I have a similar situation that’ll hit the fan one day. My older sister was a mooch on our mom her whole life, that is, up until mom started showing signs of Alzheimer’s and eventually died. My sister was a food addict (that is, very overweight) and a heavy smoker, and now she’s diabetic. Although she finally found a steady job with insurance after a lifetime of underemployment, it’s only a matter of time until she latches onto me as the only steady earner of any real money in the family. However, I have my aging husband and myself to look after first and will always be suspicious that she’s just trying to play the mooch as opposed to actually having a real need. My brother’s not getting any younger, either. Neither is married nor has children.
It also doesn’t sound like anyone is complaining to the uncle or taking him to task. I think the complaining is being done here, where it belongs.
Pillow + face = problem solved.
You go, Peter!
-Joe
It was awfully nice of Hero from Sector 7G to offer to help out your uncle like that.
You got it, of course. No, I’m not going to turn my back on my disabled uncle. I love him. I am just so very, very tired and frustrated and angry. This whole thing was so damned…inevitable. We’ve known for years that he was a fuck-up. We’ve known for years that he was going to be unable to care for himself one day. At least he was always healthy, and there was a smidge of a chance that he might actually be able to make something…some money, some plans, some arrangements for his future.
Now, of course, all that’s gone, and somebody (most likely us) will have to take the hit.
Don’t be a screw-up, people. Take responsibility for your own crap. Believe me when I tell you that the impact of your actions does not stop at you.
Believe me, I sympathize, and I honor the fact that you still love the fuck-up and still want to be able to help him.
At the risk of sounding like I agree with 7G, though, which I don’t, I have to wonder a little bit: didn’t any member of the family who isn’t a fuck-up consider planning for this future when they saw it coming down the pike lo those many years ago? Did anybody consider, say, withholding some money from Uncle’s mooching allowance and buying some long-term care insurance for him? If he’s in his early seventies now, this pattern must have been going on for at least several decades; even a fairly small sum put in a money market account thirty years ago could be a useful provision to have now.
I have no idea what the planning and budgetary possibilities for something like that would have been like in your family, so apologies if the suggestion is out of line. But this is something I think about from time to time, having a beloved relative of my own who requires some family support (not because he’s an incompetent deadbeat, I’m glad to say, but due to disability issues). When you’ve got somebody who just can’t or won’t plan for the future, either you’ve got to plan a little bit for them, or you’re apt to hit catastrophe further down the line.
I think that might have been a wonderful idea, had anyone thought of it at the time. I frankly don’t know if my parents could have afforded it. During that period of time, my parents took in both my maternal grandmother and my paternal grandfather, and cared for them until the end of their lives. That cost them a lot of money. Shortly after that, my mother developed severe diabetes, and during the ensuing 15 years, died slowly. She had a series of debilitating strokes, etc. I don’t believe my dad has a whole lot of money left after all that.
LTC insurance is pretty expensive. Its a relatively new insurance offering as well. For a 50 year old in good health is generally over $1500 a year. I’m not sure I’d be financing the off chance that my deadbeat sister ends up in a nursing home to the tune of $1500 a year for 20 years - $30k. She can get taken care of by Medicare. I’m heartless like that, but I have two kids to get through college. It also doesn’t sound like it would be likely to be kicking in now anyway.
http://www.consumerreports.org/cro/money/insurance/longterm-care-insurance-1103/overview/
It sounds like you’ve done all you can and then some. Fret no more…you’re tapped out. You need to concentrate on taking care of your new baby.
He’s done squat with the help your family gave him. In fact, it wasn’t help. You were enabling him.
You can’t fix stupid.
Ogre. I very much sympathize. I’m going through this now with an uncle I truly love, he was my hero as a kid, and, a great musician. But, now, he’s hitting 60, with health problems, with no resources. All the other sibs have managed to make a decent living and save some money, raise families, and have a bit for their own old age. But, Dear Uncle, nope, not happening, and as you say, it’s been one failed plan after another. The most :eek: part is the fact that no amount of rational “Well, how about this to make a living???”, even when living rent free at his sister’s house, is just not good enough, plus, well, there’s the health problems.
It goes round and round like that, and, I love him dearly, but there seems to be a disconnect with at least trying to contribute. Frustrating, and I really sympathize…my uncle is on the tarmac to the same situation your uncle is.
Don’t ask me. I already lent all my spare change to my ex girlfriend once-removed, and now her cat has a problem that she can’t afford to deal with, and neither can I. Why o why do I stay friends with these exes??? How dumb a move was that? :smack: $500 I’ll never see again…
Its not staying friends with ex’s - or being friends with anyone. Its “loaning” money to friends. Don’t loan any money you don’t care if you ever see it back again. Consider it a gift. And don’t give people money if you don’t want to and/or can’t afford to.
What exactly is a sibling supposed to do when another sibling won’t or can’t take care of himself? Two of my brothers are living with/off of my mother, who just turned 80. They are the two youngest of her children and are in their 40s. The “boys” (yes, Mom refers to them as “the boys”) do not pay rent or contribute to household expenses. Although both have bachelor’s degrees, one works only sporadically (low level minimum wage seasonal stuff) and the other has not held any kind of job for fifteen years. All three live off my mom’s social security. Guess what… they aren’t making it. We send money to my mom when we can afford to, to help her out. I refuse to discuss their situation with her anymore. She used to complain the roof needs fixed, the computer is broken, etc. etc. but she would get mad when I said “tell the boys to get jobs and fix the roof and buy you a new computer.” The youngest actually told her that she should “get her children to help her out more.” She had to remind him that he was one of her children. It did not motivate him to get a job.
When my mom eventually dies, Mastercard is going to take her house. Where are these two mooches going to go? Not my house. Not a chance. What money do you suggest I use to buy long-term insurance for my brothers?
Ogre, I am sorry your uncle put you and your family in this untenable position. The fact that it’s such an unnecessary expense is telling. He knows his audience. The best answer, in my humble opinion, is to support him emotionally, let him know you’re there for him, but no more cash: “Sorry, Uncle. The gravy train has left the station.”
This is a situation that I am afraid is coming down the pike in my family, too. My real mother, whom I don’t live with and don’t call mother, has been mooching off my aunt all her life. Everytime she comes back with hand extended and every time Aunt gives her money, whatever she needs. And every time when she is somewhat settled she runs off, leaving my aunt poorer.
This is my aunt’s fault as much as my mother’s. All this despite the fact that my mother is a nurse! But she now has two sons, my half-brothers, who have never worked a day in their lives and had mediocre grades in school and cannot support themselves. One day my mother will die. One day these boys will come to my door asking for handouts.
They won’t get any from me. I am being prudent, and saving my money, and paying for my own health insurance, and looking to buy a car and a home one day. Nothing fancy - a car around $10K and a house that’s fairly cheap. I don’t have spare money to give to the mooches in the family. I won’t babysit them either and make long-term plans for them. I did not have kids partly so I wouldn’t have that worry - I won’t take on responsibility for someone who has never given me an iota of love or caring, and, in my case, disapproves of my lifestyle anyway!
Ogre shouldn’t have to either…not that easy just to cut off your parent’s debts though.
Apologizes in advance, but I’m a little curious about what chess openings a guy like your uncle favors.
While I’m guessing the odds of your uncle having life insurance or any significant death benefits are slim to none, just on the long shot odds that he does he could use a viatical company (like this one- there are many others) as an option.
My own brother moved back in with my Mom after a bad marriage and 6 years of unemployment, during which time he developed a drinking problem and aquired a criminal record, mostly for shoplifting and burglary. This was 3 years ago. My brother is not an asshole, he’s a very sweet very very sad man which is why he is able to get away with this.
My Mom is 83 and is living on Social Security with a little extra income from private tutoring. She just doesn’t have the money to support my brother. And it’s not just his food, gas and lodging, she is actively helping him avoid work.
I had some hope a few months ago when a family court judge ordered him to pay child support for his teenaged daughter…Mom told me the judge said he had to prove he was looking for work and if he couldn’t find work he could go to a place where he could work for the city doing manual labor to pay off his child support. I thought great, now he will get off his ass and do something and maybe it will stick.
Then Mom told me she decided to liquidate some investments in order to pay his child support for him so he wouldn’t have to work. She thinks he should qualify for disability and doesn’t want any sort of work history to screw up his disability claim, which has been rejected twice.
She is unclear about the nature of this alleged disability…when I ask she says “his knees are so bad he has trouble climbing the stairs”…maybe true but it’s the result of sitting in front of the TV all day every day for 3 years stuffing his face with junk food that she paid for, he’s gained 100 pounds… or “he’s not mentally capable, last week I asked him to calculate the gas mileage of the car and he couldn’t figure it out”…OK, he’s not the brightest bulb in the chandelier but I am thinking something a little more blue collar…anyway he was smart enough to plan a museum heist that caused him a lot of trouble and cost me ( not him ) a boatload of money.
Anyway, if I press her too hard on the disability thing she just starts crying and that shuts me up.
Last week she decided to liquidate more stuff to pay for his divorce, after dropping heavy hints to me that I no longer take, having dumped over 10K into this family situation in the past year and a half. And his son is living with my Mom, too…although he has a trust fund that is paying her a little room and board because he is taking classes 6 hours a week- not enough to cover is expenses though. And the son isn’t working either and I’m seeing the “I’m not going to work if Daddy doesn’t have to” glint in his eye whenever the subject comes up.
And it is actually a big mentionable deal on the rare occasions whenever one of them washes a dish or cooks a meal.
Oh, and did I mention that the estranged wife is a bigger mess than he is? She is a hoarder and let her house fall into disrepair until the city declared the place unfit for human habitation and kicked her and my 12 year old niece out. They were camping in the yard for about a month until I alerted a close friend of mine who happens to be my niece’s JHS teacher, now my niece is staying with my friend (who is a saint) pretty much full time. Of course my enabling Mom is shielding my brother from any sense of obligation or responsibilty that he should have towards his kids.
Anyway, it felt good to vent and to know that I’m not alone.Thanks
I think odds are if you have family or friends, you have one of these. Sometimes its pretty minor (the adult kid who sponges $100 here or there ever few months, the sibling who never reaches for the check) or its temporary (my sister’s situation is steadily improving). Sometimes the person isn’t really close enough for you to be anything other than a bit player in the drama. Sometimes the person in question isn’t even a mooch - but someone dependent that you have responsibility for - and even though you accept it willingly, some days are just hard and you want to yell ITS NOT FAIR. But you aren’t alone.
Fine, but then you’re not in a comparable position to Ogre’s (or mine, for that matter). You have made a decision (and a perfectly justifiable one, IMHO) that you’re not responsible for providing in any way for these mooching relatives, and you don’t intend to. I don’t have a problem with that at all, and I’m not trying to suggest that you should do differently.
However, it sounds as though Ogre isn’t making the same decision as you. What Ogre seems to be saying is that even though he’s (justifiably) very exasperated with his beloved uncle’s irresponsibility and selfishness, he hasn’t ruled out the possibility of continuing to help him:
My point is merely this: IF you expect to be indefinitely providing some kind of financial assistance to a relative who can’t/won’t get by without help (and I am NOT claiming that it’s anybody’s duty to do so or that they ought to feel guilty for not doing so), then it makes a lot of sense to do some long-range planning for it.