I would just like to point out that you should not change the locks until told by your lawyer tha it’s ok to do that.
It may still legally be you husband’s property.
Keep everything you do above board.
Oh, son of a bitch.
I just snorted Coke (the DRINK) all over my keyboard.
Helen, you are my new idol. There aren’t enough words for the respect and admiration I have for you.
Ava
I am sure your mother is a wonderful woman. So was your husband, for 8 years, until this episode occurred. While I understand your resentment and current zeal for revenge, I wonder about the eventual outcome if you go through a temporary separation for a few months. That does not mean that you are making yourself “open to anything”. It would give both of you a “cooling off” period to determine what is the most important thing for the future of all of you – yourself, him, your daughter and , yes, the other woman. As for your Mom’s “moral standing on issues”, I wonder if she is that much into vengeance against her son-in-law as you sound to be during this “heated reactionary period”. After all, what horrible thing has the man done – except loving another human being? On his side of the story, he probably never wanted to see you or your daughter hurt in any way. Just imagine how bad he feels about the situation.
.
It could be your bruised ego that interprets “he plotted” against you and against his child. If we could hear his side of the story, he probably wanted to keep everyone happy, including the other woman, until he’d sort out how to resolve the problem to everyone’s satisfaction.
Which was (and probably is) what he wants to do, if you give him some time. Tell him to clear off for a few months, and tell your daughter that Daddy is on a 3 month assignment overseas.
Which shows he loves his family and wants to have a warm relationship with both you and his/your daughter.
First of all your daughter is as much his child as yours. He did not do anything bad to the 3 year old, based on your description of events. In fact, he seems to have been a nice Dad. It is your ego and jealousy that is turning him into a demon. The little 3 year old does not know what is going on unless YOU turn the whole thing into a huge fiasco and a crisis at home – which appears what you have done. No 3-year old sits up at night waiting for Daddy to come home, especially if you tell them that Dad is away on business. From your husband’s side of the story, he most likely wanted to see peace and calm for everyone, especially for your daughter.
I see a lot of anger on your side, and probably rightly so. Obviously your ego has been badly bruised, and you need anger management. That is why perhaps a temporary separation could probably cool things off, and will allow you time to implement decisions with cooler heads and a more mature outlook on life.
Wake Up call:
Fuck off already. You’re violating rule #1. You’re a moron. You’re an asshole. You’re a sexist, patronizing prick and you don’t know shit about relationships.
Now go back to one of your bookmarked porn sites and leave the adults alone.
Okay, if I may just address this one point: Why did he not break off with the other woman when he got caught? The answer is that he planned to go on fucking her. Not that he was carefully arranging things to benefit Helen or her child.
Y’know, having a Dad can be good, but some Dads are worse than none at all. Why do some people think bad marriages involving kids must be saved at any cost?
May I suggest that folks don’t respond to him, and he’ll go away for lack of excitement? He’s probably thrilled that this thread has become all about him.
Daniel
Wake up call, it strikes me that you may have missed post #284. Please make sure you have.
He feels so bad that he slept with her one night, then went to sleep with the other woman the next day. Oh, yeah. He feels real fucking bad.
Bull-fucking-shit. He was telling both of them what he thought they wanted to hear, and it fucking backfired on him.
He loves his family so much that he screwed around on them. Yeah, that’s love.
Someone who wants to see peace and calm for his family doesn’t continue to fuck it up by fucking the woman who started the whole damn thing.
Mother of pearl, are you for real? A bruised ego? Anger management? Personally, I think Helen’s handling this with a lot more panache and grace than I would have handled it. Her husband has done nothing but CONTINUE to fuck her over left and right, literally AND figuratively. And she’s the one who needs anger management?
You’ve never been married, have you? I know if my husband ever chose to break our marriage vows, I’d be more than angry. I’d be devastated. We took those vows seriously, and so did Helen. Apparently, her husband didn’t. She deserves everything she can get for the emotional turmoil he’s put her and her daughter through.
Ava
Because that’s what their parents did, and look at the healthy, loving adults they turned into as a result. :dubious:
When my ex left me for another woman, I was devastated. When he came to me a few months later and asked my permission for him to be “boyfriend/girlfriend” with her in front of my kids, I gave it. He was, of course, surprised. I explained that I want nothing more than for my kids to see examples of honest, affectionate, open love, rather than the dysfunction that we had started to show them.
Call your lawyer now, then.
I see no reason not to change the locks - even if it is his property, if they are in the stage of a legal separation, it’s not something unreasonable to do. She has no way of knowing who else might have that key, given the amount of lying that has come from his LCB brain.
Just a strategic issue, you need to separate out your justified anger at his antics, from the most efficient way to conduct the divorce. If you are in a no fault state his cheating will have little to no impact on any child support and property division settlements. In those situations the state guidelines will govern the vast majority of the way things are chopped up.
Lots of people think (and are sometimes encouraged by their lawyers in this belief) that they are going to beat the doodle out of their no good ex’s in court, and after sending many thousands of dollars on legal chest beating, discover that 90% the negotiated settlement is already set out in law. If you make more than he does, beyond the division of assets, the issues on the table are mainly going to be custody and child support which (in most states) are simply based on a relative (net) income table.
In fact, if you are so inclined, and you have both your tax returns, you can probably go to your state website and calculate the anticipated CS yourself with a fair degree of accuracy. If you re going to divorce, do it efficiently, and don’t get caught up in trying to “punish” him"legally. In most cases these days, if he has a decent attorney all you’re going to get is a yawn from his lawyer, and bill big from yours.
Look, Wake Up Call, I understand that you want to win the SDMB “Dumbest Post of the Year” Award[sup]TM[/sup], but there’s only one entry per user. I see that you are trying for two entries in this post alone, and I can only assume another 190 odd entries in various other posts. So, just one post per year, mmmmkay? There’s a good little fella.
Thought as much (old thread, don’t bump):
http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?p=3869339#post3869339
So, if you claim to be monogamous at the beginning of a relationship, and then later decide that monogamy is not your bag, the person you are involved with should just accept that?
Part of me is wishing this asshole to be completely stripped of everything he owns, and dumped by the other woman. The other part of me thinks how sad it is that this other woman’s child (if it exists) will have little to no financial support from this dad who’s 1) an asshole of the first water and 2) paying out most of his income to support child number 1. Unless of course, she sues for support, too, then it’ll all have to be worked out in court, I guess. Ugly situation, and he has no one to blame but himself.
Well…
I’ve always been appreciative of the comments by Lazarus Long, the protagonist in Heinlein’s Time Enough for Love: “The more you love, the more you can love. Love shared is love multiplied, not divided.” For instance, a mother’s love for a child does not subtract from her love for a husband; if anything, it increases it.
However, Wake Up Call, I would like to point out one little detail which you may have overlooked. Now pay attention:
Sex is NOT the same thing as love. The two are often intertwined but they are not identical. I repeat: Sex is NOT the same as love. If we need to go into what love actually is, we can take that to GD.
The issue here for HelenTroy is not that her Soon-To-Be-Ex had sex with another woman–she was ready to take him back, after all–but that, by lying to her and fraudulently manipulating her decisions, he has proved that he doesn’t love her and feels free to sacrifice her emotional and physical welfare to his own ends.
I’m already on record saying that hate destroys one’s own soul and I hope that HelenTroy comes through this heart-wrenching experience without hurting herself through hating. However, that does not mean that she shouldn’t protect herself and her daughter.
Which she seems to have every intention of doing. You go, girl!
Every Child Support guideline I’ve seen has had provisions for other children the paying parent has, for exactly that reason. Even if he and the mistress stay together, his financial obligations to the other child will be part of the equation when working out what his legal support obligations are to his first child.
Ahhhhhh Thanks ** TellMeI’mNotCrazy ** That explains a lot.
Dear WUC, this thread is not about people who had agreed to live a non-monogamous lifestyle and one changing their mind. Do you not have the first clue that your life is not for everyone ?
Do all of your partners know they are only one of a group and not the only one ?
Helen did not enter into a relationship that was open or don’t you get that ? I have no problem with people who want open relationships, unless they want to include me because this girl doesn’t play that way.
If that is what lcb wanted I think Helen would have gladly released him to go forth and fuck like a mad bunny till his eyes fell out . Only without her as his wife.
The woman has said her vows meant somthing to her. Why is that so hard for you to understand. Just because HE may want to live that life does not mean SHE has too.
Open relationships are just that, open everyone knows the rules up front, if they don’t want that they can choose to say nope sorry not for me and move on. That is the only way it is ok to have sex with someone not your spouse (when you are married, let’s stick to the can of worms, or lcbs we have before us) if you KNOW with no doubt the spouse is agreeable with it. I might add that BOTH parties should have that right in an open relationship.
Man you are unbelieveable, now please get the fuck off Helen’s back, her life style isn’t yours.
Hear hear.
So, Helen, what’s going on with you? When’s the next meeting with your lawyer? How are you handling things with your daughter when she asks where Daddy is?
[QUOTE=Satyagrahil
The issue here for HelenTroy is not that her Soon-To-Be-Ex had sex with another woman–she was ready to take him back, after all–but that, by lying to her and fraudulently manipulating her decisions, he has proved that he doesn’t love her and feels free to sacrifice her emotional and physical welfare to his own ends.
[/QUOTE]
And we have a winner!
You’ll excuse me, but, I refuse to respond further to WakeupCall. HIs lifestyle choice is his own and I can respect that (although he apparently has issues with mine). I will only say that it’s the lies. In the end the lies will ruin any relationship.