To the Rectal Cavity Manager at the Open Mic Show

The BBQ Pit
1

Wow! I didn’t realize a four effing dollar sandwich could make or break your huge mega-chain bookstore’s profitability.

[John Belushi]

Wellllll exxxxxcuuuuuse mmmeeeeeeeeee!

[/John Belushi]

Let’s look at the balance sheet, shall we? Each Friday evening I practice ahead of time and then drive ten miles to your store. I leave early so I can get there one hour before the open microphone program starts. Upon arriving, I make sure to:

Haul in all of my extra sound production equipment.
[sub]This consists of:[/sub][ul]Eight channel sound snake cable
Professional speaker tripods
Sound cable duffle bag
Microphone stands
Instrument stands
Microphone case
Alto saxophone
Guitar case
Flute[/ul]
Then I proceed to:[ul]Relocate the beverage condiment cart and floor mat
Politely reseat customers who are using vital tables
Clear the performance area of tables and chairs
Prompt the staff to get the audio equipment cart
Recruit someone to get a ladder and connect the power plug
Uncoil and untangle all of the sound and power cables
Lay down over 100’ of combined wiring for the PA system
Tape down those cables securely to avoid any liability issues
Set up all of the microphones, stands and electrical cords
Mount the speaker cabinets on the tripods
Connect all cables and electrical extension cords
Power up the system and do a complete sound check[/ul]
Doing this in less than one hour makes me perspire so I go out to my car and change into a fresh shirt before I:[ul]Set up my instrument stands
Assemble my saxophone
Put together my flute
Tune my guitar
Warm up my wind instruments outside[/ul]After performing in the show I then get to:[ul]Power down the system
Untape all of the cables
Disconnect all of the microphones
Unplug all the extension cords
Coil all of the cables and cords
Take down the speaker cabinets
Fold the speaker tripods
Stow all of my instruments
Load the audio cart with the store’s gear
Haul all of my equipment out to my car
Drive home[/ul]
To begin at the beginning. Your first event consisted of:[ul]Speakers sitting on the d@mned floor
A PA system next to the performer where no one can adjust it.
One microphone on a wobbly stand[/ul]Feeling there might be room for some improvement, I decided to:[ul]Diagnose your faulty speaker
Refer you to an honest repair shop
Relocate the sound board off stage
Provide multiple microphones instead of just one
Perform proper sound checks prior to each show
Fly your speakers on tripods so they reach the audience
Monitor the sound board full time unless I’m performing[/ul]
While almost all the other musicians play the same songs each week, I don’t. Instead, I usually make sure to:[ul]Have all my instruments tuned ahead of time
Perform original songs and instrumentals on guitar
Play jazz, rock, classical and blues standards on sax and flute
Rotate over 50% new material at nearly every show
Do some stand up comedy to break the pace
Do a full half hour set until some one else shows up[/ul]
Now, I understand how employees are reluctant to take the initiative when it comes to comping me with a Snapple™ or latte. So I bought my own the first few times until the entertainment manager instructed the staff to comp me. That’s fine and dandy. It took a while for me to make them all realize that wind instrument players like myself are not allowed to eat before performing because it screws up one’s embouchure and wind capacity. That’s all right, because after a few times the assistant manager was cool enough to start comping me a sandwich, Snapple™ and bag of chips before I went home. That way I don’t have to cook at almost 11:00 PM when I get back.

Everything was going hunky dory until the rectal cavity of a head manager saw the comp list and decided that a verschluginer four effing fricking flipping flaming dollar sandwich was just way too much to sacrifice out of their thousand dollar plus daily take!

GIVE ME A D@MNED BREAK!

My overtime is worth on the order of $40.00 an hour. I spend over four hours at your establishment making sure you have a truly professional open microphone series. I adjust the microphone stands to be sure that each performer’s sound is picked up correctly. I schlep in hundreds of dollars worth of my own equipment to ensure there is pro grade audio. I run the sound board full time to guarantee that each performer sounds their best.

Recently, since none of the employees are confident enough, I’ve even had to be master of ceremonies for the entire event as well. On top of this, I back up some of the performers by sitting in and improvise on the flute or sax with anything from old guitarists to the young rap crew that showed up.

Last Friday you had one of your employees come and tell me that I could have any beverages I wanted but not a stinking d@mned lousy six hour old soggy measly four-bite sandwich. Brilliant, just effing brilliant! Now I have to cook something when I get home after busting my hump all night.

For some mysterious reason, I now need to requisition the help of one of your employees for a half hour during set up and take down. How much is that going to cost you? They aren’t paid $2.00 per hour, so we can safely assume that you are now expending $5.00 to $10.00 in order to avoid giving away that scrofulous blinking $4.00 sandwich! Are you ready for the ultimate slap-in-the-face?

IT DOESN’T EVEN HAVE ANY MAYO OR MUSTARD ON IT!!!

Well, guess what? It’s raining tonight. I don’t feel like driving in wet weather. I don’t feel like getting my equipment wet. I don’t feel like going hungry all night. I don’t feel like breaking my back just to make you a success.

READY FOR THE HEARTBREAKER?

My personal professionalism disallowed me the pleasure of just not showing up without notice so they could twist gently in the breeze come show time. Everyone else at the store besides the sphincteroid manager treats me pretty decently. Like a chump, I telephoned them hours early and let them know I wouldn’t be coming in tonight.

BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!!!

Revenge is mine saith the Zenster! Did you really think there wouldn’t be a punch line to the way I’ve been treated by this swollen oozing pustule on the backside of humanity?

Ever since I started attending these performances the men’s restroom has been utterly bereft of soap. Mind you, this has been for more than two months. Recently, even the usual roll of soggy paper towels on the sink top was absent. Be it known that the euphemism is neatly juxtaposed next to the cafe and performance area. Do you think for even one microsecond that all my food experience has left me utterly unfamiliar with the sanitation code? Fear not. Zenster went with his strong suit and made sure that this week a certain skinflint rut bag of a scum sucking overseer had one sparkling golden opportunity to chat with the health department authorities about why her employees are not given the opportunity of properly laving their hands prior to resuming food service duties.

[Jackie Gleason]

How schweeeeet it is!

[/Jackie Gleason]

2

Good rant. I have always admired performers and what they have to go through on and off stage.

3

Sorry to be the one to tell you, but unless there’s something else going on here that you didn’t include, well… you’re a loser.

You’re getting squicked and complaining that they’re not using the correct diameter drill.

4

You’re the one who decided to put youself in charge of this little talent show every week. Were they happy with the setup they had before? Did they beg you to bring in all your stuff and set up the Zenster Variety Hour?

No? Then they don’t owe you shit. It’s nice for them to comp you stuff, but you’re a volunteer. An apparently unsolicited volunteer. Anything they decide to give you is just gravy.

And if this is a chain store, believe me, it’s like pulling teeth to get authorization to give stuff away. If they’re under a corporate audit or getting ready for cafe inventory, they’re not in a position to whip you up a free snack. If they’re being tightly supervised by people higher in the chain, their jobs are on the line.

5

I have to agree with the two posters above. You’re not getting paid to do all of that crap; and the joint obviously doesn’t value the “professional set-up” like you do. You’re knocking yourself out for nothing, then getting pissed when you get nothing back.

My first thought on reading all of your rant was, what a maroon. Perhaps a talented maroon, but a maroon nonetheless. Sorry, but there it is.

6

Let’s put it this way;

Their previous set up was less than dime store quality. In fact, it was detrimental to their public image because it made them look like complete feebs. All of the assistant managers are astounded by the increased quality my presentation brings. Some of the staff openly protested the curtailment of whatever meager benefits I received.

The amount of time and labor that I freed up for them was nearly an order of magnitude (do you know what that means?) greater in worth than the employee time previously consumed doing it themselves. The rental charges for my equipment alone are nearly another order of magnitude above the cost of the comping I mention. If a huge chain cannot justify a total of $4.00 to displace a minimum $20.00 to $40.00 worth of lost employee time then they do not belong in business.

You two are way off base in how to manage an enterprise. The attendance of performances I help to popularize brings in an additional $50.00 to 100.00 worth of café revenue. All of the factors are in their favor, even if they gave me a stinking steak dinner.

I’d hate to have either of you running my company.

7

Dude, I will just mail you a sandwich, ok? What’s your address? :slight_smile:

8

Yes, I do know what that means. Knowing that and thinking you’re a tool are not mutually exclusive.

And now, a playlet.

Open Mic Guy: The answer my friend, is blowin’ in the wind…

(Customers sit at tables near the speakers and nod appreciatively. Elsewhere, farther from the performance area, other customers browse through the books or sip their Italian cream sodas in peace.

Zenster (entering with a derisive snort): Can’t you see how foolish you look? Everyone, look at me! ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME YET? God, I could take this show from your puny selves and whip it into shape! Using my many talents and fabulous material posessions that are orders of magnitude better than anything you own, I could make you all into stars!

Cafe Manager: Gosh sir, we do this Open Mic night for fun. We set up the speakers we keep in the storeroom for author signings, Jimmy up there brings in his guitar and does a set of Dylan covers…we’re fine. But thanks anyway.

Zenster: SILENCE, WORM! Don’t you understand the glory you have missed out on, just by not being associated with me? Why, with just 200 percent more ME in yo ur open mic night, the world will be a more beautiful place.

Cafe Lackey: Look, mister, the cafe takes up about a tenth of the store. The customers might not come for the music, but they don’t seem to mind it, either. We’re a Borders, not CBGB. We’ll get along fine, just like we always have.

Zenster (With mock heartiness): Nonsense! Why, if you just get these silly customers out of the way…

Customer 1: Hey, I was sitting there!

Customer 2: Put that table back! You spilled my latte!

Zenster: …and bring in some of my fantastic sound equipment, the likes of which you peons have never seen outside of your pathetic Van Halen fantasies…

Customer 3: Jesus, it’s loud in here.

Customer 4: Open mic night used to be fun! (To the Cafe Manager) What’s with the guy who thinks he’s running Star Search? Can’t you do something?

Cafe Manager (To Zenster): Mister, it’s awfully nice of you to come in and help us out, but we were pretty happy the way we were…(He trails off as Zenster glowers and brandishes a speaker tripod) Well, I guess since you’re volunteering to help out and all… (He backs away, meekly.)

Zenster: Excellent! I’m glad I can help your Open Mic night become the paragon of professional entertainment that it deserves to be! (To Open Mic Guy) You! You are not performing up to MY standards! Allow ME to sit in on your performance! And surely some of MY patented humor will liven up the evening! Studies show that nothing in the cosmos can’t be improved by the addition of liberal amounts of ZENSTER!

Cafe Manager (Quietly to Cafe Lackey): At first, I thought his help might make the night more fun for everyone, but now things are getting out of hand. He’s doing it for free, though, so I’d feel really bad if I said something to him. (Inspiration strikes) Ah! I know! Give him a sandwich and maybe he’ll go away!

CURTAIN

9

It was Steve Martin who said “Wellllll exxxxxcuuuuuse mmmeeeeeeeeee!”

10

So you come and save the day, make things one million times better than they were… they screw you around, dont give you a fucking sandwhich and you cry about it?
Thats like doing a favour for someone without being asked (in some circumstances it can be intruding) and EXPECTING to get things back in return.

11

Cut Zenster some slack, he makes a lot of effort and takes pride in his results and some bean counter wannabe stiffs him on a $4 comp. For this he gets a bit peevish and starts a rather well written pit thread. It is obvious that the establishment doesn’t appreciate the efforts he’s making but instead of suggesting he finds one that will, some people want to wrap him in the weenie flag.

Zenster, theirs isn’t the only bookstore/coffie place in town and since I assume your primary motive in doing all this is more personal enjoyment rather than a profit motive, may I suggest you find someplace that better appreciates the qualities you “bring to the party.”

12

Meh. I have some sympathy with Juniper200’s portrayal of the possible tone of these proceedings. I was especially troubled by the bit where Zenster explains the way he habitually accompanies other performers by improvising on the flute or the saxophone. I find it hard to believe that large numbers of people are coming to perform hoping that someone else will join in their performance. I’ll bet those rappers were thrilled to be accompanied by improvised flute music instead of having the performance they’d planned.

13

Sorry, Zenster, but there’s no sympathy on my part. You voluntarily took over handling and setting up the open mic show. You took this job willingly, knowing that there was no pay, and the manager has no obligation to give you anything. That’s the spirit of open mic nights, anyways. It’s free to everyone and it’s meant as a showcase for performers. If you want compensation, put up a tip jar or go somewhere else. You live in the Bay Area, fer cryin’ out loud. There’s a thousand other places with open mic nights.

Be the better man and pack a brown bag, if you gotta have something to eat afterwards. Besides, whatever you make would be so much better than whatever they have to offer (for free), right?
And, Fisher Queen pointed something out that I missed the first time I read your OP. Do you even bother to ask these other performers to join them before adding your flute improvisations?

14

Then I proceed to:
Relocate the beverage condiment cart and floor mat
Politely reseat customers who are using vital tables
Clear the performance area of tables and chairs
Prompt the staff to get the audio equipment cart
Recruit someone to get a ladder and connect the power plug
Uncoil and untangle all of the sound and power cables
Lay down over 100’ of combined wiring for the PA system
Tape down those cables securely to avoid any liability issues
Set up all of the microphones, stands and electrical cords
Mount the speaker cabinets on the tripods
Connect all cables and electrical extension cords
Power up the system and do a complete sound check
Who performs at these open mics? the freaking STONES?

15

Hell, my husband is a professional musician, and has been screwed at gigs before in a similar way. He’ll play all night- extra if the crowd is really hot. The place makes money hand over fist, he encourages “group shots” and other big money makers for the bar, everyone has a blast, and some of these cheap asses will take his $5 cheeseburger out of his gig pay. You just never know what you’re going to get and if you want free food, you should ask for it right up front.

I feel your pain, in that it would be NICE of them to comp your dinner for doing that extra work, but the reality is this: If you think you’re providing a good service to them, start charging. Otherwise they’re just seeing a freebie and will use you until you’re done being taken advantage of.

16

Sounds like a lot of work for an open mike night at a bookstore. Still, a sandwich doesn’t sound extreme to me. Like Zette said, if they can keep using you, they will.

I assume you ASK before accompanying other musicians? Because otherwise I’m much less on your side in this.

Maybe you ought to either scale down your act a bit, or find a place that will pay you for doing all of this?

17

I need clarification here. What is this “mysterious reason”, and who made the decision that an employee should assist you?

Maybe there’s a hint in that…?

18

I bet that they’re just punishing Zenster for playing “Free Bird” one too many times.

19

Welcome back Zenster.

20

Either that, or he refused to play it. I could see that knotting somebody’s undies.