To the raccoon who tore a hole in the door of my screened-in porch:

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Thank you.

Seriously. After my initial dismay, it turns out you did me a favor. You forced me to do what I’ve known had to be done for the last three-and-a-half years, ever since I took ownership of Casa Dave-Guy.

We love our screened-in porch. It was one of the things that made us fall in love with this charming little house. We love to sit on the glider on cool nights and read, or listen to the ballgame on the radio, or just hold hands and chat. It’s a lovely porch.

But the screens, while not exactly in disrepair, were showing signs of aging. Yeah, there were holes in spots, and, well, they just weren’t screening things the way they should have.

But I just never got around to fixing them.

Today, though, I had to. So, instead of spending Sunday afternoon watching mindless television, or drifting off to sleep and becoming so torpid the day would have been wasted, I set to work replacing the screens. Four hours, two trips to Home Depot, a Steeleye Span CD and a Linda Ronstadt CD, a tuna sandwich and a bottle of beer later, and my screened-in porch is once again a fortress against nasty bugs.

A lovely day it was, too. Sunny, not too hot, not too cold. And early enough in the season for there to be no bugs out to annoy or bite. It’s the second day of spring, and my porch is ready for summer. I am pleasantly tired, with the sense that I accomplished something important.

Thank you, raccoon.

But in the future, stay the hell away from my porch.

2

What did you have out there that he wanted? I’m presuming that the tuna sammich and brewski were not there tempting the little critter, and I doubt he was collecting for Purple Hearts.

3

Prolly just nosing around. Since the blizzard in February, we were keeping the garbage cans on the porch, so we didn’t have to wade through two feet of snow to get to them. That may have had something to do with it.

4

Linda Ronstadt, tuna sandwitches and a beer.

And you wonder why everyone is just dying to come to your place for the RibFest.

:smiley:

PS - New screens! w00t!

5

The secret to my success as a chef is that I crank Linda’s Greatest Hits CD and dance around singing backup and playing air drums while I prepare the food.

Makes it taste better. Honest. :smiley:

6

DAVEW0071 --thinks racoons can read. :eek:

7

:eek: You mean they CAN’T??!!

:smack:

8

Of course they can. But they don’t have Internet access. Be reasonable, for cryin’ out loud.

9

Maybe they were trying to break into his house to get Internet access?

10

Well, the librarians wouldn’t let them use the internet PC’s, so they had to go somewhere!

11

No, no. It is well known by the local fauna that Dave is a Hired Killer. The raccoons’ job was to inspect for Weapons of Mass Destruction. They blew it of course. The WMD’s are in the truck, not in the house. But it’s hard to tear a hole in a windshield. Anyhow, Dave can expect a pre-emptive strike any day, masterminded by the ants and executed by the termites. Ants do have Internet Access. They are using my computer.

12

I have complied with all the UN (Unwelcome Nuisances) directives and resolutions. I have nothing to hide. I welcome the inspectors, and give them access to anything they wish to see.

But not that. No. NO! Don’t go there. Here, look over here, see? I’m in compliance. Thank you, I love you, buh-bye.

13

We have intercepted communications indicating that you have acquired chemical and biological weapons with the intent to use them against us. You have 24 hours to surrender these weapons to our inspectors or the force of our massed troops will be unleased against you.

sincerely,
THE ANTS

14

Dear ants,

I WILL CRUSH YOU!

:: bangs shoe on podium ::

I WILL CRUSH YOU!

Sincerely,
Nikita Dave-Guy

15

If you start rolling aarvarks under DAVEW0071 , he will roll TWO ANTEATERS under you!

16

I sense a Cuban Ant Crisis brewing…