Tonight, I became a badass

Well, I took the bus to Wegman’s tonight. It broke down on the way back, but that’s a whole 'nother thread. As I’m driving my back yard fence on wheels around the MegaWeg sliding totally unnecessary ammounts of canned soup and Beefaroni into it by the armful, cruising down the snacks isle to pluck a bag of doritos or two, I come accross a Shitload of Heinekin.

Mmmmmmmmmm. Heinekin is my favorite beer. But alas, I’m not yet 21. It’s the rommie’s responsibility to get beer. Except he always gets shitty beer. And we’re almost out of beer. I could really use a beer tonight. So I grabs a case of Heinekin. (Bottles, mind you.)

I proceed to the check-out, and look for the younges, most mid-pubescent, pathetic, pimple-faced, tired cashier there. I found one that reminded me in an instant of the movie theater usher on The Simpsons.

Plan A: He won’t ask for ID; I’m golden.
Plan B: You’ll see.

So he checks off my ten thousand cands of Beefaroni and chicken noodle soup, a couple boxes of Cheerios, bags o’doritos, and a pack of Juicy Fruit.

I put on my sunglasses, because it’s night, and I’m inside, and that’s the badass thing to do.

“I need to see some ID, please, sir.”

Well, so much for Plan A.

So I take out my wallet, and hand him my license, with a $10 bill folded underneath.

He looks at my license.

He looks at me.

He rubs the bill.

He looks confused.

He looks at the license again, making sure he got the date right.

Then he realizes why there’s a $10 bill under there.

Then he smiles at me, and checks the beer, making a totally failed attempt at non chalance while he pockets the 10.

I’m sucking on a Heinekin. And damn is it good.

Balls of steel. That’s all I can say. Balls of steel.

And besides, you paid way too much for beer.

But since it was Heinie, I guess I can understand.


Nice one.
My former roommate, Molly, is a badass. When we moved into our first place in D.C. we signed up for cable. When the guy came to set it up, she slinked up to him wearing one of those itty-bitty tank tops that showed off her navel ring, handed him $50, and said “Thanks so much for coming out here on a Saturday, we appreciate it.” Then she gave him a big, sweet smile and shimmied away.

Our cable plan? HBO, Showtime, Skinemax, EVERYTHING.
Our cable bill? The plan that gives you the same channels you get without cable.

I love Molly!

Badass? Let me tell you about when I was underage…

I was renowned in my circle of friends for having a gift, the gift of talking down any clerk bent on needing my ID. I never once had to resort to bribing. I was the master. I devised intricate plots and scenarios intended to confuse the cashier so that they would break. When I was in my mode, I merely had to look the clerk directly in the eye and say, “My drivers license is in the car, must I really go get it?” and they would succumb.

I used my powers for good, as well. After I went to college and didn’t work at the Kum & Go anymore, my old boss would have me come back and attempt to buy beer from the store, to check to make sure the clerks were IDing and enforcing the rules. I never failed, and it was probably unfair to send me, those poor clerks were like lambs to the slaughter.

It’s funny, now that I’m over 21 and don’t have to put any effort into buying liquor, I’m constantly carded. I’m even carded for cigarettes.