Paralyzed with anxiety

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

This is about all I can do, write in this little space. I am absolutely paralyzed right now by anxiety. I need to get stuff done today, but I can’t bear to do any of it. I’m a dissertation-level student now, so I don’t have to call in sick, thank god. But I haven’t showered, and the prospect of doing anything is overwhelming. I take Wellbutrin XL 300 mg, see a therapist, and have an appointment with the psychiatrist tomorrow at 10. I’m doing all the “right things.” I exercise 3x a week (the one activity that I hate with every fiber of my being, and I"ve been doing it for 6 months now regularly, by some miracle). Exercise increases my anxiety, I don’t care if no one believes me, it does. I always, always, feel worse after exercising.

Jesus Fucking God, I have to write something to show my advisor tomorrow, but the prospect is killing me. I can barely write what you aren’t probably reading now. All my sentences are jumbled and thoughts are too. Everything is stream of conciousness. The idea of writing anything meaningful now makes me nauseated, and my fingers numb. I feel as if I’m on the edge and only a little gust will push me over. Edge of what? I don’t know.

I do know one thing with 100% certainty…the ONE thing that WILL calm me down, and the ONE thing that gives me a SHRED of happiness, is quite pathetic. Video games. I think I have an addiction. The desire to play is always in my mind, and when I do play, I can play for 12 hours at at time or more. But, like alcohol or drugs, even though it is guaranteed to make me feel happy and calm, it will only end up hurting me. God (and I don’t believe in that), why did you have to make the one thing that makes me happy something no one will ever give me money for and that people often deride? I’m not that good, I’m okay but not that good. Not pro good anyway. I’m scared that I’m going to have to give up the one (pathetic) thing that makes me happy, and then I’ll have nothing. I’m sorry to all those whose parents and loved ones are no longer around, but I have parents and a girlfriend, but the games are what truly make me feel better. Always. Without exception.

I’m going to leave a message for my therapist, in some vain hope that it will do some good.

And what to tell the advisor? He’s told me he feels sorry for those with mental illnesses (we were discussing the Alabama professor who killed her colleagues; they’re charging her with a 1986 death too, I just learned). Mental illness has a stigma. It’s not like I can’t work because I have the flu or something; I can’t work because anxiety is making me just want to crawl into a hole and die.

If your best (and heartfelt, I agree) advice is to exercise, please don’t waste your time replying. I know exercise makes 5,999,999,999 people on the planet feel like a million bucks, but it doesn’t work for me. It just doesn’t.

2

Don’t overly pathologize yourself. It may be true that you have some clinical depression/anxiety, but much of what you’re experiencing is completely normal during the diss process. I was paralyzed for weeks on end on and off. Don’t beat yourself up about it and don’t feel like it makes you abnormal. Welcome to the special club! Just tell your advisor you’re freaking out and he’ll say “Yeah. Why don’t you take a few days off and go to the beach?” Try to keep a sense of balance.
Now for a mantra (from a 16th-c Dutch proverb): ‘"Every little bit helps,’ said the mouse, as he pissed into the sea."

3

It could be worse. You could have a mouse in your house. A creepy little thing chewing through the drywall, just waiting for you to fall alseep so he can crawl on you and suck out your blook then sexually violate you :slight_smile:

4

FWIW, I would never deride you for playing video games. They’re fun, improve certain kinds of cognitive function, and perhaps most importantly in your case, can function as a stand-in for much more harmful addictions. You’re not addicted to alcohol or drugs right now, right? You see. Now, would it be possible for you to parcel up your gaming into stretches of time suitable to reward yourself for working on your dissertation? Even if it’s five minutes of writing / one hour of playing. As capybara said, the mouse. Later you can work up to capybara-sized chunks of work :stuck_out_tongue: But right now: Tiny bit of work, reward. Tiny bit of work, reward. Just don’t allow yourself to go over your set time / kills / levels. Once you do that you’re just on another binge (speaking from experience). This is how I work, only right now my rewards are SDMB browsing, and I’m not being strict enough with myself… OK, you’ve just inspired me: from now on this evening I’ve got to do one whole diagram between one post and the next. And you can ask me how it went.
P.S. What’s your game of choice? Mine’s WoW, but right now even that feels like too much effort for me, hence the message-board reading :smiley:

5

That quote actually made me chuckle a bit, which is quite rare for me nowadays. Thank you, and Og bless the Dutch.:slight_smile:

Is it really, honestly, reasonable to tell my advisor that? He hasn’t been in my shoes in 26 years (I’m 27). Maybe he’s thinking, “Fine, Statsman1982, if you don’t like doing this, maybe you ought to quit.” I mean, he’s kind of a big deal in statistics circles due and is quite prolific. He must think this shit is fun.

Nope, not addicted to drugs, alcohol, or nicotine (the latter, I’ve seen, is quite popular among students). I’ve thought about the reward thing, honestly, but my willpower is pretty low. I’ll get into a game and enjoy it so much for the plot, control, and action, that it seems almost impossible to go back to anything else. I’m literally alone, although I have a girlfriend two hours away, so there is no one to take the games away.

The weird thing is, I used to play games a lot until 9th grade, when I gave them up because of school. I graduated 4th in my class of 500 with a 4.0, probably largely because I didn’t have that distraction. I’ve never felt a desire to play games as strong as I have it now. Even in undergrad, I always saved the games for summer or winter break. I always did my assignments, and they were always first priority. I feel as if I’ve regressed (heh, regression), emotionally, to being a teenager who needs to be told what to do.

BTW, I don’t have just one game. I play all kinds except for sports and racing. The current time-wasters have been God of War III (beaten in 3 days on normal) and Darksiders (beaten in 6 days on Apocalyptic (i.e., hardest) difficulty. As I am not that good, that should tell you just how long I binge.

6

I am not saying this has a thing to do with your problem at all, but it jogged my memory of a friend a few years back who complained that her anxiety increased with exercise. Found out she had mitral valve prolapse instead of anxiety. She was pretty young, in her early twenties so she wouldn’t have suspected it to be a heart problem at first.

I have really bad anxiety issues. I know your pain. I would not recommend exercise as it does nothing for me but make me sore and uncomfortable. I have recently started meditation and I think it really helps me. I follow a video on youtube of a spinning prayer wheel and chant for about five minutes. I don’t even know what the chant means, I just find when I’m doing it it keeps out the intrusive thoughts, leaving me more relaxed and refreshed.

I also play Sims. :slight_smile:

7

Hehe. Set a timer to turn your PC off after a certain time, so that if you haven’t exited you lose your progress? Or just the screen, so you won’t damage the computer but still get a jolt to tell you it’s time to do something else? Never mind if that’s not the way to go for you, all I really wanted to say is that playing games isn’t some dreadful vice that you need to be ashamed of; you can find ways to make it help you.

8

And I hoped that we’d be able to remain cordial–I’m a console gamer :slight_smile: :smiley: (although I have played games on the computer too).

I know that a video game hobby per se isn’t harmful or addictive. But there is some chemical reaction in my brain that says “You need more! 12 hours isn’t enough.”

There is a poster (you maybe?) that told me in another thread a while back that video game “addiction” wasn’t real. I don’t remember what thread it was, and I don’t remember the rationale. There is such a thing as gambling addiction, right? What’s the difference?

And if it’s not a clinical addiction–I’ve told my therapist about this at least twice and she hasn’t bitten yet–what do you call wanting to play all the time, and for extended periods of time, and that it is the one thing that gives me some happiness? Obsessive maybe?

9

Have you tried yoga? I hate exercise, but I like yoga. And it helps my anxiety a lot more than other stuff I’ve tried. I need to start doing that again.

Other than that, I got nothin’ except sympathy. I’ve never been a gamer. I read obsessively instead. At least people don’t give me shit for that. :cool:

10

I looked up mitral valve prolapse. How would they even know to check for it? I go to a cardiologist for high blood pressure (at 27, my PCP thought that a little odd), and have had several ECGs and auscultations, and no one has mentioned that. But, who knows?

The smell of the gym is nauseating to me. My knees hurt when I use the leg press on the circuit. The exertion on the machines doesn’t get out my aggression; it just hurts. As I wander from machine to machine, thoughts of suicide enter my mind, because I can’t imagine having to do this 3x a week for the next 60-something years.

I tried a class with a friend once. Almost threw up due to exertion. I also felt so pathetic looking at all of the beautiful girls there (I go to a student rec center). I know they probably weren’t looking at me, but if I were to see me, and I looked like them, I would hate me for “ugly-ing” up the place. Maybe it’s because I’m such a harsh judge of other people that I project my thoughts onto others.

What really upsets me now is that when I see the psych tomorrow, I bet he’ll suggest exercise. Doctors always do, and I guess for good reason. Tired? Exercise. You blue? Exercise. Stressed? Exercise. Have a headache? Exercise. Missing an arm? Exercise. Head’s come off? Exercise. Yes, I know it is an undeniable scientific fact that exercise is required for health and well being. But someone forgot to tell my lizard brain that.

11

I’ve heard that, and I’d like to try it. But–and I know this is very Junior High-ish–isn’t that really a female thing? I’m already a little nervous around women who aren’t my girlfriend (for very good reason), and I don’t want to be seen as that one Yoga guy who must be here because he’s trying to get some.

Dammit, I know people don’t think this way, but just knowing they might be thinking it bothers me.

And reading, yeah. You lucked out in terms of a favorite hobby. It’s odd, really. Grown men will take off work, spend thousands of dollars, and whoop and hollar like animals when they watch a bunch of guys on a field kick or throw a ball around, and that’s A-Ok. But do those same things (I don’t, but some do) over beating a challenging game, and you’re a loser.

12

This bit made me laugh and remember an animated gif of the “British” version of this, in which, instead of exercise, the answer to all things is tea.

13

You’ve given formal exercise a really good try, and if it’s not for you, it’s not for you. My sister found when her anxiety was the worst, she would focus on her breathing and worry about not being able to breathe - mindful meditation that focuses on your breath made her anxiety worse, while it made mine much better.

If I thought the only way I could exercise was in a gym, I’d be pretty bummed, too. You know that taking a walk around your block is exercise too, right? Sunlight in your eyes (stimulating your pineal gland), fresh air in your lungs, and stretching your muscles is all good. It doesn’t have to happen in a nasty gym. All that said, if exercising is making you miserable, just don’t do it. Trying to recover from anxiety requires a healthy selfishness; sometimes you need to take it easy on yourself.

14

The thing is, I don’t mind productive exercise like walking (real-world walking, not treadmill walking) or lifting heavy things. With walking, you’re always going somewhere. I’ve even thought about running, but–and here comes the self-sabotage–I’ve seen video of me running and I look really stupid. I’m about 6 feet tall, and have really small feet (9 1/2), but I look very uncoordinated. I used to get teased about it gym class too. I know that I should just do it and forget everyone else, but it’s extremely hard for me to do. I know I’m less self conscious than I was when I was a kid, so maybe I’ll get to a point where I stop caring about what anyone thinks of me.

Sometimes I think I’m the polar opposite of a psychopath: I care too much about societal norms.

15

Must be a British thing, because I was thinking about Eddie Izzard’s bit about it (starting ~30 seconds). :slight_smile:

16

I’m not going to tell you to exercise. Exercise helps with my depression, but I swear to Og it makes me irritable as hell. I always want to fight after a good run. Nobody believes that exercise turns me into an aggressive bitch. So if you’re going to tell me exercise doesn’t help you, I believe you.

You love video games. Me too! Nothing wrong with that. Have you thought about using your love of video games to motivate you to get some work done?

‘‘I must work on my dissertation for 30 minutes and then I can play video games for one hour.’’ Or whatever works for you. Don’t forget to reward yourself for your achievements. If you think 30 minutes is too long, try ten. You’re probably thinking, ‘‘no way I can get anything useful done in 10 minutes,’’ but the reality is once you start working, when you get to that 10 minute mark you’ll think ‘‘this isn’t so bad’’ and keep going. And if you didn’t, oh well, at least you did something.

I also second the suggestion not to pathologize yourself too much. Working on a Ph.D. is a crazy-making thing for many people. Even my husband, who is the most level-headed person I know, has been a little bit crazy lately, and he’s not even to his dissertation phase yet. I am pretty sure at this point he’d qualify for a diagnosis of OCD.

17

I like the idea of working toward a goal, I do. What I’m afraid of is that it won’t be good enough for my advisor. Right now, he is completely oblivious to the internal hell I’ve been going through. He’s a statistician, very logic-oriented, so he’s not likely to pick up on subtle cues that I’m about to lose it. I know him; he’ll never say, “Are you okay?” And why should he? He’s not my dad or my buddy. Why should he care about my mental health?

Which brings me to, I guess, my main question. Do I let him know at all about my feelings? If I had a broken leg or the flu and couldn’t work, I guarantee he would tell me to treat myself well for while (::sigh::…I’ve lied to him about this to avoid meetings before). But if I tell him that I’m mentally losing it, he’d probably say “If you can’t handle this shit, might as well quit. There’s the door.”

I don’t think he can relate (he’s really prolific, even a couple of books to his name). He’s looked at vitas online of various authors in my presence and said, “All those papers this guy has are crap.” “That journal is really low rent, so let’s not target it.” Jesus, to even get IN a fucking journal would be an accomplishment at this point.

18

Can you get some sort short-term medical leave? I was in a state that sounds very familiar, where I couldn’t start writing because I knew that whatever I did would never be enough, and finally I asked my psychiatrist if she thought I could possibly get a medical leave. She looked absolutely shocked that I asked and the paperwork took about ten minutes. There’s no indication that my withdrawal is for mental health reasons (though I chose to talk to my advisor and it turns out she knew quite well what hell I was going through while I had assumed she was oblivious) so for all your advisor might know, you have mono or something.

I was absolutely shocked by the difference that taking time off made. Now, I started taking an antidepressant at the same time, but people have said nicely that I seem like a different person, and I think a large part of it was giving myself permission to take time off.

I’m not saying that that would work for you, especially since I know you’re already seeing a psychiatrist, but I thought I’d offer a different option than how to get back to work. I realized that I was at a point where I had tried every carrot-and-stick system I could think of and they all just made me feel worse about myself, so I would go the other way and not do anything.

Again, good luck with whatever you do.

19

Is he an alien? He’s not an employer selecting the best employee. He’s a teacher. His job is to teach you how to write your dissertations. You can tell him you’re having trouble starting, but in my experience the advice that you’ll get is “just start.”

You’re caught in a circle of anxiety and procrastination. The longer you put off writing your dissertation the more anxious you become, and the more anxious you become, harder it becomes to start writing.

You need to break out of this cycle by starting your dissertation. Find the smallest thing you can do and start by doing that. Can’t write the first paragraph? Write only a sentence. Can’t write any sentences? Then write an outline. Can’t write an outline? Then promise yourself that you will just think about what your outline will be for ten minutes. Just fucking do something.

I know you are very capable of thinking about what you will write for ten minutes. You might think that there is no point in doing so little, but doing very little is always better than doing nothing. Which is what you’re doing now.

Do this first thing in the morning. It might even be necessary to do it before you have breakfast.The point here is to prevent yourself from saying “I’ll just do it later,” which you should know from experience is a lie. If you need coffee, then make some, but that’s it. Then think about your dissertation for ten minutes. After ten minutes are up then you can play video games all day long. If you come up with a paragraph, then that’s what you’ll have to write the next day first thing in the morning.

Like Olives said, the main hurdle is starting. That’s what you have to work on. So even if you start and don’t get much done, you’ll still develop a habit of starting to do something. Once you can start it’s much easier to keep going.

20

No advice, but I just wanted to say that I understand.

Just out of curiosity, do any family members have anxiety? I have it on BOTH sides of my family. I was doomed at conception :slight_smile: