My sister thinks I have post-partum depression...and I totally don't! Right?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I gave birth for the first time about 11 months ago. I’m a happy mom, I have an amazing baby, and a supportive, amazing husband. Work is great, baby goes to day care 2 days a week, husband watches her the rest of the time, social life is fun and fulfilling, and I have a great support system of friends, in-laws, and a working moms group.

3 months ago, I had a big fight with my mom. It took my 35 years to realize that she’s oftentimes really mean to me, and I finally put my foot down. I told her that I was no longer interested in hearing her opinions on my life, my choices, my finances, my weight, my husband, my politics, or how I’m raising my baby. She informed me that she considered me a “peer” rather than a daughter, and so she wouldn’t “coddle” me by, I guess, being nice to me. We haven’t spoken since, save for a few emails and texts. I went through a fair amount of self-therapy, doing a lot of thinking, and talking with friends and my husband. And I know that although eventually we’ll repair our relationship, I’m currently happier without her poison in my life (they live across the country from me).

My sister thinks I’ve gone insane. I told her that I’m super happy right now – but the only time I really get sad or upset is when I’m talking to or about my mom and dad. She literally YELLED at me over the phone this morning, telling me that I was obviously suffering from post-partum depression (which she was diagnosed with 9 months after the birth of both her kids). I told her I really didn’t think I had post-partum, and she told me I was in denial, and eventually hung up on me. It’s pretty unusual for her to get this angry. She’s usually a pretty calm, collected person.

Because I (usually) value my sister’s advice, I googled the symptoms of post-partum, and I am experiencing none of them.

Has this ever happened to anyone? Someone accuses you of having a problem that you KNOW you don’t have? Or maybe you totally thought you didn’t have the problem, but after someone brought it to your attention, you realized they were totally right?

I’m 99.999999% certain my sister is completely wrong. I think she just thinks I’m crazy because I’m the only one in our immediate family who is sensitive and willing to speak her mind. :stuck_out_tongue:

2

For what it’s worth . . . I’ve known people with PPD, and you don’t seem anything like them. Not even a little.

3

Heck, you sound better adjusted then I was at times in my first year of motherhood. If you’re generally happy and enjoying your baby, partner and life then I can’t see how you would have clinical PPD. Everyone has bad days, especially new mothers. PPD is a constant, chronic thing.

Does your mother treat your sister the way she treats/treated you? Maybe she’s jealous you were able to stand up to your mom and is projecting. After all, if there’s something wrong with you for stepping up then there’s nothing wrong with her for not stepping up. Or maybe she needs company/affirmation for her own PPD.

And congratulations on setting limits with your toxic mom. My life got SO much better when I started setting limits with my abusive father and overbearing mother-in-law. Life is too short to put up with rotten relatives.

Enjoy your baby!

4

You sound fine. It sounds like your sister has a case of “misery loves company” to me.

5

This, and

this. Your life sounds great; is she jealous or bitter or something? There might be a problem, all right, but it sounds like it’s on your sister’s end.

6

Or your mom convinced her because nothing else could possibly explain your behavior… “your sister’s gone mad! Mad I tell ya!”

7

I bet she wishes she could do what you did.

8

You sound fine to me too. Is your sister still suffering from PPD herself?

Maybe she is projecting?

9

I won’t take a guess at whether your sister is projecting or whether she just associates family friction with PPD. But I will take a guess at something else. I’m guessing that your mother is driving your sister nuts.

Think about it. She has a habit of fault-finding and carping and now she has one fewer outlet for that along with one more thing to complain about. If your sister can’t back her off, she’s probably drowning in a sea of scorn.

And that bit about treating you like a peer? Bosh. She was treating you like a despised underling.

10

When any member of a family that has some dysfunctions, as yours obviously does, decides to take a stand and challenge the status quo, it can cause all sorts of disruptions that may not be obvious. Your sister, who has her own issues with PPD, was familiar and comfortable with a family dynamic in which you had a relationship with your mother, who often put you down. Now that relationship has changed (or ended, at least temporarily), and so has the family dynamic. Your sister is lashing out at you because the change is making her uncomfortable, and she is focusing on PPD because it’s a diagnosis that fits the circumstances, if not the symptoms.

I can tell you from personal experience that this situation has the potential to improve as your sister becomes more familiar with the new status quo.

11

I like the idea that I just have to stick to my guns about how I want to be treated by my family. There are a few “black sheep” aunts and uncles (well, “black sheep” to my mom at least), and as I’ve gotten older, I realize I have more in common with them than I thought I did. I hate the idea that I’m going to be the black sheep for a while, but I’d rather my daughter grow up in healthy relationships and see her mom stand up to bullying.

I never imagined this sort of reaction from my sister, but I think there’s a seed of truth in Salem’s suggestion – that my mom can only explain away my new behavior with a diagnosis of crazy-pants.

12

Good for you for sticking up for yourself! If you’re aren’t really having problems with feeling sad, tired or angry, or having problems with motivation, food or sleep (well, as much sleep as you can get with a new baby :slight_smile: ), then that’s great. Don’t dwell on it, or start thinking that one bad day/moment means things are going wrong. I hope things improve with your family dynamic soon. Enjoy a little more peace and a little less drama for now!

ETA And if you get the chance, maybe reach out to those “black sheep” family members, even in a small way. No reason to let your mom/sister pit you against everyone else in the family!

13

I have no reason to think you’re depressed, but FWIW, having a major break with a close, toxic relative that totally shifts one’s family dynamics (while raising a baby) is a very significant event for one to adjust to emotionally. It might not be a bad idea to get yourself a little bit of counseling just to see if there’s anything else you can be doing to make this transition smoother for yourself. It could also help you work out strategies for dealing with your sister and possibly for reconnecting with the other black-sheep members of your family.

14

Tess and Tom, I have reached out to some of those “black sheep” family members in the past few years, with great results. I’m close friends with an aunt whom my mother despises, and I think it pisses my mom off that we’ve become close. :smiley:

And good suggestion for the counseling – I’ve been trying half-heartedly to set up an appointment with a recommended counselor. I went through tons of therapy as a kid (parents insisted I had depression – now I’m wondering if that was a complete misdiagnosis and I was just sad 'cause I had crappy parents) so I’m not thrilled to be doing it again. But I think I’ll need some additional support in learning how to deal with these new family dynamics.

Thanks for the kind words, all. I’m gonna go play with my baby now. :smiley:

15

I think I remember you mentioning the whole blowup with your mom, OP. FWIW I haven’t talked to my crazy bitch of a mother in years - save for some texts and emails - and she did the exact same thing when I first withdrew from her: told everyone that I was crazy and needed psychiatric medical help. Those exact words.

In reality, doing that saved what was left of my sanity and helped me start rebuilding it from a healthier foundation.
Your mother sounds (mildly?) toxic, and your sister an extension of that. My advice would be to minimize their presence and influence on your life, but then, I don’t know you and yours and so my advice is worth precisely, as they say, what you paid for it.

(Also, you don’t sound even remotely depressed.)

16

Right. You sound like you’re doing great! Congrats on having a great baby, husband, and life.

Your story reminds me of my friend - her son is 6 months old, and most of her family is undoubtedly toxic. I’ve been so proud and happy to see her making boundaries and refusing to deal with their cruelty and bullshit, now that she has her own family, which is her first priority - and taking good care of herself emotionally by limiting contact with her family lets her give so much more to her husband, her son and herself.

I hope things work out with your mom and sis to your satisfaction. They will probably adjust once they realize you really mean it.

17

Opinions, anecdotes, diagnoses, and other commentary on mental health and/or familial issues go in IMHO, so let me move this thither for you.

twickster, MPSIMS moderator

18

And if they don’t, a good rule of thumb for what’s good for you and what isn’t is how it makes you feel. Talk to your mom - feel crappy. Talk to your sister - feel crappy. Play with your baby - feel good. Talk with your husband - feel good. Simple! :slight_smile:

19

I don’t think it is PPD at all. I think that kids really change the way you look at the world and it has changed your relationship with your mom.

If it works better for you, keep it up.

20

Soooo… PPE? post-partum enlightenment?