If I dont get some sleep soon, I wont make it,

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Looking for advice here, anything at all.

Ok, Started school on tuesday, have to be there are 815 , but its do-able, I get the kids on the school bus at 740, then change and head out.

I cant sleep at night.

I go to bed at 10 or 11, I am tired, but my demons chase me around the bed. My Mom is failing fast, suffering now, starving, smothering, it couldnt be more terrible. She cant speak, she cant eat, she can barely breathe, but yet she lives. Grammie calls me, we cry. Poor sweet old grammie. Fuck. My stepdad is crumbling, a shell of the man he was.

When my Mom dies, I will be really alone. I KNOW I need to suck it up and move on, but she isnt DEAD YET! How can I move on, when it isnt done yet?

I am terrified about school. What if I have a breakdown when Mom dies? A real possibility as my anxiety problem is slowly requiring daily medication instead of weekly. I know I HAVE to be ok, but what if I cant hold up?

THESE are the demons that chase me at night, for hours while I cry myself dry, and sleep finally out of sheer exhaustion.

Talking doesnt help. I have talked myself hoarse, I still cant sleep. A shower wakes me up, TV and books make me more awake, HOW DO I GET TO SLEEP???

I took a Xanax, didnt help, so the next night, I took one and a half, I slept all right, I slept through MY FIRST CLASS that day!

Again last night, demons, I even got my precious wonderful 6 yr old to sleep with me, thinking the warmth of his body, the sweet sunshine smell of his hair, his slow breathing would settle me, NOPE.

The stupid cat even got in with me. I finally petered out around 1 am.

This morning, I started to cry in school, had to take a half a xanax to stop the shaking in my hands, I was ok shortly after it kicked in.

I love school, truly love it, love my teachers, love the classmates, it was the best thing I have done in ages, but I am afraid I will mess it up. I dont want them to think I am a flake. I cant blow this chance, I just cant.

I have to get some sleep or I wont make it guys, help me please, how can I get some sleep?

2

Oh, kelli, sugar!

Do your teachers know what’s going on with your family? I mean, not so you’ll get some sympathy, but so they can be aware that any struggles or problems that may occur are not a result of your lack of committment or anything. I’d just let them be informed so that they can help. You might be surprised what they could do for you.

Talk to your doctor and see about some different medication if the Xanax isn’t working. S/he may be able to prescribe something that will not only help you sleep but also help your anxiety.

Thinking and praying for you.

3

was this why you were asking about the effects of nicotine gum on a non smoker?

I second the comment about your doctor, and letting your teachers know. I wouldn’t want to suggest anything to take orally w/o your doctor’s supervision.

I’ve gotten into jags like that myself where I’m so worried I can’t sleep and telling myself to calm doesn’t work, too. I’ve been fortunate in that it never goes on for more than a few days for me.

Sorry (and sorry too for misspelling your name in the nic gum thread )

4

Thanks guys, yeah, the teachers know, but I still cant help feeling like I look like a nut.

That is why Iwanted to know about the nic gum, either
to get me to sleep , or wake me up when I havent slept much.

I see Dr Quack in October, but she is a useless twat. (free health care, you get what you pay for!)

wring, as long as you dont call me smelly, I dont sweat the spelling :slight_smile:

5

I hate to say this, but the only reliable way I’ve found to ensure good sleep is to find out the root of what’s keeping me awake and deal with it. In the most recent case, it was an unsatisfying job and an unpalatable roommate.

6

Gosh kelli it sounds awful. I really think that you should see the doctor again sooner and tell him the problems you are having. He should be able to prescribe you something for both the anxiety and the sleeplessness.

But, until then here are a few of my “tried and true” methods for getting to sleep when I can’t stop my mind from racing.

No caffeine after about 10 in the morning. I know it is hard to give up the caffeine when you haven’t been sleeping well, but you would be surprise at how long it stays in your system. Anything you do during the day to stay awake can make it harder for you to sleep when bedtime comes around.

About an hour or so before bed time take a long hot bath. The hot water relaxes you and eases some of the tension from your muscles. When you get out of the tub (or maybe while you are in the tub) have a nice glass of red wine. If you drink too much it will interrupt your sleep patterns, but I have found one glass of wine is really relaxing.

Finally, turn off the TV and the lights, close the book and close your eyes. Force yourself to think about relaxing happy things. I know it is really hard right now, but try not to think about your problems at all. If those thoughts enter your head push them out. Even refuse to think about the things that lead up to your problems. Instead focus your thoughts on something pleasant and not too exciting, like your children or a movie you watched recently. Above all, don’t worry about not sleeping.

This is the hardest part and it takes some practice but you can do it. I am not telling you to move on or not to cry or worry about your problems. Just force them from your head at bedtime.

Good luck kelli. I hope that things get better for you soon. I love your name. kellibelli was what we always called my little sister.

7

I will try the no caffeine, maybe the wine too, but I dont want to start drinking to relax, I can just see the trouble that would get me into, but a glass in the tub sounds pretty tame.

I used to play the “what would I do with 12 million dollars” game in my head, after I set up all the trust funds and figured out the interest, I was usually sleeping, but lately even the self talk: “Its ok, everything will be fine” gets chased out.

Makes list:

  1. no more coke

(they really called your sis kellibelli? thats what I was always called :slight_smile: thanks for saying that, it made me smile)

8

I wouldn’t recommend anymore then one glass of wine. Any more then that won’t help you get a good night sleep and developing a drinking problem isn’t going to help anything. One glass when you just need a little assistance relaxing never hurt anyone (except maybe an alcoholic). I can’t see how it could be worse then a sleeping pill.

Besides, isn’t a glass of red wine a day supposed to be good for you now? Do it for you health! :slight_smile:

Yes, we really called my sister kellibelli. Sometimes even kellibelli sitting in jelly. Of course, my family was(is) strange.

9

Oh geez, gotta do this first. . .

{{{{{{{{{{{kellibelli}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I’ve been there. You feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders, I know. After my wife died last year I couldn’t sleep for about a month.

Instead of taking the sleeping pills my doctor pushed on me at every turn, I decided to try to actively relax. A double bourbon rocks, soft music, and a pitch-black room did it in spades. Deep breathing helps too.

A good mental exercise is to take each of the things you’re worrying about and visualize them as a physical object. Once you have that image, imagine yourself destroying that object and by extension the problem. It sounds corny, but it usually works for me.

Good luck and I hope you get a good night’s sleep soon, cher.

Zappo

10

Umm… pray?

If God doesn’t exist it is at least a good way of getting your thoughts in order and subconsciously dealt with.

If He does, well… you need Him on your side.

[sub]He does. He’s my best friend. He got me through my brother’s suicide.[/sub]

11

Kell, can’t remember where you live but here in the U.S. we have a wonderful organization called Hospice. They offer help with people dealing with terminal illnesses. They can help you or direct you to an organization who can. Your sleeplessness is undoubtedly related to your mother’s condition. Perhaps you feel so out of control now and so helpless that you don’t want to surrender to sleep? It’s not uncommon.

You CAN deal with this, of course, but it’s not going to be an easy road. Talking to someone who’s been there will help.

Good luck.

12

Kelli, I’m so sorry about what you and your mother are going through right now.

Instead of trying to get past this when it hasn’t happened yet, I suggest that you just put off dealing with it. It hasn’t happened yet! When you start to think about this, tell yourself “I’ll deal with that when it happens” One of my favorite quotes is “Sufficient unto the day, the evil thereof”. All you are doing by trying to deal with it now, is sapping the emotional energy that you need to deal with everything else that is going on.

What time are you taking the Xanax? Is it possible to take it earlier in the evening? It probably needs some time to kick in; by the time it kicks in, your body is rested and wants to go do something.

Here are some of the things I’ve done when I’ve had insomnia. Some of these you’re probably already doing. BTW, I’ve kicked the caffeine habit and it helped a lot, but I don’t recommend that you give it up entirely while you’re in school.

  1. Don’t take the sleeping pills. Although they are not addictive in the way we tend to think (you won’t jones for them if you miss taking them) they are addictive in the sense that once you have taken them for a while, you will have to take them to get to sleep, but they won’t have the same effect they used too. This is because you tend to not get the necessary REM sleep you need to be rested. If you must take a sleeping pill, take it well before you go to sleep. For instance, I prefer to take sleeping pills 2 hours before I go to sleep, so that the pill can get into my system and make me drowsy before I get into bed, then get out of my system (hopefully) early enough that I get some normal sleep.

  2. Try to go to bed at about the same time every night. You have some wiggle room on this, but if you stay out on Saturday night till 3, it’ll be harder to go to sleep at 10PM Sunday.

(Which somewhat contradicts:)

  1. If possible, don’t go to bed if you’re not sleepy. Note - one thing I have read and found to be true is that you have to be awake for 12 hours before you can go back to sleep. So if you sleep till noon, again, you won’t be sleepy at 10PM.

  2. Don’t spend more than 15-30 minutes trying to get to sleep. If you notice that you’ve been in bed more than 15 minutes, get out of bed and do something for a while. Make sure what you do isn’t going to make you more hyper; e.g. no exercising or energetic music or writing posts to Great Debates (or reading GD for that matter :wink: ).

  3. When you go to bed, choose a chore or some other task that you do not want to do and tell yourself that if you are still awake in thirty minutes you will do that task. Then, if you are still awake, get up and do your chosen task. This is my favorite suggestion, as it has worked nearly every time I’ve used it.

Those are the most useful suggestions I have. Other things you can try:

Before you start getting ready for sleep, turn off high energy music and turn the lights down. I love R&R music, but I went through a period where I had to turn the radio off every night about an hour before I went to bed, or I would be to wired to sleep. And our bodies react to reduced light by producing melatonin which puts us to sleep.

Get plenty of exercise, but not right before bed. (Unless you’re weird like me - exercise right before bed just puts me to sleep) In your case, exercise may wipe you out enough to exhaust your demons.

Masturbation (or sex) produces a nice soporific chemical, which does a nice job of putting you to sleep. I realize that you probably don’t feel like this, but it may be what you need to break yourself out of the cycle of despair.

Another suggestion that might work is to relax your body, consciously, one area at a time, starting from your feet. You think about the ball of your left foot and relax it, then the ball of your right foot, then the arch of your left foot, etc. You have to concentrate (pretty hard) on what you are doing, so it should shut up the demons for a while.

Good luck and I hope that you start getting more sleep.

13

Kelli

An unusual post from me but then everyone says I’m eccentric, all I can say is I wish I had the opportunity to feel the pain you feel now, with no parents, grandparents or much family at all to mourn their passing it makes me feel incomplete to know that I can never have or lose what you have had.

Mourning the loss of something is nothing like as bad as never having the feelings at all.

At least you have the chance to remember and that must be a source of comfort, hope things work out for you.

14

kellibelli, i’m sorry this is happening to you.

i agree with the get out of bed if you can’t sleep. sometimes the couch is better, or a compy chair. perhaps try yoga with your munchkin? the two of you can do a few yoga things and then munchkin to bed and you to bath. the breathing exercises in yoga really help with relaxation.