To marry or not to marry?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I have been living with my fiancée for about three years now and the other night we were discussing whether we should get married or not. We are both sure that we want to stay with each other, but we were wondering what the pros and cons are.

I am posting this in GQ because I am looking for facts such as the ones I listed below.
marriage pros:

  1. Save money on automobile insurance.

  2. If one of us is dying, the hospital will consider the other as a family member for visitation rights. (Fiancée says it doesn’t matter because it about 10 years we will be considered a common-law marriage in NJ- is this true?)

  3. She gets my last name. :wink:

  4. If I start my own business, I can go on her work insurance policy. ( Fiancée also says I can still do this in NJ if we are considered life partners- is this true?)

marriage cons:

  1. Marriage tax.

  2. Ugly divorce situations possible in the future.

Can you help me expand upon my lists and confirm whether my fiancée’s statements are true or not?

BTW, we are both positive we do not want children.

2

I guess people don’t get married for love and companionship anymore, eh?

3

Well, I’m pretty much anti marriage so here’s what I think…

  1. Being a non religious person, the whole church ceremony, marrying in front of a advocat of god doesn’t appeal to me. If someone is not religious, then the whole ritual in a church is pointless

  2. A city hall marriage is the government’s way of keeping track of you. I don’t know if it’s a bad thing for you or not, but big brother’s going to be watching.

  3. Do you need a piece of paper to prove that you’ll stay together forever? If you do, then I’ll have to question the stability of the relationship.

  4. Right now, marriage is discriminating. Homosexual people cannot marry (except in Vermont) so if it’s really that special and magical, why does it exclude?

  5. All that money for a party? Yep, to spend all that money on ONE party is just nuts.

4

I didn’t know that’s why people got married. Right now I have both of those things without marriage.

7 up yours, I am also a non-religious person, and I agree with what you’ve written, but I want to know how marriage can be to my benifit or to my detriment.

5

Well, the only one I can think of is that if you decide to have children, they’d be legitimate. Then, people can’t call them bastards and the statement is actually true…

6

On 1., what marriage tax are you referring to? I am not an accountant nor am I knowledgeable on IRS code, but it was my uninformed understanding that it’s better for your taxes to be married, file jointly, and in the future get the EIC than to be single. I thought single people get less tax “breaks”.

As far as 2., in life you gotta gamble sometimes. For example, both you and you future spouse have good jobs and want to get a house. Both incomes can cover making the payments on the house. You can’t make a decision on whether to buy or not based on whether you or your spouse will unemployed in two or five or ten years from now. Then you would never have that home because you never know. Still, if you are worried about divorce, how about drawing up a prenuptial agreement.

XicanoreX

7

There is no factual answer to the question “to marry or nto to marry”. This is a poll.

Off to IMHO.

DrMatrix - GQ Moderator

8

DrMatrix, I am not taking a poll. I don’t care how many people think I should or shouldn’t get married. I am asking for facts such as the one listed in the OP.

9

What if one of you is dying in 5 years?

You may want to read “The case for marriage,” by I forget who and don’t have time to look it up just now, for a whole busload of research and information on this topic.

10

IMHO, marriage should not be entered into if divorce is considered a future possibility. Marriage, like vasectomy, should be considered irreversible (while similarly not being compulsory).

Sure, some people need divorces, just like some people need vasectomy reversals, but to be mentally exploring the possibility of divorce before the onset of marriage is (to me) a sign that marriage isn’t something you’re ready for.

11

The reason that I listed divorce as con of marriage, is because I knew someone else would list it if I didn’t. It’s not something I’m worried about.

12

X-ray, marriage is such a private and individual thing. Although marriage is something beloved and expected by many, it’s not for everyone. I’ve been with my partner for over 25 years and I’ve never wanted to get married or have children. That was my personal choice, but different strokes for different folks. It’s a matter of whether you feel comfortable and fulfilled just the way you two are. A healthy relationship involves two people that love, respect, understand and cherish one another, and whether they’re married or not doesn’t come into the equation for me. I admit I’ve never quite understood why some people think marriage will make things more complete or make them feel more secure in their relationship. I’m not anti-marriage in the sense that I talk people out of it. Most of my friends are married, but it’s just something I don’t believe in for me…mainly because I don’t understand the ritual of doing it at all.
I had a friend spend around $50,000 on a wedding while her and her hubby struggled to save a deposit for a house. I couldn’t help but think the $50,000 that their wedding cost would have made a good deposit for their home.

13

This is muddled, but here goes:

First, there are two different issues here: weddings and marriage. The two have precious little to do with each other. IMHO, the marriage issue is the important one: you don’t have to have a wedding to be married, but getting married so that you can have a wedding is a bad idea.

That said, for me it was a matter of how I wanted to present my relationship to the outside world. People percieve your relationship differently if you are married, and that how it should be–when you marry, you say “this person is my family now”, which unlocks a completly different set of social standards than “this person is my friend.” I know people who refer to long standing super close friends as “my sister” or “my brother” even when that is not, biologically speaking, strictly true: it’s a way of announcing, in a non-threatening, non-insulting way where your priorities are. I expect my friends to put their families ahead of me. I would be insulted if they put their other friends ahead of me.

There is nothing unreasonable or unfair in this. When I was living with my now-husband, he wasn’t my family, he was my friend and lover. If, at that point, he had wanted to go off to grad school, I wouldn’t have gone with him: if I had gotten an exciting job offer in another town, I would have decided what I wanted to do and then asked him what he wanted to do as a reaction to my choice. People treated both of us as if we were friends and lovers, and that was NOT disrespecting the “realness” of our relationship. That’s what are relationship was at htat point in time ,and if it had died then it still would have had value and worth. We formally married when I realized that that we weren’t friends and lovers anymore–he was family now ,and any big decisions would be made jointly. Marriage was a public affirmation of a transition that had already happened so that everyone around us would understand the nature of our relationship.

So as far as I am concerned, the marriage starts whenever both people make that transition from treating each other as friends to treating each other as family. As far as formally recognizing that transition, that’s a private choice. I find it makes things easier: If you talk about your “boyfriend” or “girlfriend”, people treat that relationship as less important, as a relationship that is on par with your other friendships but not anything like as important in your life as the relationship with your family. I have found that, despite anyone’s best efforts, the way outsiders treat a relationship does effect the tone of that relationship, and it was simpler, overall, to formalize it. But I don’t think it is a super critical thing: the actual timing of my own formalization ceremony had mostly to do with me needing insurance, frankly. Though I would have gotten around to it eventually otherwise.

14

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free, right? :dubious:

Seriously, trying to answer some of your factual questions:

Some NJ employers will let you cover another adult in your household in lieu of a spouse. I don’t believe it’s required. If your SO’s company does offer this, there is no assurance that it would be portable if she changed jobs. The company I work for just started offering this option last year, and there are definite specific limitations on who you can include. It also will not cover both a non-spouse AND children, which is something to keep in mind even though you don’t plan on reproducing.

Regarding 7up’s comments: I don’t think the gov’mnt “keeps track of you” any more if you’re married than if you’re single.

The “It’s just a piece of paper” line has been used forever. Many people, especially women, have come to regret having bought into it. A split-up of two unmarried people can be just as devastating and complex as a divorce. If you have any property that belongs to both of you, it could be a mess (or not) depending on other things besides the “piece of paper,” but the piece of paper could keep one of you from getting screwed over. If one of you found someone younger, healthier, richer, or more attractive, then without that “piece of paper” s/he could simply walk away and the other would be up the well-known creek. Don’t think it hasn’t happened.

I am in NJ, but am not a lawyer; I am not sure of the whole common-law question, but I doubt if you get the full legal benefit of a marriage. Inheritance is much easier for a surviving spouse, and I believe there may be federal tax issues in that situation as well. If you go the non-marriage route, be sure both of you have a will. And check the other issues out with a real attorney.

In addition to the “visiting rights if you’re dying” issue, a legal spouse will be given more consideration in general from a hospital for other next-of-kin issues. If an issue of appropriate medical care when you can’t give consent for yourself arises, for example, a hospital might defer to a parent instead of a roommate. Whether this matters depends, of course on your specific family situation. If you decide to go the non-marriage route, be sure both of you have a durable power of attorney for health care and an advance health care directive (“living will”).

The whole religious ceremony question, IMHO is a non-issue. If neither party wants that part, civil ceremonies can be as simple or involved as you wish. Ditto with the expensive and lavish reception. Some people forego these entirely, others enjoy a simple get-together with select friends and family to celebrate the occasion. The case previously mentioned of spending beyond one’s means is a separate issue.

More of an issue, again IMHO, are some of the emotional implications. Is one or the other of you afraid of commitment, or just not sure s/he wants to commit to this particular person for the long haul? Do both of you feel that this is a person that you want to stay with for the rest of your life, or just until someone better comes along? Does the idea of growing old together make you both happy? Sone people do get a nice warm feeling out of knowing that their partner was willing – even anxious – to stand up in public and tell the world they loved them, and to promise all that silly sentimental stuff.

These days there is not the “living in sin” stigma that once existed, which I agree is good. There may be some parts of the country where it is an issue. I know of a married couple in which the wife kept her birth name, and they used to carry their marriage certificate with them after some hotels and motels in conservative parts of the country didn’t want to rent a room to them. Really! :rolleyes:

15

New Jersey does not recognize common law marriage, regardless of how long you’ve been living together. In your situation, even if NJ recognized it, you two wouldn’t be considered CL married and here’s why:

There are 4 things required to be considered CL married in states that recognize it:

  1. You must hold yourselves out to the community as married. (Filing joint income taxes would be a good start. Also her taking your last name would be another way – which she can do without marrying you, by the way. Another way you can hold yourselves out as a married couple is by referring to each other as husband and wife “this is my wife, etc.”)

  2. You must INTEND to be married.

  3. You must have lived together for a significant amount of time. (Varies from state to state.)

  4. You must live together. None of this separate apartments stuff.

So thereya go. If you want the fiance to enjoy the legal benefits of being married, you’re gonna hafta tie the knot if you plan on staying in Jersey forever.

16

I’m leaving this in IMHO because one persons pro could very well be another persons con.

17

My wife and I are avowed atheists, and our solution was to skip the church wedding, and just go for the marriage.

As if they aren’t watching already… :wink:

I see marriage not as having a “piece of paper to prove you’ll stay together,” but more like a “piece of paper to make it easier to go through society/government/whatever as a couple.” The simple truth is that a lot of government and business laws work on whether you’re a single individual or a married couple; the idea of living together out of wedlock and then butting heads with bureaucrats for the next fifty years to get the same benefits as a married couple seems sadomasochistic.

I support same-sex marriage laws. What’s that got to do with anything?

Elope. :wink:

18

In the state of TX, living with someone for an extended period of time, especially if you DO have a child, makes you a married couple.

My boss was extremely shocked and surprised when he had to divorce his old girlfriend to marry his (now) wife.

You need to be very conscience of the laws in the state where you live, as well as any state you might move to in the future.

~J

19

How archaic.

As a bastard from the time when it was still a major stigma, let me respond by blaring Love Child by the Supremes as I shake it like a Waring™ blender.

Woo!
:smiley: :stuck_out_tongue: :smiley:

20

IMHO, none of these are the right reasons to marry, and the fact that you asked this question strikes me as a question someone would ask if that person was not ready to get married. The fact that you even question it means that you should not get married just yet.