** Cosmopolitan **, from your personal experiences, what is the best way for a person with a disability to address the questions of children – first, when the person with a disability his or herself is a small child? If the ‘disabled child’ is quiet when asked by other children about the disability (e.g. Why can’t you walk?) should the parent give the straightdope and explain or just ignore?) The reaction of the disabled child is usually to remain quiet until the subject changes. If you recall, what were your reactions - on the inside?
This is a fascinating thread for me, because I work at a place that sells specialized healthcare products to people with disabilities (wheelchairs, lifts, incontinence supplies, etc.). I can’t think of any particular questions to ask at the moment, Cosmo, but I know I have a bunch in my head from day to day at work. I’ll be back later when I’ve thought of some.
Oh, I did think of one - the guy in charge of vehicle adaptations is in a wheelchair himself, and I’ve often wanted to ask what kind of help to give someone in a wheelchair. Do I wait for him to ask, or anticipate what help he might need? I don’t want to help too much if he doesn’t want it, but I don’t want to help too little, either.
I used to date a paraplegic (roofing accident), and her physician was dead-set against her having children, even with a fairly low spinal injury (L4-L5, IIRC). Was he just blowing smoke, or is there a real threat? I mean, it’s fairly obvious it wouldn’t be a standard low-risk pregnancy. but she had no major complications aside from her paralysis. Would it really be that life-threatening?
Before I answer questions: Thanks, MEBuckner, for moving the thread. I wasn’t sure whether I ought to’ve placed it in GD or IMHO, so I just kinda picked one and figured the mods’d move it if it needed moving.
And now, on with the floor show.
Originally posted by tigers2B1:
Wow. Many parts to that question. Gotta think…
Okay, lessee… I was always, as I’ve said, a gregarious child. If my peers asked me questions, I’d answer them. I kinda knew that people were just curious. I dunno, however, how other children handled/handle it.
I suppose if I have a disabled child, I’d tell the kid as soon as s/he was capable of understanding that s/he’s just as good as, but a bit different than a lot of other people, and some kids might want to know why, for example, s/he has to use a wheelchair. I’d then ask my kid if, when that happens, they would like to speak for themselves, or whether I should explain for them.
I’d also teach my kid, however, that it’s good to answer people’s honest questions if they can, so that the people can understand how to talk to people in wheelchairs, but if the person was just making fun, they could ignore that person.
Ahhhh… The ever popular “Oh dear… Do I help? If I offer help, I might seem condescending, but if I don’t, I might seem like a callous ass…Oh dear…” question.
Here’s my philosophy: If you think there’s a potential for an accident (a slip-and-fall while transferring to/from the wheelchair, let’s say) or you see someone who looks like they’re having a tough time, offer assistance. A simple, “Do you want a hand with that?” is fine. If the person says that they don’t need assistance, don’t assist them. If you simply ask someone if they need help and they cop an attitude, don’t feel bad - you did nothing wrong.
Wish I could remember where I read this (could be here – I know it was online or in e-mail). Someone was in a big city (New York) and observed the following: A person in a wheelchair obviously contemplating a flight of stairs to the train/subway. Four guys in business attire came striding along, saw the guy very obviously looking for assistance, looked at each other, and without missing a beat each one took a grip on a corner of the chair and hoisted the guy where he need to go. He thanked them and they all went on their way.
Yes, thanks for your response. I know you can’t answer for others but I do like to get personal perspectives whenever the opportunity comes around ---- and the internet tends to make us feel we have that “opportunity” more than other forums.
I think I’m doing what you suggested already. That is, when another child asks in our presence and my child doesn’t respond - I do, in a short, straightforward manner. It’s just that I always feel that I’m doing it against his will. Over time I hope to ‘get wise’ on the entire subject — but by then he’ll be grown-up.
Hm. IANAD, so I dunno how comfortable I am in answering this. Most of my…sexual career was/is spent trying to avoid pregnancy, so I haven’t looked deep into pregnancy issues as yet. I’d have to ask a high-risk pregnancy specialist. I’ll tell you this, though: a couple of women I know who, admittedly, are less severely disabled than I (they use crutches as their main means of ambulation) have sucessfully borne children. Whether that has any meaning for me, I dunno.
And some more questions…
Originally posted by Chekmate:
One at a time…
It depends on the bathroom. Although I know when I need to, I can’t control my bowel or bladder functions. I wear disposable adult diapers and use one-time use catheters (I insert a cathether while on the toilet so that the urine is allowed to flow out freely through the tube.). Getting on and off of the toilet can be tricky. I can’t stand without hanging on to something, so I couldn’t use, for instance, a toilet standing in the middle of a room unless there was a sink or tub to hang onto as I undid my lacy underthings and pivoted my ass from the chair to the can. So yeah, I suppose I’m pretty self-sufficient, bathroom-wise, as long as there’s something for me to bear a little weight and balance on while I get on & off.
2 & 3) I don’t live alone - I live with my parents and sister. I lived in a single in a dorm for a year, but I developed clinical depression problems while there, so I moved back. The depression was possibly exacerbated by living alone, but the cause was more deep-rooted, both issue- and brain chemical-wise.
I’m spoiled. I don’t do much cooking, although I can, technically. Using the back burners on the stove while using the front ones is a no-no, as I’m not high up enough to reach back w/o burning my arm. Getting the stuff in the back of the fridge on the top shelf can be a pain, as can getting anything on a high shelf. Were I living alone, however, things’d be set up differently. The washer & dryer are inaccessible to me, but I did my own laundry while living in the dorm. I can get in & out of the shower by myself - I use a shower chair. And no, I don’t currently have a job. I attend classes 5 days/week and this coming semester I’ll do another 20 hours of observation in a high school towards the 100 that I need to student teach.
I don’t live alone - how d’you think my sex life works? I’ve had a dry spell lately, but when I have a sex life, it works out fine. Some positions are difficult or impossible and I don’t have complete sensation in some areas (like my ass), so my partners and I have experimented. Condoms are currently my BC of choice but I’m allergic to latex - I use Avanti polyurethane condoms (Durex makes 'em).
Not to sound obnoxious, but since I’ve been disabled since Day One, I have no idea if I’m a better person because of my disability, or if it builds character. I think that in some people, it makes them tougher, but the same could be said for any difficult circumstance.
Wanna find out if I can beat you at arm wrestling? When I say I’m diesel, I don’t mean to say that I’m cut or anything. I’m just reasonably powerful.
Brave guy. I wouldn’t let anyone I didn’t implicitly trust just pick my ass up and haul me up a flight of stairs - I’d make the transit cops do it. That’s not to say that I wouldn’t appreciate the sentiment - I totally would. I just wouldn’t want to risk a tumble unless the sole alternative really sucked.
Happened to a friend of mine who uses a motorized chair, actually. She got to Penn Station only to find that the elevator didn’t work. The assembled folk immediately started eyeing her chair and one asked, “How much does that thing weigh?”. She was like, “Thank you, but no. Nonononono. I don’t want to risk that. Nope.”. She got up some other way.
Originally posted by LaurAnge:
Actually, I haven’t, but I’ll Google it.
Originally posted by Tigers2B1:
So bring it up one of these days - ask whether he’d like to speak for himself when stuff like that happens, or whether he’s comfortable with you doing it.
Eventually, though, he’s probably gonna have to be be able to give at least a cursory answer. A lot of that comes with maturity; I dunno how old your kid is.
“Differently-abled” is a crock of s–t. I’m a realist: I’d rather not be referred to as a cripple or a gimp, but I do realize that in this world, I am disabled/handicapped.
“Differently-abled” and “handi-capable” are fluffy terms. If you want people to believe you can handle yourself, do it the best you can - that proves your capability. And, for the record, most disabled people I know (people in their 20’s) think all of the PC terms are a crock. Here’s a secret: I, and many disabled people I know, don’t refer to able-bodied people as such. We refer to them as “normal”.
We’ve got a guy at work in a chair, and I’ve found that he can out-manouevre able-bodied people in certain circumstances (ie. cornering). He can turn that chair on a dime at fairly high speed. It took me a while to get used to this, and we nearly collided a couple of times at first. Do you find you have to either slow down, or otherwise compensate for pedestrians in crowd situations?
My other question is something I’ve long been curious about. Do you consider your wheelchair to be merely a bland appliance, or is there a “chair culture” in which people show off, customise, etc, much like cars or bicycles? Do people in wheelchairs carry on lengthy “in-crowd” conversations about… I dunno… the latest carbon-fibre frames, and the like? Or is the chair much more mundane than that?
Kick ass thread. It’s interesting to hear a woman talk about it.
I spoke a little bit about this in our other thread where we were able to ask questions of a guy with a similar disability: I hate the terms ‘disabled.’ Man, it just make me cringe.
‘Disabled’ makes me cringe but I don’t say anything to people who use the term because it is pretty common and I don’t think most people would find it cringe-worthy. My understanding of it is that there’s nothing disabled about individuals - instead, they are disabled by the fact that accessibility is limited or opportunities are limited. Uh…well, it’s clear I’m an attorney and can get bent about seemingly small things.
Okay, on to a question: I feel like I missed something with the bathroom question. If you can’t control bowel or bladder function but can tell when you need to go, do you then go to a toilet and wait for things to happen? I mean, because I sometimes know I need to go but still need to prompt a little action, if that makes sense.
