This is embarrassing, but I don’t know what else to do.
A little backstory. I am 22 and I graduate with a teaching degree next year.
Everything up until now has been shit. Raised by a schizophrenic mom, abject poverty, foster care, mom dying, dad going schizophrenic, shitty relationship from 16-19. College has been HELL because of fucking money problems.
I’m smart enough to understand that this kind of thing causes emotional/control problems in people. I just feel dead and that anything good that happens doesn’t matter. I’ve made smart decisions up until now (only have student loan debt) but I know there is no way I will be able to teach next year because of feeling this way. What else can be done with a teaching degree? I feel really scared and awkward around other people, but if I can’t teach, I just don’t know what to do with this degree. And it feels like I’m going to end up just like my mom (crazy and in poverty).
Have you talked to your school’s counseling center? Almost all schools have some free or low-cost counseling available to students. That would be a great place to start.
You have a fear of fear, which is not uncommon. You have a fear of being out of school and starting the next stage of your life, which is not uncommon. You have a fear you will inherit your mother’s mental illness, which is not uncommon. You have a fear of the future in an uncetain economy, which is not uncommon.
Sound like you’re pretty normal to me. The thing is crazy people don’t know they are crazy. The fact that you fear these things attests to a minor problem rather than a major one.
This doesn’t help, but what you’re going through isn’t different from what most kids your age are going through. Oh sure the circumstances are different and maybe the degree of your problem is worse, but the basic premise is the same.
Let me tell you a story, my father died when I was 11, I felt uneasy, like what would happen to me if my mother died. Who’d take care of me, how would I get along, etc, etc. When I was 16 she died. Well that worrying didn’t stop her from dying anyway. BUT it did allow me to prepare for the worst. I graduated high school at 15, I learned how to cook, keep financial records and I was OK after she died.
So you see fear can be useful.
I would recommend finding a group of people your own age and talk over your problems. Then if that doesn’t help perhaps talk to your doctor. You can’t expect to feel happy constantly and a little misery or worry isn’t always bad.
Find some friends to talk to, get your mind on other things, like volunteering or working out regular, (a little physical exhaustion does wonders) and realize you’re not alone.
I’m sorry you’re feeling low Let me second counseling, it can really help.
Just because you’re not ready to teach now doesn’t mean you won’t in the future. That’s the thing to remember about depression and anxiety, it doesn’t mean that you’ll always feel this way. That’s especially true if you can find a good therapist to talk to. Don’t be discouraged if you don’t sync with the first one you try, sometimes it can take a few tries to find someone that you feel comfortable with.
Help, eh? Whaddaya need? You want jokes? We got jokes. You want kittehs? We got kittehs. You want medical advise? We got mods.
Listen, if I had it to do over again when I was your age, I’d have gone to a medical professional so that’s what I’m going to suggest. Money isn’t the problem, it’s your outlook and worldview. I’m not saying you don’t need money to accomplish the goals you’re shooting for, but maybe the goals aren’t what would ultimately please you anyway.
At any rate, you’re in no condition to judge that right now, I think. You need to get your feet back under you before you do anything else. Any combination of shrink, pharmaceutical and physiological diagnosis may help. Sounds like you got the crazy germs in your family. Maybe it’s all psychological for the lot of you, or maybe it’s a congenital thing (hypothyroidism?) that presents as depression & psychosis.
Hopelessness is usually the result of reality not appearing to align with demands. Change your demands to mesh with reality and you may find the happy. Sometimes, however, hopelessness is simply a chemical imbalance that will manifest itself regardless of your outlook, condition and status. See the doc.
Yep, you need a doctor. And bravo for asking for help. With mental illnesses and conditions there is still a stigma attached and I so wish there wasn’t.
If you need to start with your primary care doctor or the school’s medical facility, they should be able to guide you from there. I got my first round of medication for anxiety and depression from my primary care doc years ago. He ultimately referred me on to a psychiatrist. Most psychiatrists and/or counseling centers have sliding scale payment plans, too.
Good luck. This is not an easy problem to fix, it may take time but you need to get your head well before you can tackle the rest of your life!
The problem with depression is that when you have it, getting help seems overwhelmingly difficult. I know. I’ve been diagnosed with clinical depression and have relapsed several times over the last 20 years. (And stay on the meds when they tell you too, kay?) I can tell you, there is help, although sometimes it takes a couple tries. DO NOT GIVE UP. There is a better, happier, more worthwhile life out there. I promise. JUST DO IT>>>>>
I know it’s likely that nothing can make you feel better at this moment, but… Do you know how amazing it is that you’re getting this degree? That you managed to rise above everything you mention in your OP rather than just giving up? And I don’t mean that in a ‘Don’t you know how lucky you are?’ way or even a ‘Don;t waste it!’’ way. Just that, however you look at it, simply pursuing it means you’ve obviously got brains and skills.
Hopefully being a student means you’ll have easier/cheaper access to the health care you deserve.
Meanwhile, as you are going through this, just remember that depression is not your fault. It’s not a character flaw. If you need help in finding the right doctor or therapist, don’t be afraid to ask someone you trust and admire – a fellow student or a professor. If you get really down, take yourself to an ER. Treat this as you would any other complicated and serious illness. Just don’t be hard on yourself about it.
Mostly I just feel like a failure because I know I won’t be able to teach right now, because being around people is hard. And I’m already graduating a year late due to stupid depression, so it’s even worse. I feel like I should have done the smart thing and gotten a desk job that would have paid well instead of an english degree I probably won’t use.
If you do go to a therapist, ask them about cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). You might also want some talk therapy to get some things from your past straightened out, but CBT is the cat’s ass for anxiety and depression.
I was just coming in to say this. CBT seems to work very well for those of us suffering from anxiety and depression. Your past life sounds pretty farked up, but it only has control over your future if you allow it. Finding a solution to your anxiety and depression will start you on a new, healthier path.
ETA: Oh, and don’t forget about meds. Anti-depressants gave me my life back several years ago. There are many different drugs and combinations of drugs out there so it may take a while to find the right combination/dose but don’t give up. Same thing with therapists. I have had 4 different therapists over the years. One was one of the most well regarded in her field and she and I just didn’t “click”. It’s no harm, no foul to change doctors until you find one you are comfortable with. It’s a very personal decison. Ogspeed!
You’ve already been told “see a doctor” and “see a school counselor.”
I think that when you think of teaching you see it in terms of “children in a classroom environment.” But there’s other aspects to it: corporate training, for example; people with teaching degrees are needed in corporate training to prepare the training materials, adapt them to different target groups (teaching maintenance men in the US about non-discriminatory practices is a completely different animal from teaching non-discriminatory practices to office folk in the UK, yet because both countries have the same majority language the materials used are often the same - bad mistake), train end trainers, be end trainers. Your school’s advisors will be able to come up with other suggestions.
Not with all mental problems. Phobias are an anxiety disorder, and people with phobias often know that their phobias are irrational. Knowing that the thing you’re so afraid of really is harmless doesn’t make the thing you’re phobic of any less scary (this is one of the differences between anxiety disorders and normal fear), but many people with phobias do know that their fear is irrational.
Just because you’re worried that you’re crazy doesn’t mean you don’t have a mental disorder that might get better with treatment.
Teaira, you’re far too young to call yourself a failure. A lot of people get sidetracked in life at your age, and wind up abandoning, or at least postponing their original plans. I was 23 when I joined the army. I did it, because I wasn’t entirely sure about what I wanted to do with my life, and I considered the army to be my last chance to run away with the circus. I thought it was just going to be four years out of my life; instead, I walked out with a good wife, rather . . . interesting skills, and new directions and perspectives that have made a lot of difference to this day.
My point is that at your age, you simply don’t know about everything that’s out there to see, do, and discover. Don’t be so quick to consign yourself to oblivion. See where the treatment takes you. You’ve got the rest of your life to teach (or to work some crummy desk job for that matter). Just get treated. Soon. See where that takes you. See what doors it opens up. But it all begins with treatment, especially with your family history.
I had kind of a lousy childhood too, although it wasn’t nearly as bad as yours. I really feel for you, Teaira, because I’ve had friends in that situation. Then again, look at it this way. You’re free. You have no past worth speaking of. You have only the future, and it doesn’t get much more liberating than that. Of course, liberation comes with its own baggage, but you can learn to deal with that just as you can learn to deal with everything else.
Good luck! It’s not easy by any stretch, but you won’t be the first one to overcome this sort of thing.
Here’s my 2 cents worth. When I was in college, I also was studying to be a teacher. But the semester I was to do my student teaching (LAST thing to do before getting my degree!!!), I quit the program, and changed to an English Degree. Why? Because depression and anxiety had be doubting my skills as an educator. “Why did I ever think I could be a teacher? What kind of stupid idea was that? I can’t talk to the parents!” ALL that ran through my head on a daily basis, until it drove me to quitting. Now 20 years later, I am still not a teacher by profession. I am a high school secretary. I work with the kids daily, and give advice, talk, tease, discipline (vaguely), and just work with the kids. I teach them, but not academics, I work more on social skills, and just common sense stuff. It is a blast!
The point? you don’t have to teach, until you are ready to teach. An English degree will open doors for getting a “real” job. (not McD’s or other fast food stuff). Before I became a secretary, I worked for a publishing company as a print buyer. I had ZERO experience in the field, but the fact that I had a college degree told my future employers that I have a “stick it out, and get it done” attitude, and THAT is what they liked. If you really like kids, and want to teach in some capacity, you could tutor, or sign on to substitute teach until your confidence comes back.
Finally, Zoloft helped me tremendously! I am now able to control, or get on top of, the feelings of depression or anxiety. I am able to critically think about what is making me feel anxious/depressed, and deal with the situation, instead of the situation controlling me. GOOD LUCK, and Congratulations on making it this far!!!
Thank you all for the advice. I made an appointment with my advisor to talk about what options there are and hopefully I will be able to talk to a therapist also soon.
It is really the social anxiety that makes me nervous about teaching. I have a really hard time taking criticism and disrespect from other people (I also have a hard time giving out criticism or standing up for myself) so maybe there are other options for work while I get that sorted out. I hope there is something that will make me less sensitive to that.
It takes a lot of courage to recognize that asking for help is the thing to do. I suspect that some of the people offering advice in this thread have been where you are emotionally, including a family backstory and crappy relationships. Those things say far more about the nature of life than than they say about you.
Looking your problems in the face (and I know how ugly that face can be) and asking for help says something about you.
My background isn’t as dire as the one you have described, but I did experience a good deal of poverty and parental craziness. When I graduated with my doctoral degree four years ago I expected it to be the high point of my life, but it instead turned out to be an incredibly anxious and depressing time. I was faced not only with losing my school community, but moving 2,700 miles away to take a faculty job where I didn’t know a single soul. For several months I alternated between deep depressions and horrible anxiety attacks.
This is all to suggest that big changes and events, at least for me, can inspire a lot of dread, anxiety and depression; I always beat myself for not enjoying the “high moments” that I work hard to achieve, which doesn’t help.
Let me second (third?) the suggestion to see someone for some medication aid and perhaps CBT. Zoloft has helped me strategize ways to get rolling when I’ve felt paralyzed and powerless.
Teaira, maybe you can take some slim comfort from knowing you aren’t alone. Not only do I have depression and anxiety, my just graduated daughter is back home with her own issues with it, and so DOUBLING mine. (I’m worrying for the both of us!) Go to the doctor and get help, and good luck. Exercise, a healthy diet, and keeping busy help some, but sometimes it isn’t enough.
Let me second counseling, it can really help.