What the Holy Hell is under our porch? True Story

My wife and I have a porch in front of our home, it’s not a high porch, two steps, with a ramp on one side. Yesterday, I walked up to it to go into the house and lazily threw an apple core I had just finished underneath [compost] it must have hit something when I chucked it under there because it came flying back out immediately. I thought, that’s odd, but didn’t give it another thought and just slowly slid it back under the porch. No problem right? It will feed either the earth or some lucky racoon in the middle of the night.

This morning my wife and I got up to go for a walk and when we walked outside the core was on top of the railing that comes up to the doorway. Puzzled, I looked at my wife and she gave me a dubious glare said, “did you put that there??

No I put it under the porch, for an animal to eat. So I dropped it back down next to the bushes sure I would not see it again. We got on with our day and were no worse for wear. This evening we pulled into the driveway and the core was back on the railing. How the holy hell did it get back onto the railing? I picked it up and glanced at it and did not see any chew marks or other such animal markings… Because we were only home for a brief period, I left it back on the porch railing [mostly out of curiosity] to see if anything would come back and eat it. Now it’s 8pm and my wife and I just got home, and the friggin apple core is now on the opposite railing?

Anyone can explain that one to me I’ll give them a thousand cyber bucks and a healthy dose of good karma/positive vibes.

I’m thinking Troll, gnome, or some other oddity. An animal wouldn’t do that right? I’m usually a rational guy, but this bit of tomfoolery I am completely baffled by.

Did you ever see that 1970s movie Crawlspace? I believe what you’ve got under there is a disturbed individual who’s going to come out one night with an axe and hack you to death as you sleep.

But seriously, why don’t you get a flashlight and look under there … or are you afraid of what you might see?

Different apple cores.

ETA: WAG: You are housing an apple-chewing, chain-smoking boarder, who smokes outside and eats an apple with every cigarette. No?

ETA (again): …and the boarder lives under the porch.

Hmm. Flashlight…no. Not that I’m afraid, but if it’s a rabid badger or some other layrinthine being - I cannot handle that kind of stress tonight.

Seriously, to look under there I’d have to get on my stomach or back to look. The stringer boards go about 6 inches from the ground…so I’d really have to stick my head close to the opening to see. I can do that in the morning.

ETA: There is only one apple core. Fairly sure of that .

I expressly disclaim liability for any injuries you may suffer. Have you got a hockey mask, maybe?

Nope, no hockey mask. I’ve got a wife with a bat though.

A bat won’t be any protection in the daylight - they can’t see.


Do colored muslims like Obama have bigger penises and tip less than Christians?

I never thought of colored muslims - you may be on to something.

Monkey on the lam

Are under-porch monkeys known to dislike apple cores?

What about colored muslims?

Chipmunks love to sit on our front porch railing to eat acorns. There are always piles of acorn shell fragments on the handrail - all brought there, not having dropped there from the tree. They seem to enjoy bringing their snacks to their favorite habitual spot. Perhaps it’s the same sort of guy dragging your apple core around. They are awfully cheeky. Do you see them around your place much?

We get Chipmonks all the time. We have half dozen bird feeders and they eat all the fallen seed. It could be them, I’ll look closer for gnawing marks.

It’s a chupacabra. It rejects your offering of apple cores and strongly suggests you throw a goat under your porch. If you know what’s good for you, you’d better get yourself a goat.

Maybe the chipmonks have a paring knife.

Might be a Chupacobra. The story that I remember has something to do with forbidden fruit. I would think about moving.

Take a digital camera, set it on flash and multi frame and sqeeze off a round. Or if you have a video camera with night vision you can use that. the infrared light will illuminate the area in total darkness but will reflect off any eyes that are staring back.

What is a Chupacobra? A poisonous Chupacabra?

Similar to the Chipmonks, who spend their days at the monastery cracking walnuts, they’ve evolved.

More penis, less tip? GObama!