Helen, no matter what else you do, you and your husband need to go to the doctor and get a complete STD screening. You don’t want something like that to sabotage your reunion once it’s underway. I know I sound paranoid, but the risks these days are very real.
Congrats on having the outcome of this conversation be so satisfying for you. I hope things work out as you hope they will.
Psst, Ruby…
You know how sometimes in a movie you think you know how it’s going to end? Either one way or the other? And then it doesn’t end that way, and in fact ends in a way that you hadn’t even thought of, and yet you’re more satisfied than if it had ended the way you expected? Yeah, this is like that.
Helen, seriously, you’re the shit. (My younger sister tells me thats good!). I’ll echo the other posters. I hope you stick around for a long time. Stay strong.
BTW, you can keep the leftover Hawaiian Punch.
:gulp:
Left…over?
:hides can behind her back:
Ummm…Crazy?
That wasn’t Hawaiian Punch.
Ava
Say, Helen, who’s that old guy in your front window?
He seems to be calling someone.
Did anybody verify this address?
Thank God he said “camera”.
forgive the presumption, but he/she would have ruined the gag
Good on you, Helen.
Pash
Congrats Helen. Sounds like you’ve made excellent choices.
Remember, you can end this when you choose, if you choose to. I’ve been in the “hanging” period - it isn’t easy and you’ll need strength. But if its too exhausting, its ok to say he isn’t worth it.
In addition to couples counseling, you might want to see a counselor on your own. IME, there are things that YOU will need to take care of for YOU that he doesn’t need to be a part of.
BTW, I hope this works out better for you than it did for me. I took my husband back after the first affair - with counseling, STD checks, a period of him living alone. Two years later he left me for a different other woman. By then, it was sort of a relief when he decided he needed to go. BTW, he and the other woman are still married - though I understand they both still cheat on each other. The first affair seems similar to yours - i.e. I think she wanted my “stuff” as much as she wanted by husband - not realizing the “stuff” was bought and paid for by me. The second one must have really wanted him, though, he walked out without asking for (or me even hearing she was pushing for - we have friends in common) any of our “stuff”. But I don’t regret giving it a go - if only to prove to myself that I wasn’t just giving up when it got rough.
Congrats Helen, you did great. I wish you happiness.
:: cleaning up the empty bottles but leaving the cookies Cinnamon girl left:: 
Kudos to you Helen for dealing with a horrible situation in a fine way indeed.
I think I envy you.
My marriage didn’t survive and I have no idea if it’s because I didn’t have the strength you’ve shown or if it’s because I never had the chance (thanks to the other half of the marriage), and even though I am much happier now than I ever was in that marriage I do regret that a family was destroyed. That family can never be regained. You’ve got an opportunity to keep your family intact and that’s worth a lot.
The very best of wishes to you
Been reading this thread. Helen I think you’ve done great. You know what you want to happen and you’re sticking to your guns. I hope it all works out for you.
Well. That was a more positive outcome than I’d expected.
Good for you, Helen, for laying down some pretty tough guidelines. This may be the beginning of the end for you two, or it may be the beginning of the new beginning. Much will depend on him and his true willingness to follow through and to do what the therapist suggests.
This board is a great support. I was in a situation much like yours (not so much the other woman, just a jerk husband, trial separation, counseling, etc.) and I am still, to this day, stunned and overwhelmed by the love and support I received here when I went through my breakup and divorce. When I’m feeling a little down about it all, I go back and read the threads I started, and it warms me right up.
Stay strong. I’m always available by email if you need to chat or vent.
And yes, there was a moment during Dr. Phil yesterday when I wondered…but overall, you seem to be more on top of this than the Dr. Phil wife did.
Good job. Hang in there.
Best,
karol
HT, your sense of reasoning and the steps to be taken to reconcile your marraiage cannot be praised enough. You remind me of my mother (that I described earlier in this thread - kinda lengthy) when you made it clear to take control of the situation and make it better for all concerned. I shall say a prayer this Sunday in church for the success of your family and also for a positive outcome of the woman and her soon to be child. From here on out, nobody can ever say that you didn’t try to keep the marriage intact and strengthen it. You made my day, and I even don’t know you!
He shouldn’t be the only one to go to the doctor. Men can be carriers for diseases and show no visible symptoms; women can also have STDs and not know they have them, including flare-ups of herpes, warts, stuff like that. They both need a complete workup now and again in 6 months. This includes HIV and Hep tests for both of them. This is SOP when a person has unprotected sex.
That’s the beauty of it…it would be “tough” if he half-heartedly observes the guidelines, and HT would see right through that. But if her husband truly wants reconciliation like she does, then these guidelines will be much easier for him and she’ll see that too. Very smart to go this route rather than go through a divorce first and then question loyalties/love later.
Helen, it sounds like you handled things perfectly. You’ve got Plan A, Plan B and I’ll bet there’s a Plan C somewhere there, too. You have maintained your dignity and self-respect, while still trying to forgive and move forward and that is a great role model for your daughter.
I agree with the poster who said that before you make any legal promises to the woman, you find out for sure that she is indeed pregnant and it is his baby. But I’m betting you’ve already thought of that.
I’ve got to ask (and certainly you don’t need to answer!), what was her reaction to his call? Do you think he had given her any indication beforehand that that would be his stance?
Wow. I think that was the best possible outcome for your conversation, Helen. I’m very impressed, and wish you all the best as you move forward.
Helen, I’m so glad for you that you have regained an equal footing in this relationship. I do hope that he meant what he said and that you will be able to move forward as a united family, for everyone’s sake.
If he does eventually move back in, I would make clear to him that slurking off for days at a time “to think things over” is not an acceptable way to deal with problems in the future. It’s too emotionally draining on you and your daughter to wonder where he is and who he’s talking to (or sleeping with). I can’t imagine how you were able to go to work the last few days, but his method of resolving problems – to disappear for three of four days – is patently unfair, especially given that he’s just come off an affair. I’ve had plenty of fights in my 15 years of marriage and not once did I (or he) feel the need to sleep under another roof. Another bed? Sure. But a bed in OUR house, not someone else’s.
Good on you, Helen! I don’t have any advice to add, but I’ll be rooting for you throughout this whole ordeal.
HelenTroy you are some lady.
Much respect for dealing with this in the classy, mature, intelligent and sensible way you have.
I really hope that things work out for you, but you can at least be sure that you’ve done exactly the right thing, no matter what anyone else has done.
Kudos, you rock!