Dear Angry Bastard…
I hope that your upcoming wedding is the happiest day of your life, because obviously there have been very few since the day you were born. Apparently even existing in the same portion of the space/time continuum entitles me to abuse, ridicule, and death threats. Congratulations you pathetic inbred piece of dog-vomit. You have successfully destroyed my faith in any redemption of humankind. This is despite growing up in the most hate filled, inbred town possible. Despite having a childhood filled with almost nothing but hate. I thought I had gotten past that, and managed to put this all behind me. No. There is no future for us as a people.
I thought that, due to the fact that you know one of the most awesome people I have ever met, you may actually be worthy of a lifetime of happiness. I mean, I meet this aforementioned awesome person at my local drinking establishment, and they tell me they are on a bucks night, AND even go to the trouble to point you out. Was it so wrong to go up to you and tell you that I hoped you had a good night, and to wish you well on your journey into marital bliss? Which of your relatives did I slaughter without mercy? Which of your childhood pets did I torture? Did I even, perhaps, tread on your toe accidently while passing? No. I did not. My obvious joy for life, which is so fleeting at the moment, must have been enough to set you off, and for that I must appologise. It was completely my fault, that for no reason whatsoever I wished you well. Saying that I don’t even know you, nor you I is a grave insult in whatever fallacy of a home you were raised in.
Your belief that I had grabbed you prospective bride’s ass that very same night (despite the fact she was in a completely and utterly different geographical location enjoying what is possibly to be her very last night of sexual equality, and non-spousal beating) was completely founded in reality. This also absolutely nothing to do with the copious ammounts of alcohol that you had also consumed this very same night. My clumsy and pathetic attemps to talk you down, and make light of the situation by self-deprecating humor had no affect upon you because you had the righteous fury of God, and many stiff drinks behind you.
I cannot believe that I even contemplated averting your anger, and will be thorougly embarrassed for the rest of my life for informing the bouncers of what was going on, and leaving by a side door, so that you did not have to spent your wedding in traction due to having most of your bones broken.
Your request to me to not “tell your boys” what was going down was also completely grounded in reality. Despite the fact that I was spending the night with one of my oldest female friends whom I had not seen in a long time. My blatantly obvious “posse” of “homies” must have scared you to your very foundation, and greatly encroached upon your (lack of) manhood that you felt the need to meet me outside whilst having all of your friends present.
Please God, someone nail me to something wooden. I think I need to cry at the complete and utter hopelessness of it all…