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Exterior shot of prison
<cue voice-over>
Today, on Martha Stewart Living, join Martha as she redecorates a 6’ x 10’ cell with concrete block walls and beds bolted to the wall. Also, learn how to spice up that drab, orange prison jump suit. And, finally, watch as Martha and her cell-mate, Shirley, create shivs out of plastic toothbrushes. All, today, on Martha Stewart Living
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<cue Martha>
Hello, again. I’m Martha Stewart, Prisoner 325702, and I’m joining you today from my lovely cell here at the Ilsa B. Dyke Women’s Correctional Facility outside Schnectady, New York. Today we’re going to redecorate my cell, do a quick and easy make-over on my jump suit, and, finally, my cellmate Shirley and I are going to show you how to create a functional, yet beautiful, shiv out of an ordinary toothbrush. Let’s get started.
<cue music intro to Segement 1>
<medium shot of Martha standing in middle of cell, giving thoughtful consideration to walls, toilet, sink, and beds>
We’ver really got a challenge in front of us today. The standard cell in the medium security correctional facility is only 6’ x 10’. That doesn’t leave a lot of room for Hepplewhite armchairs, distressed bookcases, and cherry pencil-post beds. Instead, we’ll have to make due with a stainless steel toilet bowl and sink, and a pair of bunk beds bolted directly to the wall. And what walls they are! Notice the standard institutional putty coloring, and the way the flourescent light plays off the texture of the concrete block.
Let’s start by adding a few pictures - cut out of the latest issue of my magazine, Martha Stewart Living. This picture of my beautiful home in Connecticutt will add a bit of color - and don’t the brownies in this photo just look good enough to eat. I made those with John Tesh. He wrote last week and said that he and Connie Seleca are going to come visit as soon as they get back from Barbados. Then I think he has to have a root canal - but he said they were definitely coming to visit.
Next, lets brighten up the area over the toilet with a picture of some lillies cout out of my magazine, Martha Stewart Living. Arent’ they gorgeous? I planted those with Richard Simmons. He wrote and said that he was going to come visit me as soon as he finished his new exercise video. Then he has to get some lipo done, but he’s promised to come after he gets out of the hospital and can rest up a bit.
There, doesn’t that look just wonderful? A few simple touches and already you can feel a difference in the atmosphere.
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<cue shot of Martha laying out two orange jumpsuits and considering them>
You know, the State of New York did me no favors when it issued me this orange jumpsuit. My coloring isn’t really right for orange, but I’m going to look at it more as a challenge than a setback. Let’s see if we can add a little dash.
I’ll start by unrolling about a yard of toilet paper (but don’t tell my cell mate Shirley. She had to go down on the guard just to get this one extra roll). By carefully folding, I can create lovely corsage of toilet paper. I’ll just put this down in the chest pocket and look, that splash of white just fits so well with the orange. It reminds me of the orchids I used to grow in my greenhouse. I once did a segment on orchids with Sarah Jessica Parker. I heard on the radio that she said that she was going to come visit me as soon as she and Mathew Brodderick get back from France and she has her baby. Well, actually, I think she said that she would come once the baby was up and walking, but I’m looking forward to the visit.
<cue music>
<shot of Martha and Shirley scraping the handle of two toothbrushes against the underside of the bed>
A correctional facility can be a rough and tumble place, and sometimes you need a good, sharp object to get your point across.
This is Shirley “Hatchet Mama” Washington. She’s my cellmate here at Ilsa B. Dyke Women’s Correction Facility, and she’s going to show me how to make a shiv - that’s sharp, pointed object that you can use to fend off unwanted sexual advances or skewer tiny cocktail weenies.
<cue Shirley>
Yo’, bitch. This here is how you makes a shiv - ‘cus you don’t want no other bitch gettin’ your booty unless you be down with it, understand what I’m sayin? So, right, like, you take a toofbrush and scape the handle under the edge of your bed, see. And that scarpes off some of the handle until it gets real sharp and pointy-like. Then, you got yourself a shiv.
<cue Martha>
Wow, Shirley, that’s really great. That reminds me of the time Bob Villa came on my show and…
<Shirley>
Who the fuck is Bob Villa? And you told you you could talk, bitch? I’m going bust your white ass you keep runnin yo mouf like that. Now get up in that top bunk and get ready for a little sumpin’ sumpin’
<Martha>
Well, that looks like all the time we’ve got for today. Thanks for dropping by and visiting. I hope you learned something that you can use in your home…I’m Martha Stewart and this has be…
<Shirley>
Yo’, bitch. I ain’t gonna tell you again. Shuck off them clothes and get your lilly-white butt up in that bed.
<Martha>
…Martha Stewart Living.
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<cue end credits>
