Take up an MMO. If that’s what you love, don’t fight it.
Thanks for your perspective! I think I have made some progress in the sense that I don’t believe in the “research = good, teaching = bad” idea anymore. It takes all kinds in this world, and that includes academia. There was a time that I really thought that there was something wrong with me for enjoying teaching more than research, but then I realized: It’s my life, dammit, and no one else’s.
The therapy is mostly talk stuff. I don’t really know how to distinguish that from CBT. She does try to get me to engage in “thought challenging” when I get into spiral of negative thoughts. Basically, she wants me to practice coming up with alternative explanations for events I might view as negative.
And as a New Year’s resolution, I decided to make 2010 a healthier one for me. My diet is okay–low fat, no caffeine, no sugary sodas, lots of natural fruit juices, etc. What I really need to do is exercise. It’s a big mental block for me right now, but I’m trying to work on it. I’ve thought about joining the rec center on campus here, but I feel a little intimidated. It seems that the only people who go in there are those who are just trying to maintain a good figure, not get one. I’m not enormous, but I am overweight (6’1 213 lbs), so I really need to get my fat ass to the gym 
Heres a song you need to listen to if you feel like people are pressuring you too much.
Trivia. That formed the theme song forr a quirky tv show that only ran 2 seasons in the early 80’s, Bossom Buddies, with a new up and coming star, Tom Hanks, and another Peter Scolari, who looks like a dead ringer for young version of the Dr House’s cohort the cancer doctor.
That song always makes me feel better when I feel society judging me a bit too much.
I don’t know what you mean by “natural fruit juices”, but you are still probably getting way too much sugar by drinking so much fruit juice. It’s always better to eat an actual piece of fruit than have just the juice from it. There are tons of nutrients and fiber that you get by eating fruit that you can’t and don’t get drinking fruit juice.
Also, I second (or third, or whatever) the recommendation to see a specialist. Especially if you’ve been on the same meds since 1998 and they’re obviously not working as they should! There are new drugs and different combos and, I’m sorry, but an NP simply doesn’t have the knowledge in the field to be prescribing psych meds.
Wishing you all the best!
This is the real truth … we have a genius at hand!!
I’m serious otternell, whoever you are… preach it!
Sounds like your therapist is doing CBT. If you like her, keep with it. I would also recommend that you see a psychiatrist. Some folks are easy to diagnose and prescribe for, others are harder. The harder ones need to see a psychiatrist.
Look, grad school is hard. If the internet had existed back then, I could have written the OP when I was working on my PhD. It is stressful, competitive, and it is hard to get emotional support. No one gets what you are going through except your fellow grad students, and I sure would hate to depend on a bunch of mathematicians for emotional support. I would be willing to bet that you are smarter than you think. All this garbage about feeling unprepared is exactly what I thought–and then I decided to switch fields while working on my dissertation (I didn’t, but I was so frightened that I really wanted to). I guess what I am trying to say is that some of this is just normal grad school crap, and that it will get better once you are out and working and see how competent you really are.
What I meant was that, if I drink juice at all, it is only the 100% juice kind, with no added sugar. I also drink the “lite” fruit juices that have less sugar than the pure stuff. I also drink plain water whenever I go out to eat (which is not often). There’s also a brand of sugar free sparkling water that I drink frequently. I try not to load up too much on sugar because a). it leaves a sour aftertaste in my mouth and b). it’s not good for me.
I also eat lots of apples, oranges, and strawberries. I love fruits. Now, vegetables are a different story. For as long as I can remember, I have detested salads. I’ve tried plain vinegar and oil, ranch, thousand island, you name it, and it just can’t bear to choke the stuff down. But I love vegetables in almost any other context. I will eat vegetarian spaghetti and pizza on occasion, and loved cooked carrots. Yes, I know that most of the nutrients are lost when vegetables are cooked, but I just can’t bear raw vegetables in salads.
I’ve talked with her about getting referrals to outside therapy providers, and she seemed willing to help if I thought I needed that. But I don’t want to stop seeing her, partly because the price is right ($8.50/week) and because I feel at ease talking with her. Can one seek therapy from two providers at the same time?
One thing that helps me when I get like this is to find some volunteer work to do with noticeable, quick results. This is usually some kind of physical labor. My studies may be abstract and the tangible results years away, but that bunch of bricks I just unloaded and stacked is a pile well piled and that lot I just cleared is visibly different. It makes me feel better somehow.
Sorry I missed answering your questions, **Hampshire **and Chessic Sense; totally an oversight on my part.
I’ve lived in West Texas for about 17 years. Well, eastern New Mexico for most of that, but my hometown town is quite close to Texas geographically and culturally. I’m a native New Mexican, and haven’t traveled much. I’ve been to Seattle, Chicago, Denver, D.C., and if all goes well, I’ll get to go to Vancouver this summer. I’d love to live in a different part of the country, or in another country
And **Chessic Sense, **I’d thought of SAD as well, but I’ve had feelings like this for well over a year now, so it seems to not be related to the seasons. Plus, I actually love overcast days and am mildly happy when they occur, probably because we get so few of them around these parts.
I’m no expert – I’m just going by what my nutritionist has told me. Fruit juice, even the kind you squeeze fresh from whole oranges in your own kitchen, contains too much sugar if you also aren’t getting the other healthful benefits that eating the actual piece of fruit will provide. He took me off orange juice and told me to just eat the dang orange.
Also, be aware of sugar in places you might not normally think of being sugary; milk, ketchup, pickle relish, many breads.
Also really important and I didn’t see it mentioned yet, is to be sure you’re getting proper sleep, and enough of it! 7 to 8 hours of restful sleep. It is really a critical element to your mental well-being.
Speaking of which, it’s my bedtime. Sleep tight!
My addition to all the good advice you’ve been getting is to stop trying to feel the way you are ‘supposed to’ feel, and just accept what you do feel. If you shut your feelings and preferences down because they are irrational, or impractical, or unjustified, you go numb. Everything you want is going to be shot down in flames by an internal critic anyway, so why bother wanting anything.
One way to get in touch with the stuff on the other side of ‘numb’ is to put aside some time every day, maybe half an hour, and just write stream of consciousness whatever comes into your head. Doesn’t matter if it’s trivial, or mundane, or fanciful, or angry, or whatever, just keep writing. When your time is up, just put what you’ve written away in a drawer, or an envelope. Don’t reread it, or critique it. Do it every day. Well, you don’t have to do it every day, it just takes a little while to start to get expressive in that medium, so doing more of it helps. This is a practice that has helped me a lot on the past, and maybe it will help you, (or maybe not I guess).
I agree and feel the same thoughts as you. I don’t have hope for the future and I wonder if I can make it another 60 years too. sigh
I admire you for getting a Ph.D…I had so much anxiety, no motivation to get out of bed, paranoia, and hopelessness that I stopped going to college. I only have an Associate degree with some credits going towards a Bachelors.
You sound like a normal PhD student to me. I’m also nearing finish and prior to Christmas was having a “can’t be arsed” attack that lasted for months. The novelty of teaching has worn off, and it’s more of a pain than anything. Similarly, my XBox is in regular use, and I also get doubts as to how well I’d succeed as a professional researcher.
What worked for me was taking time off and not doing any work at all. Luckily, the Christmas break gave me an opportunity to do that: the past two years I’ve been working all over Christmas, but this year, I refused. It’s got better now.
Nope, not kosher to see two therapists at once. Stick with the one you like and can afford, IMHO. Changing your meds is likely to make a bigger difference.
Not to throw it all back on you or anything, but aside from giving you advice (most of which you’ve no doubt heard and/or thought of yourself) and telling you that we’re sorry you feel like shit and sympathize (especially those of us who have done graduate work!)… is there anything we can do that would actually constitute help? Does it help just to be able to air this stuff a bit?
Not been where you are, but it sounds like maybe you’re ready for a walkabout.
Can you take a couple of months off? Go roaming, get away from it all for a while?
I agree with the “get a physical” advice. A lot of mental problems can be traced to something being out of whack in the body.
Video games are the only thing floating your boat? You might consider taking some programming courses and then designing your own games, or going to work for a good gaming company. Turn your weakness into a strength.
It worked for Carrrot Top!
Hmmm, maybe that wasnt very helpful after all.
**Weedy
**That’s a great idea! I’ll definitely try that.
**AHunter3
**It just helps to let it out and hear other people’s ideas. To hear that others have felt/are feeling some of the things I am feeling is reassuring. A lot of the time, I think that my thoughts are unique to me, simply because I don’t often share them with others IRL.