Top 20 reasons I didn't murder anybody in 2000

In My Humble Opinion
1

In no particular order:
[ul][li]Gluecifer & Gaza Strippers @ Empty Bottle[/li][li]Gil Mantera’s Party Dream @ Little Brother’s, Columbus OH.[/li][li]The Onyas, the Black Trans Ams (blush), and Space Wanker 5000 @ the Union, Athens OH.[/li][li]The Catheters @ Southgate House, Newport KY.[/li][li]The New Bomb Turks @ Southgate House, Newport KY.[/li][li]Crimson Sweet & the Socials @ the Electric Company, Cincinnati.[/li][li]The Shams @ varied venues, Cincinnati.[/li][li]discovering Them Wranch & Space Wanker 5000.[/li][li]re-discovering Geraldine.[/li][li]Candysnatchers: “Color Me Blood Red” LP.[/li][li]Socials: “U Dance U Die” CD.[/li][li]TURBONEGRO: “Hot Cars & Spent Contraceptives” LP reissue.[/li][li]TURBONEGRO: “Darkness Forever!” 2xLP.[/li][li]New Bomb Turks: “Nightmare Scenario” LP.[/li][li]Brother Brick “the Same” b/w “Chip on My Shoulder.”[/li][li]The rest of the Rockin House Records catalog…[/li][li]Zen Guerrilla: “Trance States in Tounges” LP (ok it’s technically 1999, but I just got around to picking it up.)[/li][li]Chicago Italian Beef.[/li][li]Steel Reserve.[/li][li]Getting free records that I never review.[/li][/ul]

Howbout you?

2

Top 10 Reasons nobody died at the hands of the Frog this year:

  1. Attention Deficit Disorder + 5 day waiting period to buy firearm = Lost interest in kil - hey, it’s snowing, let’s go outside!

  2. Too busy masturbating while watching lesbian porn

  3. I’m was going to kill that one guy, but I just needed to finish out the baseball season in Triple Play 2001.

  4. Finished the baseball season, gonna kill that guy as soon as I finish playing Spyro the Dragon.

  5. Done with Spyro, gonna kill the guy just as soon as I’m done with Final Fantasy 8.

  6. Done with FF8. Forgot what I was going to do.

  7. Too busy coming up with an explanation for my GF as to why I have so much lesbian porn in the house.

  8. Too damn lazy to want to get off the couch and walk to that side of the room.

  9. There’s that whole religious “Thou shalt not kill” thing.

  10. Don’t want to include the term “prison bitch” on a resume.

3

Ok. I’ll play your little game.

  1. Afraid of being shunned by my classmates. (Ha.)

  2. Don’t own a gun.

  3. Moral reasons. (This has to go somewhere!)

  4. Lack of a chainsaw.
    If you have to do it, do it in style.

  5. No real stimulation. (No satanic music saying “KILL KILL KILL”, no Thomas Harris books with graphic killing descriptions anymore.)

  6. I’m afraid that if i do it, the person i love and admire most will get framed for it.

  7. Ethical reasons.

  8. Its hard to get into college if you’ve got “Killed a man” on your transcripts.

  9. I heard rumors that Eminem had already died and threw away my steak knife.

  10. Can’t find any cool music to play in the background while I do it.

4

[ul][li]There was this one damn anthro paper…[/li][li]You can’t go to Dar Williams concerts in prison[/li][li]Quietgirl doesn’t believe in violence. Well, unless the bastard had it coming to them.[/li][li]The lesbians in prison are icky.[/li][li]My thread on how to commit the perfect murder got locked. <glares at mods>[/li][li]Do you know how hard it is to shave a goat?[/li][li]The all night marathon of anime erotica was just too… engrossing…[/li][li]No Buffy the Vampire Slayer in prison.[/li][li]Murder is so mundane. I’d find something far more devious.[/li][li]The ULVAN can’t run itself without me.[/li][li]Being a gay serial killer is simply passe.[/li][li]I’m too busy trying to figure how to seduce a certain doper.[/li][li]The last time I wished someone dead, he did die. Creeped me out enough, thanksmuch.[/li][li]I couldn’t get the special order harpoon with the limited edition extendo-gut.[/li][li]You can’t get up a good kill impulse from listening to folk and jazz.[/li][li]My pictures of the mod orgy didn’t come out so I can’t include blackmail as part of the plot.[/li][li]And even when you have shaved the goat, getting the cattle prostate is a bitch.[/li][/ul]

5

Do you mean prostate or prostrate? Cuz carrying around a cattle prostate - that’s just wrong.

6

#1: High school ended almost a decade ago.
#2: See #1
#3: Plus I think they all left for the mainland already.

Kami-sama bless us everyone… :wink:

7

Didn’t you know that I’m insidious, Crunchy?

8

Well for God’s sake, andygirl, at least tell me you wash your hands when you’re finshed with . . . whatever.

9

Just showered, Crunchy.

Please note that it’s the reasons that I didn’t kill someone, though. :wink:

10

  1. I don’t have any murder weapon on me.

  2. There isn’t any murder weapon in my house anywhere.

  3. Or my car.

  4. I have an unbreakable alibi.

  5. None of my fingerprints, hair, or bodily fluids were found at the scene.

  6. They never even found the body.

  7. I had a perfectly valid reason for buying a wood chipper.

  8. And I had a perfectly valid reason for selling it on eBay to that guy in Uzbekistan when I was finished with it.

  9. That one witness who claimed he saw me the night of the murder has vanished and is no longer available to testify.

  10. That glove didn’t even fit me.

11

Well, let’s see:

  1. I have an enormous amount of firepower.

  2. I know very well how to use it, and am a good shot.

  3. Being a Mechanical Engineer specializing in combustion, I know how to make bombs.

  4. I have been sad and depressed all year.

  5. People at work hate me.

  6. I have nothing to lose.

  7. No one would care for more than 1 month if I died.

  8. The Board will do just fine without me.

  9. My cats are covered in my will.

  10. The people who abused me when I was young live just 10 minutes away.

Wait a minute…on second thought, why on Earth haven’t I murdered anyone in 2000? Wait…there’s still time…

12

But who will answer our questions about coal?

13

Lesbians and Chicago beef sandwiches keep me sated.

Anthracite, I’d miss you. Don’t go.

14

Guys! I’m not going anywhere! I’m just posting to this thread, in the same vein as the previous posts! Do not fear for…wait…oh shit, well, the Black Helicopters have finally come, so it’s time to run and hide from the Water Militia before the Race Wars bring the New World Order to power…do I hear the sound of gunfire at the prison gate? Are the liberators here? Do I hope or do I fear?[sup]1[/sup] Am I going crazy? What did you say, Mr. Black Dog? It’s time to cleanse the city? Well, OK, if I must…

(walks off, whistling the theme from “Falling Down”…)

[sub]1) Shameless lifting of Rush lyrics. Coldfire would be so proud…[/sub]

15

I think my number-one reason is that deep down inside I worry that I’d never actually be sorry about it. Sure, I’d be irritated with the imprisonment, and I’d miss my family, and it’d be embarrassing and shameful and all. But I’m not sure I’d actually feel remorse. That’s too creepy to find the truth out about.

The person who I could most easily imagine killing? That carjacker in MO who stole the car–and drove off with the little boy entangled in the seatbelt, dragging on the pavement. That’s when I started to wonder about my Remorse Gene…

16

oooh I’d pull the trigger w/o a seconds thought

For me:

  1. my kids
  2. my kids
  3. my kids
  4. my kids
  5. my kids
  6. my kids
  7. My kids
  8. OZ ( that show scares she shit out of me)
  9. SDMB not avail in prison
  10. no opportunity
17
  1. I already have a high-tech background and making license plates would be a career downshift.
  2. To get on TV, I’d have to do someone really famous and there aren’t any really famous people in Spokane, WA.
  3. Who would feed my cats for twenty-five to life?
  4. I’m afraid I’d get the bonehead defense attorney I saw when I did jury duty. (Jeezus, the guy was stupid.)
  5. I’m white and couldn’t turn the spotlight on Mark Furman.
  6. A decent handgun costs three, four hundred bucks or more, and putting someone’s eye out with a BB gun just doesn’t have the same cachet.
  7. I want that Russell Crowe guy to play me in the movie adaptation, but I hear he’s booked for quite a while.
  8. I was planning to kill the Pope, but the old fart reportedly lives in some place called “Italy” and I probably don’t have enough frequent-flier miles to get to this “Italy” place.
  9. Prison life. Yuck. The only big-long-and-brown thing I want in my butt is yesterday’s meals.
  10. I’m pacing myself. Watch for me in 2002.
18

Crunchy Frog wrote:

I can’t seem to find an “Attention Deficit Disorder +5” in the Dungeon Master’s Guide magic item lists anywhere. Should I be looking under weapons, armor, miscellaneous magic, or artifacts-and-relics?

19

for a grand, on the Internet!

20
  1. What would I do without the SDMB?
  2. I’d get killed in prison, I just can’t shut up
  3. No guys in prison and turning lesbian just doesn’t appeal to me.
  4. I’ve got more forgiving so the only guy I should hate is the one I love, damn no convenient victims.
  5. Why kill when you can torture?
  6. Prison would be just like CAMS but at least my school has decent sports, who would teach those prep schools how to lose if I went to kill someone?
  7. my best friend won’t let me
  8. my ex boyfriends hold me back from hurting/killing/maiming.
  9. Who else would question authority at school? Yes, Mr Almeida, you are an incompetent idiot, now may I talk to you like one? Yes, the person with the crown is the king, see the name tag?
  10. No Disney in prison

Kitty