I was fifty feet away, and very obviously downwind. My day was frustrating. I had a single cigarette to get me through my day.
You felt the need to march up to me and say that my smoking was going to kill you because of the secondhand smoke.
Did you ever stop to think that, well, I might just be okay with that?
Carry on.
There’s a universal signal for this, it runs all languages and all cultures.
The middle finger upraised with the other fingers pointed down towards your palm. It’s relatively easy to do and packs more punch than any words can say.
Just a reminder for your next encounter with said asswipe.
Hey, it also works great in the car, in the grocery store, but not recommended in a bar where drinking is involved.
Here’s what your response should be: “Good.”
“A minute ago, I would’ve been sorry about that.”
My normal reply to militant non-smokers is:
This is North Carolina. We are in the tobacco belt. It is my economic duty to support the tobacco industry.
Of course this won’t work if you don’t live in the tobacco belt, but you could tell them that you’re helping me out.
My personal favorites are the militant former smokers that feel the need to spread their born-again message. Most are okay–they’ve been smokers, and they know where you’re at. They leave you alone about it, or quietly excuse themselves if the smoke gets to them. Some of them, though…man, they’re just so nutty about conquering their addiction that I think they’re only gonna be here until Hale-Bopp comes around again.
One of my co-workers was like this a few years ago. I had gone outside for a break, and she tailed me, just itching to share her Personal Good News with me. I let her ramble a bit, and when she stopped to take a breath, I looked her square in the eye, and said “shut up.” That was all it took, thank goodness. She never bothered me about it again.
How about: “I’m more likely to kill you because you’re an ass.”
The late Bill Hicks had a good one :
“Non-smokers die every day!!! Bwahahahahaha!!!”
What about those people that constantly remind you that you “need to quit”? Especially irritating if these people have never smoked and have no idea just how difficult the process of quitting is, every single time you light up they feel the need to remind you how bad it is for you. Wow, I hadn’t noticed. What are you, the surgeon fucking general now?
I figure his rudeness will get him killed much faster than second-hand smoke Mr. Cynical. Ignore people like and they will eventually go away.
Ugh. One of my best friends is like that, although he has mellowed somewhat in the last few months. He used to make loud coughing noises and dramatically wave his hands in front of his face whenever I lit up. I endured it for a couple of weeks, then started blowing smoke in his face every time he did it, until he finally stopped. Of course, I wouldn’t recommend this tactic with a stranger or co-worker.
Bring it on. I’ll stub out my butt in your eyeball, and turn the hissing noises into a techno hit.
It wouldn’t work anyway, I was downwind. I would have smelled you coming, since you reek of bullshit.
I think you misunderstood JeffB, man. He’s with you.
I agree with the above: second-hand smoke is most likely to kill through discussion. Leave 'em alone, and you’ll live longer.
Yes Mr Cynical. I think JeffB meant that as something for you to say to The jerk. Not an insult AT you. Apology time.
Doh!
That’l teach me to wake up before interpereting!
My apologies!
I did mean that as something for you to say as a reply to idiot, not as something for the idiot to say to you. I see that I could have made it a little clearer. Thanks Sofa King and particlewill.
Hey, simulpost!
No problem. I did like the visual of stubbing out a cigarette on my eyeball and the ensuing hisssss.
That, however, does not detract from the vituperative nature of your post, Mr. Cynical. I will smile for a long time, thinking about “hissing eyeball techno.”
Thanks for the memories, man.
As long as you don’t smoke around me for very long periods of time-it gives me headache-I really don’t care.
Listen silently to non-smokers protestations. Take a VERY deep drag on the cigarette. Blow smoke directly in non-smoker’s face, and say, “Now you’re REALLY dead, asshole!” (Substitute “bitch” if non-smoker is female.) Grin evilly as non-smoker stands aghast, blubbers something about “attempted murder” and runs off to call the police. Finish cigarette, crush butt under heel, get in car and drive home, and wait for the cops (or a legal summons) to arrive. Neither do.
Yeah. Fucking w/ Mr. Twin is VERY ill-advised. 
On the other hand, you could just tell Mr. Holy Non-Smoker that they just significantly cut their lifespan by getting within “smoking distance” of you. Ask them, if they saw you holding a chunk of deadly unshielded plutonium, would they go anywhere near you. Let 'em chew on that one as you finish your smoke in peace.
J.E.T.