because that would hurt the people I love, but on the other hand, I’m finding it hard to see what happiness is. Precious little these days “does it” for me. I’ve become jaded about the future of my country (US) and the world, and about life in general. I’m not “feeling” much these days. Everything I do, and everything that others do that seems so important, rings hollow to me. This causes me a great deal of sorrow because it’s leading me to not perform at my best.
To cite one example of how my attitude is affecting others, I’ve become rather apathetic about a course that I’ve been “teaching” since I began the doctoral program two years ago. I put teaching in scare quotes because I don’t, in fact, do much teaching at all. The class is a discussion/lecture format with a weird twist: I’m the instructor of record, but I don’t actually lead the lectures, assign the work, or prepare exams. The course coordinator does all of these things, and directs all of us discussion instructors. All we do is help students with presentations and grade them. Since the course coordinator wants to keep things as homogeneous as possible among all the lab instructors, we aren’t allowed much freedom in how we conduct our classes. Since last semester, I’ve essentially been phoning in my work for this class, and it doesn’t seem to matter (haven’t gotten teaching evals back yet, so maybe it did show, we’ll see).
Okay, so I’m apathetic about teaching. Problem is, I don’t really think I’m cut out to be a top researcher either. I don’t want to go into all the details on my journey to ABD-ism, but let us just say that I should have taken many, many more advanced math classes before I began my business statistics degree. I’ve been working hard to fill in the gaps, and I have done a fairly good job at teaching myself basic analysis, linear algebra, and probability theory. But when looking at the literature in my field, I feel woefully unprepared. I just don’t see how I can become any kind of tenured researcher.
Let me conclude this…whatever it is with an admission: There is one thing that I really love and that makes me happy. Video games. I think it’s the escapism that it allows, but I’m not sure. I can play for hours and not be worn out. I’m not great, but I’m not bad either. Problem is, I don’t see how this hobby can fit with my schedule. Every waking moment, it seems, I should be doing research, you know, advancing my professional career. But all I want to do is escape into video games. How pathetic is that?
Oh, and before someone thinks this is going to turn into another mookieblaylock-type thread where I shit on everyone’s advice, let me assure you that I am open to advice/suggestions/well-wishes. And I am on Paxil, Wellbutrin, and Buspar, and I see a therapist once a week (a grad student in the psych department).