I wrote him a letter telling him exactly how I felt, and how his behavior made me feel. I told him that I wanted to have a relationship with him, but that if he acted bad, I would first warn him and leave the room. If he kept up, I would leave the house, and then finally if he did it again, I would change my flight and leave the city entirely.
I never had to enforce it. He stopped. He’s had his moments since then, but when he does something shitty, I just tell him calmly and matter-of-factly that what he is doing is not okay or unacceptable. I don’t fight about it, I don’t respond to it, but he knows that I “see” him and I acknowledge it.
I swear to god, he is a different man to me now.
I don’t think this has to be a big confrontation. But if I were you (and I’m not) I would at the very least let her know as they happen that her comments are unacceptable in a matter-of-fact way and just walk away. It’s amazing how when you stand up to a bully in a mature, self-respecting way they almost always go pouf.
I strongly agree with this as a general rule, but family dynamics are sometimes complicated enough that it really isn’t worth it. LifeOnWry knows her family, and knows what battles can be won.
A similar situation recently occurred, as my mother-in-law just spent nine days with us for Thanksgiving. She is retired, owns her own house, goes on several trips a year. She doesn’t have a lot of money, but she seems comfortable. However, she knows that Mrs. Giraffe and I make more than she does/did and seems to have decided that we are wealthy and vulgar. Now, seeing as how we rent a small house in a very expensive part of the country, I’m not sure where she got this impression. We don’t drive expensive cars, wear flashy jewelry or light cigars with hundred dollar bills. Yet I can’t count the number of times she asked us over the past nine days how much various things we have cost, often followed with an exclamation of how expensive that is for a whatever it was.
Case in point: my wife has two nice glass vases she bought from a glass studio on the coast. They were $150 and $200, respectively, and a treat she bought herself with a bonus she got at work. Hardly lavish, in my opinion, especially when Mrs. Giraffe hardly ever spends money on herself. Yet, upon finding out how much they cost, the mother-in-law goes on and on about she couldn’t imagine owning such expensive vases, and how worried she’d be that they’d break. Now this is a woman who owns literally hundreds of those Longaberger baskets (which cost $100-$200 a pop) – she’s not poor. She owns nice things. I can’t figure out what her deal is – I’m fairly sure it’s what I said at the beginning: she’s already decided we’re wealthy and vulgar and is just looking for evidence to back it up.
Even worse was the fact that we decided to buy her a similar vase for Christmas. We took her to the studio to pick one out while she was here and were subjected to lengthy remarking about how expensive each vase was and how she couldn’t possibly own something so expensive. Who acts like this over a $150 gift?
Whew, I needed to vent. What thread is this, anyway? Oh yeah, my point is that this is a case where family dynamics take precedence over my desire to shout at my mother-in-law. Mrs. Giraffe, who has years of experience fighting with her mother, knows what’s worth fighting and what’s worth ignoring. For her, I’ll squelch my irritation and let it go.
Feel free, Giraffe, you’re more than welcome to use this thread. We can unofficially rename it the “Relatives You’re Justifiably Pissed At But Whom You Won’t Bother To Confront Because That’s An Even Bigger Hassle” thread.
You’re right too, about knowing what battles can be won, or are worth fighting about. My instincts - every one of them - tell me I oughta haul off and knock my sister on her ass, and not only on my behalf. She doesn’t really deserve it just for being snide to me (that’s the petty part) but a good ass-whuppin’ would do her a world of good in general anyway. And it would certainly ease my frustration. But, I have nieces, nephews, Mom, brothers, and so on, none of whom have ever been neutral about anything. Many would be inclined to “take my side” but just thinking about the aggravation that could start there and go on for eons - shudder.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to imply that it would be simple. Or that anyone else knows your family better than you do.
Actually, since we’re divulging, I’m struggling with my father right now, and I can’t stand my MIL. She’s a lost cause, but my dad shouldn’t be. I wish I could put my finger on it, because once I did I would bring it out into the light of day and confront it head-on. Maybe then we could have a relationship. The more I think about my problems with his behavior, the more I learn about myself and my own issues. When I have a problem with someone else, it always turns out that I’m also struggling with myself - is that true for anyone else?
I hear what you’re saying about things that simply cannot be approached, though. It is a two-way street and there are situations where you simply cannot accomplish anything. It’s a shame.
No apology necessary. It actually helps to see that my fight instincts aren’t completely off-base, no matter how hard I squash 'em.
Yeah, sometimes problems we have with other people force us to face less-than-wonderful aspects of ourselves. When you actually FACE those things, though, instead of assigning blame, you probably do some growing up, which is a good thing, right?
