To my coworkers (reminders about bathroom behavior)

The BBQ Pit
1

While I understand that your week-long absence over Christmas resulted in you forgetting all reasonable standards of behavior, I’d expected that being back for a couple of months now would have been sufficient to re-learn them. Apparently this is not the case, however, so here are a few notes that you may wish to review:

Please wash your hands when you’re done. And no, the fact that you’re wearing a suit does not automatically confer some sort of anti-germ field upon you.

When you’re done washing your hands, please turn the water off.

When drying your hands, please try not to dump the paper towels into the sink.

If you feel you must wipe after urinating, please don’t use a paper towel and then drop it into the urinal. There’s rolls of special paper in the stalls, in case you hadn’t noticed.

Please flush the toilet when you’re done. I’d really rather not enter the stall only to be greeted by the sight of R’lyeh rising from the waters.

Please try not to piss on the floor. Or the toilet seat. If you must piss on the toilet seat, please wipe it down when you’re done.

Please don’t masturbate.

If you must masturbate, please try not to make those loud “unh unh unh” noises.

Please don’t whistle that song from Jeopardy while standing at the urinal. I realize that this is a competitive environment, but that’s going a bit overboard.

Look at it this way: The ass gasket isn’t to prevent me from picking up germs from the toilet seat; it’s to prevent you from leaving them. You may not have a problem plunking your ass down on an unprotected toilet seat, but I’d prefer it if you didn’t leave the seat decorated in desert camouflage patterns.

There’s really no need for you to tear off a long strip of toilet paper and use it to block the little gap between the stall door and the wall. Trust me, we know that you’ve got your pants down around your ankles in there. And considering the physique of the average person around here (this is a software company, after all), the likelihood that anyone is going to want to look at you is pretty low.

Please don’t talk on your cell phone.

Please don’t bring your beverage into the stall with you. If you must bring it into the stall, please don’t leave the half-empty can sitting on the toilet paper dispenser.

2

It sounds like the people I used to work with.

3

Hehehehe…I love it!

4

Ummm… do you actually, honest to God, have guys spanking their purple monkey in the rest room at your job?

5

There was one guy who would do that during work hours, yeah. He’s no longer around, though.

6

Eww, eww, eww!

Is this a guy thing? I mean, I’ve seen some pretty foul women’s rooms out there (sometimes the ladies can’t seem to hit the bowl, either - comes with squatting, I suppose), but this sounds ridiculous.

Just makes me glad I’m not a dude. It sounds like your coworkers need some serious potty training.

7

When I’m taking a dump and there are multiple stalls, don’t prance into the adjacent one, but take the farthest available one from all other occupied stalls. We’re not trying to make a black hole of stink, so let’s try to spread out a bit, shall we?

I don’t have a problem with people who put up the long strip of TP to obscure the crack in the door. It’s a result of poor design.

8

I’ve never heard of this–special urinal towels??? :confused:

9

Kraft Spirals and Cheese hurt when they come out your nose, you know.

10

Hunter Hawk said that the paper is found in the stalls … it’s the same toilet paper people use to wipe their ass (or whatever they want to use it for), but people can bring it with them instead of using paper towels.

11

Guys used to do it all the time at my university.

12

It happens all the time at my place of employment. :o

And, what is it about people with three sigma IQs that they can’t perform the simple trained-monkey task of pulling the damn urinal handle? Better than half the time I walk into the restroom, all of the urinals look like they’re filled with Miller Genuine Draft.

Eeggh! I really need to get out of this place/field/career, and into something more ethical and sanitary…like garbage disposal.

Stranger

13

Apparently, it’s the done thing these days:

Who knew?

Of course, wanking in the mens’ at work never ruined anybody’s professional life, right? :dubious:

14

Larry, the one and only time I’ve done that at work was indeed to relieve a situation similar to your quote.

15

I’m never going to be able to look my male co-workers in the eye again, and neither will any of my female co-workers once I share this with them. Lo, for I am evil. One question, though: How do you not get jizzm-up on your pants?

16

jizm-up? :confused:

I figure I’ll get the obvious joke out of the way.

Is that some kind of ill-inspired brand name for a new flavor of soda-pop? :smiley:

17

Well, it’s jizz. And it goes up. Usually. Unless you’re pointing your peepee down, and even then it could bounce off a surface and…

Hell, never mind. You design the labels and I’ll try to come up with a jingle.

18

It gets better: Let’s say that by some miracle of aiming, all of the jizzm-up is deposited neatly in the toilet bowl. The thing is, the toilets in the workplace aren’t yer standard home models; they’re the heavy-duty kind with the “pressure assist” flushing mechanism. And you know what that means: Industrial-Strength Toilet Plume.

The remainder of this visualization is left as an exercise for the reader.

19

Why bother with a jingle? We’ve got a ready-made slogan!

[Orlando Jones]
Make…
[/OJ]

I couldn’t bring myself to write the rest.