Looking for advice here, anything at all.
Ok, Started school on tuesday, have to be there are 815 , but its do-able, I get the kids on the school bus at 740, then change and head out.
I cant sleep at night.
I go to bed at 10 or 11, I am tired, but my demons chase me around the bed. My Mom is failing fast, suffering now, starving, smothering, it couldnt be more terrible. She cant speak, she cant eat, she can barely breathe, but yet she lives. Grammie calls me, we cry. Poor sweet old grammie. Fuck. My stepdad is crumbling, a shell of the man he was.
When my Mom dies, I will be really alone. I KNOW I need to suck it up and move on, but she isnt DEAD YET! How can I move on, when it isnt done yet?
I am terrified about school. What if I have a breakdown when Mom dies? A real possibility as my anxiety problem is slowly requiring daily medication instead of weekly. I know I HAVE to be ok, but what if I cant hold up?
THESE are the demons that chase me at night, for hours while I cry myself dry, and sleep finally out of sheer exhaustion.
Talking doesnt help. I have talked myself hoarse, I still cant sleep. A shower wakes me up, TV and books make me more awake, HOW DO I GET TO SLEEP???
I took a Xanax, didnt help, so the next night, I took one and a half, I slept all right, I slept through MY FIRST CLASS that day!
Again last night, demons, I even got my precious wonderful 6 yr old to sleep with me, thinking the warmth of his body, the sweet sunshine smell of his hair, his slow breathing would settle me, NOPE.
The stupid cat even got in with me. I finally petered out around 1 am.
This morning, I started to cry in school, had to take a half a xanax to stop the shaking in my hands, I was ok shortly after it kicked in.
I love school, truly love it, love my teachers, love the classmates, it was the best thing I have done in ages, but I am afraid I will mess it up. I dont want them to think I am a flake. I cant blow this chance, I just cant.
I have to get some sleep or I wont make it guys, help me please, how can I get some sleep?