They have begun. The precious semi-animate carbon blob has evolved into a proto-human with a will and drive of its own, yet without standard safety protocols or, apparently, a user-serviceable ‘off’ switch.
The war has opened on several fronts, thought we’re doing our best to focus on priority areas and executing strategic retreats elsewhere. For example, there were some minor skirmishes as potty training began, but thanks to Dopers we established strategic no-fly zones and a DMZ, so it’s at an impasse until a peaceful solution evolves on its own accord.
Another area stems from his decision that the last place he wants to sleep is in his bed. He loves it, and ever since we replaced the gravel with old straw and crumpled newspapers it’s very comfortable. But no, he’ll play and jump on it, but he wants to sleep on any other surface but the bed (he once decided he’d sleep on the wall). Fine, have at it. That’s a needless battle.
But sleep itself? Those lines have been drawn. He used to go down between noon and three and after seven thirty to eight—but it seems that a few weeks ago hiberfil.sys got corrupted. Now? No matter what we do, he bounces up out of bed (floor) and runs around as soon as we leave. We tried taking things out of the room, but to no avail. Runrunrunrunrunshoutshoutshoutshout… he naps are down to an hour or two, and he’ll routinely stay up until ten or eleven.
The war is not lost, but the battle rages on. Relevant link.
The other front is just starting to open—food. He somehow got it into his head that to maintain energy levels at toddler maximum he needs to load up on carbs and protein. If it weren’t for a penchant for meat, the boy would love living in a Dickensian dystopia—nothing but gruel from morning to night. Though he does love fruits of all sorts, but not a big fan of carrots. Or broccoli. Or lettuce. Or peas … you get the picture. Our state department has sent raw, cooked, seasoned, plain, puréed and many other combinations, but to no avail.
So far it hasn’t turned into a hot war. We get as much into him as we can through diplomacy (do you want to watch the Daily Show?) and covert ops (sneaking things inside other foodstuffs, stews), but things are starting to break down.
Though we try and maintain a pacifist outlook, we’re about to launch the first strike. Pull all proteins and carbs down to about half to a third the food we put in front of him—all else will be vegetables. We’re hoping to win over Hungry as an ally. We don’t think he’ll permanently damage his systems as he holds out for more non-vegetable matter. What’s stopped us so far from giving the ‘go’ order is the threat of his sonic weaponry and occular-based chemical resources. One threatens sanity; the other affects the civilian population to weaken overall resolve.
So that’s it in a nutshell. I assume other Dopers would like to share their war stories—successes and defeats. Of course, non-parents will have the best answers; I know I did pre-Dudeling.
