To Wed or Not To Wed

Great Debates
21

Sengkelat and The Ryan already said everything I was going to, probably better than I would have. [sub]lousy bastards…[/sub] :slight_smile:

I’m getting married next year. Although I don’t plan on it not working out, by getting married I’m not giving my fiancee a guarantee that we will be together our whole lives. Rather, I’m saying that, based on what I know now, I think we will be together our whole lives and that there’s no one else I would rather be with for the indefinite future.

I think it’s a huge mistake to view marriages which end in divorce as failures. I’d rather people who grew apart ended the marriage rather than force themselves to stay together just to honor the commitment. Does this mean those people shouldn’t have committed? Not at all. The commitment was to try to spend the rest of their lives together, not to predict the future or blindly stay together no matter what the cost.

But, you’re of course entitled to your own opinions about marriage. Don’t get married. Have a commitment ceremony. I don’t think what you describe is all that different than what I’m planning, apart from a few semantics and a little piece of paper, but who cares what I think?

Good luck.

22

I’ve only been to a few weddings. The rest of the weddings I’ve seen were on TV, so they don’t count. The few weddings I have been too, the vows were the traditional vows, including something along the lines of “And, forsaking all others, will you remain only unto her/him for as long as you both shall live?”

Get that last part? “… as long as you both shall live.” Or, as it’s otherwise stated, “'Til death do us part.” That’s it. According to that statement, the only out is for one of the partners to die. End of story.

Most of you seem to agree that there are circumstances besides death that null the contract, such as cheating or abuse. Sure, if I beat my wife, I’m breaking my half of the contract. So, that means she’s out, right? Wrong. Nowhere does it say, “As long as you both shall live, or one of you breaks the deal in some way.” Even if I break my half of the contract, her half still stands.

In essence, the traditional vows really are promising that the couple will remain together, NO MATTER WHAT. It may be universally understood that there are extinuating circumstances (I hope I spelled that right…), but it is NOT what the vows say.

Ok, so I’m being nitpicky. A minor change in the vows would make this ok for me. Just leave out the “As long as you both shall live” part, and I have NO problem with it. I, personally, still don’t wish to marry for various reasons, but it makes a lot more sense to me to leave out that part. Especially since most people DO leave that in the vows, and most people DON’T really mean it. What they mean is what I said above… “As long as we both shall live, or there is some circumstance that is so unacceptable that I feel I must leave.” If that’s what you mean, great. Then say it.

I’m really going to get raked over the coals for this one, but one of the reasons I refuse to say those vows again is because I take that sort of thing VERY seriously. When I first said, “'Til death do us part,” I meant it. Even when things were really bad with my wife, I STILL meant it. She’s the one that left. I could have stuck around for a lot longer… miserable, angry, resentful, bad for both of us and everyone around us, but I would have been there. When I do say vows again, I’m going to mean them again. That’s why I’m going to be very careful about exactly what I’m going to say, about what I promise. And, as I don’t believe I can honestly say, “As long as we both shall live,” I’m not going to.

As I’ve stated, I have other issues with marriage as well, so we’re not getting the certificate. And we’re totally happy about that. We will have a ceremony, we will have vows that really mean something to us, and those who care about us are welcome to celebrate with us or not. It’s their choice.

23

**

That’s one interpretation. But the law and many religions don’t see it that way. The vows generally include other conditions besides “…till death do you part.” So what you’re promising is that you’ll stay together until death so long as both parties uphold the agreement.

**

Nope, you broke the contract therefore she is free to dissolve it at that point.

Well whatever floats your boat I guess. Just don’t complain when the rest of the world doesn’t treat you like a married couple. Don’t be upset when your girlfriend isn’t permitted to make decisions in your absence, specifically in the case of an emergency.

I don’t really know what the Great Debate is here. This seems like IMHO material.

Marc