Hi, no, I wasn’t very busy at work today when you called. Not busy at all, just trying to determine what to include in my brief to the (insert state here) Supreme Court…not a big deal 'cause I do that allll the time–really. Sure, I would love for you to show someone my apartment today at 1:00. No problem. I’ve been working until 11:00 every night, but I have CERTAINLY had time to clean and scrub my apartment.
Try not to notice the fact that there is an electrical hazard you have refused to fix in the bathroom. Also, please do not pay any attention to the closet doors that came off their hinges 6 months ago. I’m sure you’ll fix them when I leave.
I’m glad that you’re showing the apartment when all of the other residents are at work. That way, the potential resident won’t realize that you can actually hear your neighbors sneeze. You sure fooled me that way, didn’t you? Don’t forget to tell the potential resident that you will cite him/her if they put his/her trash out an hour too early–where the FUCK is this? PARK AVENUE?
So, when you open my door and notice the drifts of white kitty fur scooting across the floor like mini tumbleweeds, the stench coming from the garbage disposal you refuse to fix–mmm mmm smells like post-mexican-food turds wrapped in rotten eggs and sprinkled with garlic–a culinary dream, the purple dildo/vibrator with the “beaver tongue branch” lying on my bed next to my collection of Penthouse letters please know that I am at work smiling and chuckling gleefully. Let’s see if you can talk another resident into renting 800 square feet for $1000 a month. I am sure that said potential resident will want to snap my place right up! Thank you again for giving me a one hour notice you were going to show the apartment–enjoy the fruits of your labor :p.
PS I fed my cat lettuce last night so I hope you step in the 2 inch long vomit pile that I know she so neatly laid out right by the front door.
Now HERE is a newbie with such promise. I love her already.
This:
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the purple dildo/vibrator with the “beaver tongue branch” lying on my bed next to my collection of Penthouse letters please know that I am at work smiling and chuckling gleefully
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…is seriously hilarious. That is a kick ass letter and I think you should print it out and give it to him. I also hope to God he found the vibrator.
Classic Pit post. To the point, dripping with sarcasm, and includes an obscure vibrator reference (including color). I’m gonna give it a 10.0
Hmmmm… what state do you live in? I ask because, in the state the I live in, you can refuse your landlord permission to enter your apartment unless he gives you a reasonable (at least 24 hour, I believe) advance notice. Ya shoulda just told him “no.”
I recommend that next time you insist on more advance notice. I also recommend that next time you leave the purple dildo/vibrator with the “beaver tongue branch” lying on your bed and switched to the “on” position. That’d learn him.
Good rant! The only reason I don’t give it a 10 is that you implied that you made your kitty sick on purpose. I like cats too much, I guess.
A couple years ago I found myself with a landlord who would actually drop in with visitors, unanounced(sp?). When I’d tell her that she had to give me 24 hours notice, she said: “Well, then I warn you in advance that there will be visits from 5PM to 9PM every day until the appartment is rented.” At that point, I changed the deadbolt on the door, so she couldn’t go in when I wasn’t there, and stopped caring about her altogether. If she wanted to have people visit the appartment and it was a mess, so be it. If she wanted to have the appartment visited and I wasn’t there, too bad. I’d get angry messages on my answering machine, but I just erased them without listening to them once I recognised her number. I found a new appartment within a week, signed the lease and payed the first month. It took the landlord three weeks to rent my appartment. Sometimes I was leaving the building and I’d come across people who were asking about the appartment (there was a sign in front of the building) and I told them the truth. If they wanted to rent an appartment where the only way to get anything done is to go to ‘régie du logement’ (sorry, I can’t remember the name in english), this was the place. All of them would turn back. But the point I’m getting at is that I did all that with a smile. I had tons of fun doing this. Maybe you could try something along these lines. Just so it’s more fun for you.
BTW, you might want to check the laws where you live before you try something like changing your locks. Where I live, it’s not legal, but it is also illegal for the landlord to enter your appartment when you are not there unless they have your permission or there is a clear and present necessity (ie: water is overflowing and falling in your floor/the downstairs neighbor’s ceiling.) so there was nothing she could do.
Thanks for the advice. I already got into a little tiff with the landlord re entering my apartment to show it, but unfortunately, it’s in my lovely standard lease form. Little Miss Lawyer forgot about it when she signed the friggin lease.
Regarding the notice, I bet I could find some way to get them if I looked at the landlord tenant stuff, but I’d rather just have them die of shame when showing my apartment. I’d have to invest in batteries, but I think I might start leaving “it” on while I’m away–it even has a rotating head–it’s name is “Leroy”.
K.os–I promise I would never get the cat sick on purpose. She has a passionate fondness for lettuce, broccoli and grapefruit juice. I told the vet that the lettuce made her leave vomit trails and vet said–in a Dr. Hibbert-type-voice: Well, that’s just what cats do…
So, every week she gets a bowl of field greens and I usually get to step on a cold, wet, squishy pile of kitty vomit in the middle of the night. It’s a good trade off…
Ok, I was a bit worried there, but since the cat does it herself, I guess she knows what she wants. One of my cats once ate an incense stick. Strange things our pets do… :eek:
Well, I’m Mr. Not-A-Lawyer-At-All, but I thought that (at least in Michigan where I am) the landlord is legally required to give you a 24-hour notice. Having a clause in the lease stating otherwise doesn’t absolve the landlord from following the law, in the same way that including a clause in the lease allowing your landlord to murder you in your sleep doesn’t give him the legal right to do so. In fact, I’m positive that there’s a particular paragraph in Michigan’s landlord-tenant law stating that any illegal clauses in the lease are unenforcable (in the proper legalese, of course). I’m less sure if that necessarily covers the 24-hour warning, and of course I have no idea what the laws in your state are. Still, it seems like the same principle might apply, no?
If I sounded like a lawyer-know-it-all forgive me. Please. I was actually laughing at myself because you would think of all of the types of people in the world–a lawyer should carefully read her own damn lease. Shit, I couldn’t lawyer myself out of a wet paper bag… But seriously, I bet you are right and I could fuck with him some more, but that requires looking up landlord tenant stuff–and right now I could happily give up the practice of law. Hmm…I bet they call it practicing law because no one ever gets it right. Really–thanks. And I swear I am actually a rather humble-type person…unless I am talking about SEX
I’m starting a collection of batteries to send to BBJ. We need to help her keep “Leroy” going.
(Pro Cells, Energizer, and DuraCells perfered.)
Welcome to the SDMB. If this is your starting point, I know that it is going to be fun to read your future posts when you finally do get some “seasoning.”
BTW, I’m the Reverend Edge, my flock includes pickpockets, panhandlers, peeping toms, porn stars and other assorted ilk starting with the letter P.
When I moved out of an apartment that had cockroaches and caused me to do the inordinate amount of cleaning that is required to move out and not take any of the little buggers with you, I left a roach trap with a nice little roach in it on the ashtray by the elevator, so everyone coming to view the apartment would get to see what I trapped in my apartment.
(I know you all have cockroaches that carry cars away in the night, but they are extremely rare here in Calgary; we don’t take kindly to them at all.:))
I give your rant a 10 because it was good and to the point. Also because you own a purple vibrator with the “beaver tongue branch” with a rotating head and you named it Leroy. And because you told us about it.
I have a blue one with a light in the tip but it doesn’t have all the fancy features. I call it Bob (battery operated boyfriend). Was that my out-loud typing ? :o
Ohhhh; I missed the “rotating head” part. Say, that gives me an idea. Maybe you could tape a little rubber nubbin on one side of the rotating head (or is that what a beaver tongue branch is? I can’t keep track of this terminology.). That way, if you laid Leroy down and turned him on, the little nubbin would push against the bed (or floor, or table or whatever) and gradually scootch him around in a circle. I recommend you leave him on the floor near the front door. I can envision it already:
Landlord: Let me show you our finest 800 square foot apartment. Note the convenient access to the front door. Prospective Tenant: Very nice. Landlord: The apartment’s a bit of a mess now, but it’ll be spic-and-span when you move in. (unlocks door) Now, the floor in the foyer here… Leroy: BZZZZthumpZZZZZthumpZZZZthumpZZZZthump (crawls forward). Landlord: …is, uh, quality, uh, hardwood. Straight grain. No crotch wood. With, uh, beaver tongue branch. Purple. Prospective Tenant: Is that included in the monthly rent?