To the Jerk who smashed my brand new vehicle 14 hours before I leave on vacation

Die DIE DIE you mangy pillock!

I wish I (and not the 4 security guards) had seen you punching out your wife, because then I would have rushed outside and kicked your lack of an ass before you touched my wheels. Now I have to go see an insurance adjuster, and figure out how to deal with repairs (and think about making a claim) when I’m supposed to be easing into my first vacation in 7 years!

And it’s not bad enough that you smashed cars, newspaper boxes, and my scooter as you worked out your inability to sustain an erection. But it’s actually the first time I’ve ever been able to afford a vehicle with a motor.
My scooter has less than 350 km on it you miserable rat bastard! Now I have to get it repaired, when I’ve only owned it for 2 and a half weeks.

How am I going to deal with getting my bike fixed when I’m in another country?

I’ve been living like a flea-bitten scab covered peasant for half a decade, and you come along at 2 in the morning and commit your mischief on the first non-human-powered thing I’ve ever owned.

And I’m stilltrying to figure out why 2 shoes and a boot are artfully arranged my formerly pristine oil-soaked machine.

I hope a syphilitic camel pukes in your couscous.