I have had an epiphany… no really I have.
See, I had been walking through life blissfully unaware of my own issues and problems. Of course, everyone else around me was insane, needy, snobby, critical, controlling, lazy, etc… But me, yes dear sweet dopers me, I was FINE! I have always been somewhat of a perfectionist see, and proud of it. Proud of my cleanliness and tidiness, quick to thumb my nose at any who dares disagree. Now, I wasn’t born this was, I had to have learned this behavior somewhere right?
Enter: Mother Dearest, stage left.
I have always taken everything that mother said as gospel. If she was mad, I was mad, if she was sad, I was sad, if she thought something was silly, I thought it silly as well.
Well, I also have a sister, said sister ran away from home at the age of 13, (I was 7 or so). She and my mother fought physically and verbally day in and day out. She and I have different fathers and hers was a deadbeat. (No, really he was, that isn’t just me butting in my opinion there.) Fast forward to the age of 16, when my sister returns home, in the hopes of building a relationship with the mother, sister and step-father she had run away from. Here is the part where I think I fell asleep.
Yes, my sister has issues, she isn’t always truthful, she had a bad childhood with her father, she is crazy, she and I don’t see eye to eye on anything, but she is still my sister and human. My mother instilled all of these ideas into me, save the last one.
Fast forward to this past week or so, most importantly this last weekend. My sister was getting married for the third time, first time for her groom. I had a thread open before the wedding about how my sister was driving us insane. That she was toxic and such.
The weekend of the wedding opened my eyes is so many ways. My mother complained the entire time, never so much as told her own daughter she looked nice, never smiled, complained about having to take photos, made snide remarks about the bride’s father and his family. At the reception she stayed glued to her seat and made us all leave early. (I and my grandmother rode with her and my dad).At the time, I didn’t give to much thought to it, she had every right to be angry! My sister had done it to herself by acting the way she did!
The next day my sister called me, to tell me, how lovely I looked and how she wished I could have stayed a little longer and had fun. I mumbled the appropriate response and moved on with my day. I felt wrong though, out of sorts about the whole thing. My sister was in the wrong…right?
That next Tuesday I saw a head doctor for depression. I have felt the need to seek help for a long time, not because of the wedding. I have been diagnosed with OCPD.
http://www.minddisorders.com/Ob-Ps/Obsessive-compulsive-personality-disorder.html
I have read and read and read information on this since I got home Tuesday afternoon. I feel like giant weight has been lifted. Yeah have a problem, but I am not alone and I can get better. But then I got to thinking about my mother. She is OCPD too, off course. Always with the rules and regulations and the control and the dictating and the negativity. She is always looking for something wrong to fix or complain about. I am just like her. I am the one that is pushing everyone away, me. it is me, not everyone else. I CAN do better.
Fast forward to this morning. My sister calls me out of the blue. She just wants to talk, chat after she has caught up now after the wedding drama. I realize that I have never once considered her side, even though I had convinced myself that I had. I never gave her a chance, I never opened up to her. I realized that our mother was very unfair to her too. Telling me what a bitch my sister was, but that she wanted me to try and get along with her. Try and be her sister, even though it is going to be hard. No it isn’t hard, I am already her sister, and dammit I want to be her friend! I will not trust her for a long time I am sure, she has lied in the past too many times. But I also know that in the last year or two, she hasn’t lied to me at all that I have caught onto. No matter how rude and unforgiving I have been she keeps calling me back. Now that she is no longer BRIDZILLA, things are getting easier as well.
I am NOT my mother, I don’t want to be her. I don’t want to spend my entire life mostly friendless and unhappy because I can’t have control over everyone and everything. I don’t want to brow beat my SO into submission. I don’t want to pass this problem on to my children. And most of all, I want to learn to love my big sister. After all, she is human too, and deserves a chance.
I feel better today than I have in years. Strange how seeing that I am a complete asshole makes me feel good. I see my problem, I see my solutions, I am hopeful and energized about the future. There are things that I can control, and things that I can’t. That is OK, that is life. I will be OK.
Today is a good day. Thanks for listening!
