To the pigfucker that decided he wanted my bike..

Hey you! Yeah, you, the worthless little sheetstain that
pilfered my only set of wheels. What the hell were you
thinking when you cut the cable and took MY bike, asshead?

I mean, sure, it was a fairly decent ride, and it had a
shiny new bigass cargo basket, and it looked new, but that’s
probably because I just bought the fuckin’ thing, nutsweat!
I only owned the goddamned thing for a couple of months, but
I’d also already gotten good and fucking used to having it
around. It was nice being able to travel on my own whim,
but you’ve put me back on the bus, you self-absorbed prick…

You wanna add some insult to my injury? I live in the southeast
side of the city… I was in the northeast side… I biked a good
30km to get to that mall, you little puke… Yep, so far away from
home, and you steal my wheels. Thank the gods for transit, or I’d
have a taxi bill to stuff down your annoying little gullet.

I close my eyes, and I can see you in my mind’s eye, standing there
grinning like a ditzy little punk… a stupid “I don’t care about
anyone but me” grin plastered across your face, showing me all those
nice, shiny teeth I’d love to break… alas, I know I will probably
never see you, nor will the police or mall security ever find my
bike. You’ve gotten away, you’ve won this time…

But I fear not. Karma will strike hard, and to me, it would be sweet
to see. Maybe you’ll ride MY bike out in front of the C-Train, or
perhaps you’ve discovered the loose seat the hard way, and gotten
dumped into oncoming traffic. It’s just too bad I left you my
helmet, locked onto my bike, to afford you a slight bit of protection,
but perhaps that helmet won’t do against the grill of a semi, eh?

Bad juju aside, you’ve taught me a lesson. You’ve shown me the error
of feeling safe in locking my property to a rack, and you’ve shown
me that I can get some mean satisfaction by taking the holding pins
out of my front wheel, from now on. Go on, take it now… see how
far you go, hmmm?

(Ah, that feels better. Even though he’ll never read it, man that feels
better. Death to your enemies! …even if it’s only in your mind. Hehe.)

I so feel your pain. Actually, someone stole my Gripshifts off my bike, but I don’t know what I’d do if someone stole my ride. Bike thieves are the lowest form of scum on the planet.

Actually, if and when you get a new ride, check out this site: They make stickers called BAD KARMA TO BIKE THIEVES and while it might not stop someone from ripping off your bike, it will raise awareness of the problem, one that non-riders don’t take very seriously.

I could recommend some locks, too, ones that are thief-proof…

I use a heavy 8’ long, 3/4" urethane-coated cable, strung through the frame in two place, and through both wheels, all secured with a Navy-surplus high-security lock. It adds 9 pounds to my ride, but I’ve never been ripped off in the 17 years of using this combo.

May your bike thief suffer a brake failure at the end of a fast downhill ride, facing into a patch of stinging nettles and wild roses.

Tranquilis, you forgot the rest of that curse…
May your bike thief suffer a brake failure at the end of a fast downhill ride, facing into a patch of stinging nettles and wild roses that are growing in a bed of sharp, pointy rocks, jagged glass shards, and rusty nails and railroad spikes. That several dogs just peed in. Twice. On fire.
There. That is more like it.

Man, I almost went ballistic when someone stole the quick release screw for my seat (I carried the seat with me). I can’t imagine how I’d feel if they’d taken the whole bike. Really sorry bud.

Sorry you lost a good bike, Timban. At least you had it during the transit strike, eh? Have you heard about the police bike auction that happens every summer here in Calgary? It might have happened already, but from what I’ve heard, it is a good way to get a cheap bike.


As far as I can tell the best way to lock a bike is with a cable and a U-lock, because theives may have something to break the lock, and they may have bolt cutters, but it is unlikely that they will have both. Or even morelikely figure it isn’t worth the time to work both locks.

This reminds me of the two day span irony decided to fuck with me.

First day, get a flat on my rear tire. Lock my bike up, take a bus to a bike shop, buy a tube (30 seconds before it closed), take a bus back to the bike, and replace the tube. Fill it up at a gas station. Thank God for being in a city and for the existance of quick release levers.

Next day, lock bike up outside book store for 20 minutes. Front wheel gets stolen. Curse God for being in a city and for the existance of quick release levers.

Have always used two locks since then.

Hey guys, thanks for the replies… mostly did it to
vent, but good discussion tends to come from Pit
rants around here…

donnie: Thanks for the link, definitely. Apparently here
in Calgary, there’s been alot of bike thefts lately. Every
morning in the Sun, I read of at least one or two… it’s
what they’re covering, these days. Hell, a couple of the
ones I’ve read about happened right near where I live,
beside a Canadian Tire down the street… Bleh. And
recommendations on locks would be appreciated, too. I was
just using a $40 cable lock, can’t even remember who made
it right now.

Tranq: Nine pounds of lock… that’s what I should have
been using, eh? :slight_smile: I tended to thread my lock through the
front wheel and frame, and take off the seat and thread it
there, too… It’s just too bad yours and Particle’s curse
won’t work anytime soon… bike had damned good brakes, IMO.

Feather: Hey, you’re local, cool. :slight_smile: Yeah, the transit
strike is what prompted me to get that ride… Got tired
of walking everywhere, and not being able to go around town
freely. Once the strike ended, I felt pretty independant of
the system, so I just rode everywhere I went. Yesterday’s
ride was from Southland Drive to downtown, then out to
Sunridge Mall where the bike got pinched, via the trail
by the Zoo and Max Bell. Long ride, but I like that kind
of thing. I was ready to ride home, when I left the mall. :wink:

That’s why I use such heavy cable and locks: You’d need God’s own bolt cutters, and the lock can’t be broken with anything short of a burning bar. Thay’re heavy, and cost a fair bit, but I’ve not needed to replace them in 17 years. The thief that prompted me to that extreme, cut through an early U-lock, and left the broken pieces on the ground where my bike used to be. Not likely to happen again.


Did you find any actual evidence of sexual relations between a man and a pig at the scene of the crime, and if you did, how do you know it was the same man? Were there traces of any other animals being molested? :smiley:

runs, dodging flying bike pumps and locks

— G. Raven

p.s. I’m really sorry about the bike though. Really am.

Maybe I did… :eek:

Okay, so I didn’t. :slight_smile: Just another colorful adjective
to spew forth in fine rant form. :smiley:

Ugh that’s terrible. The sad truth is you can’t buy a nice bike when you live in a city unless you or someone like a security guard at your office can always have an eye on it. A resourceful thief can get by any lock, even the U locks. They can freeze them and break them with a hammer, for instance.

When my bike was stolen I got the added aggravation of having the thieves joyride the damn thing right past me as I was forlornly walking home. Never have I experienced such exquisite, helpless rage and bloodlust. I even fell and skinned my knees and arms when I was trying to chase the fucking punks down.

Karma? It may be a comforting concept, but there is no such thing. Karma is simply justice without the satisfaction. And there is no justice.

Yeah, it really sucked. And you’re right, buying a nice bike
is apparently just asking for it, especially if you don’t
buy enough lock to go with it. Not that locks are a cure-all.
When I first left the mall and didn’t see my bike, it was really surreal…
I thought I had the wrong exit… I walked around and made sure I was in the right place,
then I made another pass just to be sure. Eventually, though, it really hits you, like, “Oh… FUCK!”

Luckily, I didn’t have to watch my bike go by. Lucky for the
thief, too. If I had, he would’ve been dodging bricks,
stones, whatever I could hurl at his head. Nonetheless, that
had to suck more than anything out there, and I’m sorry to
hear about that :frowning:

Karma exists… it’s out there, just not in the extreme form
that I dream on this thief. If nothing else, it’s a
comforting little fantasy to picture him getting the shit
end of a stick someday… But you’re right about justice.
There’s no justice for shit like this. Unfortunately, they
tend to get away. :frowning:

I really hate when someone steals or vandalizes part of your bike. I’ve had someone steal my front wheel, my seat, my headlight, my tire patch kit. One time someone broke my brake levers, and another time someone put a padlock on my spokes so the wheel wouldn’t turn properly. Having the whole bike get stolen is more expensive to replace, but having to carry your bike home is a real pain in the ass.

My choice for locks is a Kryptonite U lock, because it comes with a $1000 insurance policy if someone breaks the lock. I also “uglified” my bike by putting a bunch of band stickers on it to hide the brand name and make it look cheaper than it is.

the above line is one of my all-time favorite stickers.

I had a bike stolen once. Unlike you, i was a total idiot and didn’t even lock the thing as i ran into a corner store for a drink. smacks forehead The good news is that, about a month later, the guy that ended up with the bike (dunno if he was the thief or not) took it in for repairs… at the shop where i not only bought it, but where several of my riding buddies worked. They recognized it right away and confiscated it. The only repairs needed were new cables and a tune up.

Since then, i’ve always kept my bikes locked with a Krypto. The one i use (Evolution 2000) can’t be broken with bolt cutters, or much of anything else short of the jaws of life. Krypto also makes the New York lock, which seems to require a hydrogen bomb to get through.

You can find good tips for locking a bike here.

After having this happen, the New York lock’s looking more and more tempting… from the webpage, the only lock that Kryptonite guarantees within the confines of manhattan - that makes it really tempting. :slight_smile:

A good webpage, thanks for pointing it out.

As an aside, when does one lose the newbie status, eh? =)

I just wanted to come in and applaud your good usage of the word “pigfucker”.

I love the last bit of advice they give on that link: