Tolkien-related song parodies

Cafe Society
1

OK so I recently came up with a Hobbit-related parody to the tune of “It’s A Fine Life” from Oliver! Tolkien fans, post your song parodies here!

THE HOBBIT VERSION OF “IT’S A FINE LIFE”
(Sung by the Dwarves-- except Thorin-- and Bilbo)

FILI

Some treasures, some treasures,
Who would deny us these?
Ale tankards large measures
No skimpin’ if ya please
I rough it, I love it
Life is a game of chance
I never tire of it
Leading a merry dance

BOFUR

If you don’t mind not havin’ a home to go to,
It’s a fine life! It’s a fine life!
Though out West you have to work to buy food,
It’s a fine life! It’s a fine life!

GLOIN

When you’ve got someone to love,
You forget your cares and strife
Let the hobbits look down on us
And the elves all frown on us
It’s a fine fine life!

KILI

Who cares if tall races
Stare at us in the street
Fine airs and fine graces
Ain’t got to slave to eat

DWALIN

We wander out Westward
Who knows what we may find
Each day our hope’s tested
From front to far behind

BILBO

If you don’t mind having to deal with Thorin,
It’s a fine life! It’s a fine life!
Though Orc hordes may threaten to kick the door in,
It’s a fine life! It’s a fine life!

FILI

Though the earth is brown and dense
On our side of the fence
We didn’t take care of it so we lost our share of it
And I don’t mean pence

If you don’t mind having to like or lump it
It’s a fine life! It’s a fine life!
Though there’s no tea-sipping and eating crumpet

It’s a fine life! It’s a fine…
life!

DWARVES
Not for us our own true home
Folk in exile, happy lives
Though it often touches us
Now for the likes of such as us
Ours is a fine… fine life!

2

I am pretty sure hobbits (with the possible exception of the Sackville-Bagginses) do not look down on dwarves, or anyone, really.

And no lines for Balin?! Everyone knows he was the best dwarf (and had a great singing voice, as he proved in the Airplane).

3

“CARADHRAS”
by the Dunharrow Dead

This fellowship
Has to make it on time
Left Rivendell
With walkers nine
Hits Eregion
All emptied out
There’s no Elves, no Men
And Sauron’s at it again

Climbing that pass
High in morass
Caradhras, you better
Watch your snow
Blizzard ahead
Warg-wolves behind
And you know that Moria
Just crossed my mind

Road closed ahead
The mountain in red
Take my advice, you’d better
Head for Kheled
Balrog woke up
Down in a hole
Journey in the dark
Far from the goal

Climbing that pass
High in morass
Caradhras, you better
Watch your snow
Blizzard ahead
Warg-wolves behind
And you know that Moria
Just crossed my mind

Trouble with up
Is the trouble with down
Can’t go under or over
It’s too big to go around
Come in the Black Pit
You know you’ve had it
The Warg-wolf screams
And the mountaintop gleams

Climbing that pass
High in morass
Caradhras, you better
Watch your snow
Blizzard ahead
Warg-wolves behind
And you know that Moria
Just crossed my mind

And you know that Moria just crossed my… mind…

4

@Johanna: That’s great. What song is that originally?
@njtt: They may not all “look down” on dwarves as such but certainly do see them as undesirable/not the sort of person the average hobbit associates with. Everyone in and around Hobbiton thinks Bilbo and Frodo are weird for associating with dwarves.

5

Saruman Saruman
Does whatever a Wizard can
Breeding lots of Uruk Hais
To find the Ring to serve The Eye
Look out, here comes the Saruman

6

I’m the Nazgul King of Angmar and my story’s seldom told,
But no living man could harm me (so my fate had by Glorfindel been foretold)
I served a King
Who had given me a marvellous and mighty magic Ring
And my life depended on the cursed thing.
Lie-da-die…

7

Thanks!

“Casey Jones”

8

I met him on the fields of Pelenor
Where we stood our ground 'gainst the furious attack of Theoden.
He rode up to me and he wanted to fight,
I asked him his name and in a light brown voice he said Eowyn.
Eh-eh-eh-eh, Eowyn
Ey-ey-ey-ey, Eowyn!

I pushed him away.
Felt a sting in my leg.
He pulled off his helm.
And that’s when I saw!

And that’s the way it was foretold to me,
It was always going to be that way with my Eowyn,
Eh-eh-eh-eh, Eowyn.
Girls will be boys and boys will be girls,
It’s a mixed up muddled up shook up world 'cept for Eowyn,
Ey-ey-ey-ey, Eowyn!

Well, I took a ring many years before,
And thought no man could ever kill me at all,
But she stood there with sword in hand,
And said you fool, I am no man!

Well I’m not the world’s most corporeal man,
But I know what I am and I don’t give a damn
'cept for Eowyn.
Ey-ey-ey-ey, Eowyn.
Ey-ey-ey-ey, Eowyn.

9

There was a book many years ago called “Bored of the Rings”, published I believe by Harvard Lampoon (Don’t know if it’s related in any way to National Lampoon.) Anyway, it parodied the Lord of the Rings trilogy, including a few of their own takes on the songs of LOTR. The only song title I can remember is “I sit on the floor and pick my nose”, and was sung by Dildo Bugger - which gives you an idea of how high-brow this book was lol.

I read it when I was a teenager and into Tolkien and D&D - back in the bad old days when D&D’ers were mostly high school and university-types, and those that played were considered half a step away from being Satan-worshippers, as opposed to just being “geeks” today lol.

10

Valley Elf

  Valley Elf,
  He's a Valley Elf,
  Valley Elf,
  He's a Valley Elf...

So cool, so fair,
With chartreuse hair,
So young, secure –

“Fer sure, fer sure,
like, oh, man, I was really down today,
like, sooo down,
I almost flunked archery today,
I was blitzed totally, it was
wrong. Like, I wore my elven cloak
into the dungeon, y’know, and it got all
grody with, wow, like
spider webs and green slime all over it,
like yucko, like
when I saw it when we got out I thought, oh,
gag me with a wand,
it was grody to the max, just psionic, like,
and I had to clean it, oh,
gross me out, man.
Totally awesome. I hate to go in dungeons,
they are so rank, and some of the monsters just like
freak me out, man, like, totally
disgusting, barf city man, it was so gross
that I thought, like, Hey, keep away from me, man!
Like no way I’m gonna ever even use my sword
on you, I just waxed it, y’know, like
gag me with a mace.”

  Valley Elf,
  He's a Valley Elf,
  Valley Elf,
  He's a Valley Elf...

North of Geoff, South of Ket,
By the River Javan wet,
Living with the stubby gnomes,
The Valley Elves do make their homes.

“Sure, totally, y’know, I had a dog, man,
a cooshee, like he was special,
a Gucci cooshee poochie,
he had designer genes, like, really rare,
he was just awesome, but not too housebroken.
I had to clean up after him, and that was like grody,
just gross to the max, but, wow,
like, no biggie, cuz he was my
dog, y’know, but he’s gone now, totally, see,
I met the mage the other day, and, wow, man,
the mage has got like no,
totally no sense of humor. Like, I made a joke,
y’know, I thought it was super,
like, I saw the mage and said like, hey,
we’re in the Valley of the Jolly,
like, Ho Ho Ho, Green Valley Mage,
just like the freakin’ commercials,
but he just looked at me, like wow,
he must have really been out of it, man,
like he was so out of it he threw
one of those, like, meteor swarms at me, it was just
awesome, I mean it was just, oh wow man, it was
astral, and it missed me and hit my dog,
my designer dog, like,
crispy critter city,
I was really bummed out, really bad like.”

  Valley Elf,
  He's just a Valley Elf,
  Valley Elf,
  He's just a Valley Elf...

He’s a super Valley Elf,
So chaotic, sure of self,
Tall and thin and fair of face,
His brain is lost in outer space.

“Oh, super, like I live in the
good part of the Valley,
y’know, where we’re all into, like,
real ethereal things, like
I got a set of designer ring mail
for my birthday, I was totally
freaked out, like, my old set was getting
full of wrinkles and it had
blood on it from where I cut myself
with my short sword, yeah, really, like
agony, man. I was in total agony
for an hour. Really,
but now I’m together, like,
fer sure, no problem.
That was close, man,
like I was so sure I was gonna
pass out fer sure,
I lucked totally.
Good thing.”
(Totally written by some gamers
in, like, Kentucky, man,
who don’t want their names used.
Fer sure.)

this kicked around in the Awesome 80s, among D&Ders.

Fer shur!

11

I posted this originally in the ‘Had Tolkien been written by someone else’ thread:

Once a jolly wizard camped by a dwarven mine,
Under the shade of the mountains misty,
And he sang as he watched and waited 'til his password worked,
“Who’ll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?
Ring-bearing Frodo, Ring-bearing Frodo,
Who’ll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?”
And he sang as he watched and waited 'til his password worked,
Who’ll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?"

Down came a monster to grab at that Ring-bearer:
Up jumped Lego-las and loaded his bow with glee,
And he sang as he fired all his arrows at that mo-onster,
“Who’ll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?
Ring-bearing Frodo, Ring-bearing Frodo,
Who’ll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?”
And he sang as he fired all his arrows at that mo-onster,
Who’ll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?"

Up came a Numorean, carrying his broken sword;
Down came the hobbits, one, two, three:
"Where’s that coat of mithril you’ve got underneath your shirt?
“Who’ll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?
Ring-bearing Frodo, Ring-bearing Frodo,
Who’ll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?”
“Where’s that coat of mithril you’ve got underneath your shirt?
Who’ll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?”

Up jumped the pony Bill and fled from the scene quickly;
“You’ll never take me in there!” thought he;
And his neighs may be heard as you pass by that dwarven mine,
“Who’ll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?
Ring-bearing Frodo, Ring-bearing Frodo,
Who’ll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?”
And his neighs may be heard as you pass by that dwarven mine,
Who’ll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?"

Apologies to A.B. “Banjo” Paterson

12

There were Ents, Ents, putting up some tents
In the Shire, in the Shire,
There were Ents, Ents, putting up some tents
In the hobbits’ dear old Shire!
My Eye is red, I cannot see,
I have not got my Ring with me,
I have no-ot got my-y Ring with me!

There was Sam, Sam, eating eggs and ham
In the Shire, in the Shire…

There was Merry, Merry, with a glass of sherry,
In the Shire, in the Shire…

There was Gollum, Gollum, looking rather solemn
In the Shire, in the Shire…

There were Orcs, Orcs, stealing all the forks
In the Shire, in the Shire…

(etc., etc., etc.)

13

(This was the first one I wrote for that other thread. I’ve revised it slightly since then.)

“THE AGE IT IS A-CHANGIN’”
by Hob Dylan

Come gather ‘round Hobbits wherever you roam
And admit that the ruffians
Around you have grown
And accept it that you’ll be
Turned out of your homes
If your Shire to you is worth savin’
Then you better start scourin’
Or you’ll sink like Orod-na-Thôn
For the Age it is a-changin’

Come seers like Malbeth who prophesize in verse
And keep your eyes wide
The Dead are under a curse
And don’t speak too soon
For Mount Doom’s going to burst
And there’s no tellin’ who that it’s flamin’
For the Orc-hordes now
Will get beaten the worst
For the Age it is a-changin’

Come Rohirrim, Dunlendings, please heed the call
Leave your weapons at the doorway of the Golden Hall
For he that does not
Must clean the Mearas’ stalls
There’s a battle outside
And it’s ragin’
It’ll soon ram your gates
And batter your walls
For the Age it is a-changin’

Come Sackvilles and Proudfoots
Throughout the land
And don’t criticize
What you can’t understand
Your Tooks and your Gamgees
Are beyond your command
The old road goes ever on and on
Please get out of the new one
If you can’t fight Sauron
For the Age it is a-changin’

The white wizard’s Gandalf
The brown’s Radagast
Elessar will return
And rebuild Fornost
As the present now
Will later be past
The Elves are rapidly fadin’
And the One Ring into
Mount Doom will be tossed
For the Age it is a-changin’

14

Amazing. :cool:

15

Harvard Lampoon was the ‘parent’ so to speak of National Lampoon. The satire “Bored of the Rings” is a true classic of silliness and best read while under the influence of pipeweed. Here is a little ditty from that august publication:

16

There are some good onesin the Mad Magazine parody “The Ring and I.”

17

Then there’s:

I’ll sing you one-oh (High fly the Nazgul-oh!)
What is your one-oh?
One is the One Ring, Lord of All, that was destroyed by Frodo.

I’ll sing you two-oh (High fly the Nazgul-oh!)
What is your two-oh?
Two, two the towers tall of the Sun and Moon-i-oh,
One is the One Ring, Lord of All, that was destroyed by Frodo.

I’ll sing you three-oh (High fly the Nazgul-oh!)
What is your three-oh?
Three, three, the Elf-Rings!
Two, two the towers tall of the Sun and Moon-i-oh,
One is the One Ring, Lord of All, that was destroyed by Frodo.

I’ll sing you four-oh (High fly the Nazgul-oh!)
What is your four-oh?
Four for the four brave hobbits,
Three, three, the Elf-Rings!
Two, two the towers tall of the Sun and Moon-i-oh,
One is the One Ring, Lord of All, that was destroyed by Frodo.

I’ll sing you five-oh (High fly the Nazgul-oh!)
What is your five-oh?
Five for the five Istari, and
Four for the four brave hobbits,
Three, three, the Elf-Rings!
Two, two the towers tall of the Sun and Moon-i-oh,
One is the One Ring, Lord of All, that was destroyed by Frodo.

(It’s been a long time and I cannot remember the rest of the verses, though you could have:
Six for the teeth in Gollum’s mouth
Seven for the mighty Dwarf-lords
Eight for…?
Nine for the Nine Black Riders

and the rest are up to you)

18

All the sneaky hobbits (All the sneaky hobbits)
All the sneaky hobbits (All the sneaky hobbits)
All the sneaky hobbits (All the sneaky hobbits)
All the sneaky hobbits
Now put your hands out

Cause if you’re hiding then you better put a ring on it
If you’re hiding then you better put a ring on it
Unless you’re hiding from the nazgul then don’t do that
But if you’re hiding from the orcs put a ring on it

Wuh uh oh uh uh oh oh uh oh uh uh oh
Wuh uh oh uh uh oh oh uh oh uh uh oh

19

That’s great TBG!