Top 5 Regrets of the Dying - Will they be yours?

How many people outside Psychology/Psychiatry use the concept of “allowing” oneself to be “happy”?

“Gee, I wished I weren’t so depressed/ depressed so often”, or “I wish I could see life more positively” - yes, I can see normal folks saying.

“allowed myself to be happy”? Not so much.

What happened to "wished I had spent more time pursuing what I could have instead of what I did?

I have no friends, and never had much chance - I moved at age 12, again at 21, and then 2000 miles at age 30. My career was short-term contracts - met new people each new shop, had little time to get close before jumping into the next alligator pit.

The other 4? Hell no - those are exactly the things I consciously avoided - I made enough money to do pretty much what I wanted, when I wanted.

For those who decided to forgo the present so as to have enough for a comfortable retirement:
hope you health held out, and you find watching the surfers as pleasurable as you would have found surfing 40 years ago.

When I was into Alpine (downhill) skiing, there was an old guy bare-chested out on the beginner slope. Some derided him; my comments was" “When I’m his age, I hope I’m in as good a shape as he is”.
Bless you, old boy - hope you died doing something you loved.

My only regret is that I didn’t travel more, back when I could afford it, and when walking was easier.

If the nurse is asking the dying what they regret, I think that’s kinda assholish. If they want to talk about past mistakes, let them, but I think it’s mean to get them thinking about something they can’t do over.

The person to whom I was directing my remark, of course.

Oddly, I do not see “remarkable clarity” in that review* that would permit a palliative care nurse to make the bald statement that “many” people developed diseases as the result of “suppressed feelings”. There is a lot of speculation for instance about cytokine production and the role it may have in some diseases, but not a whole lot of hard evidence.

We know for instance that long-standing high stress levels are a likely risk factor in heart disease - but it would be quite a jump to suggest that “suppressed feelings” make you more prone to a heart attack.

I think what likely set off Crawlspace is the idea that cancer (which a palliative care nurse would extensively deal with) is personality-related. There are woo-mongers, some well-intentioned, who insist not only that a “positive attitude” helps you beat cancer, but that lack of “positive attitude” and other supposedly desirable personality traits increases one’s risk of cancer. Not only has this not been shown to be true, it has the effect of trying to force patients into a certain mold and instilling guilt in them if they can’t accomplish a sunshiny outlook.

*"When a person is told they have cancer, they might find themselves wondering:

Did I bring the cancer on myself?
Can my emotions really make cancer grow or affect the outcome of my treatment?
Can I control the tumor growth by visualizing how my body is fighting the cancer or by thinking myself well?
Would relaxation or keeping a “positive attitude” help cure my cancer?

An important part of coping with a cancer diagnosis is recognizing emotions and feelings. Treatment that deals with our emotions and relationships (sometimes called psychosocial interventions) can help people with cancer feel more upbeat and have a better quality of life. But there’s no good evidence to support the idea that these interventions can reduce the risk of cancer, keep cancer from coming back, or help the person with cancer live longer. Still, things like group support, individual therapy, mindfulness, and relaxation techniques can be used to help reduce distress and cope with the emotions that come with a cancer diagnosis.
Personality traits and cancer

For many years there have been those who were convinced that people with certain personality types were more likely to get cancer. The common thought was that neurotic people and introverts were at the highest risk of cancer. Along with that, some believed that personality affected the outcome of cancer – the likelihood that a person with cancer might die.

Most of the study results on the subject tended to show no link between personality and cancer, but a few seemed to support the idea. Experts noted that many of these published studies were smaller, poorly designed, or not very well controlled. This means that their results were more likely to be due to bias or random chance. Also, some journals tended to publish the studies that suggested there was a link and reject those that showed no link. People are then more likely to read or hear about the few studies that seemed to show a link but not hear about those that didn’t show any link.

In 2010, the largest and best-designed scientific study to date was published. It looked at nearly 60,000 people, who were followed over time for a minimum of 30 years. This careful study controlled for smoking, alcohol use, and other known cancer risk factors. The study showed no link between personality and overall cancer risk. There was also no link between personality traits and cancer survival. "*

http://www.cancer.org/treatment/treatmentsandsideeffects/emotionalsideeffects/attitudes-and-cancer

*not that I do not have the utmost respect for any research performed at The Ohio State University. :smiley:

#1 for sure. Sort of depressing.

Kinda going with “I am what I am, it is what it is, and there is nothing I can do to change the fact I will die.”

I acknowledge that at any given time in my life I have either a) tried my best and b) when I have made mistakes I have tried to make amends.

Of course I could have done things differently, of course my life could have been completely different. Doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy the imperfect, flawed, not fully developed one I have already.

I made a promise to myself a long time ago to die without regrets. I can’t honestly say I will fully keep the promise, but I will come as close as I am able, and that will be fine.

It is unlikely I will regret anything listed in the OP, but I could see myself regretting how I take my health and self-sufficiency for granted. There will probably come a time when I’ll barely be able to climb out of the bed unassisted and even small tasks like using the bathroom will be huge complicated logistical affairs. I’ll be kicking myself for not savoring the freedom I have now.

I guess #4 applies to me, but I can’t think of any that I really want back in my life anyway.

For me, #1 is not even remotely a concern. (In fact, if I have any regrets on dying, it might be that life would be a hell of a lot easier if I did things the “normal” way instead of my way.)

2-5 all resonate to some degree.

In particular, I’m already regretting the amount of time I spend working (#2)… but I am hoping that my sacrifice of the last five or so years will yield benefits of working less (or enjoying my time more) later in life. If that works out, then I won’t really regret having paid my dues. If it doesn’t work, I’m going to be really, really pissed.

I think I’m a generally happy person, and have built a life that lets me be pretty happy. So, I don’t see any of these as areas where I’d have particularly strong regrets.

The only one which sticks out for me at all is #4, and even then, it’s a matter of “I’ve lost touch with certain friends, and I wish I were still in touch with them”. However, the internet, and Facebook, are amazing things, and I’ve been able to get back in touch with a number of once-lost friends over the past five years. It’s entirely possible that I may still track down some of those lost friends. But, beyond those, I have a large number of good friends with whom I’ve been in contact for 30 or 40 years, and it’s not an area that concerns me.

This isn’t to say that I may have no regrets when I go, but they’re more personal – mostly in the area of “roads not taken”, and romantic relationships that I wish had turned out differently.

There was a recent Straightdope thread on this:
What was one of the roads in life you chose not to travel?

I roll this way. Sounds like some kind of pap gurge, that she’s trying to pimp out. Stuff people want to hear, not what actually happens.
Kind of like Howard Hughes’ deathbed confession, or some such, about all his money being a curse, or some such nonsense.

I roll this way. Sounds like some kind of pap gurge, that she’s trying to pimp out. Stuff people want to hear, not what actually happens.
Kind of like Howard Hughes’ deathbed confession, or some such, about all his money being a curse, or some such nonsense.
Esp. the ‘express my feelings’ bit. Come on…keeping the peace is something to be scorned in favor of expressing feelings???
Made up, or else gleaned from some other sources. Next thing, the author will be writing about “10 Wondrous People Who Visited Me and Told Me the Secret to Love” or some other glurgefest lies.

Well, she spent years around people as they were dying, and came out with this Tuesdays with Morrie pap. I’ve spent a lot of time with people as they were dying, and I never heard anything like it. One guys had a big thing for reruns of The Nanny, another found it comforting for me to read the New Testament, etc. Like I said, people are in death pretty much as they are in life, especially as they’d been when they’d been sick. No magical transformation into reflective, spiritual beings. I guess if you were always prone to Hallmark Moment aphorisms all your life, maybe then you’d lay it on thick as you passed.

You other dopers who’ve been with the dying can confirm or refute this.

I agree, more or less. The insinuation I find reprehensible here is that the illnesses in the patients she was caring for were brought on by their unwillingness to eat, pray and love more.

Buckeyes?

Your liberal use and combinations of underline, italics, bold jogged my memory about your past posts and I have no interest in going down that rabbit hole. Suffice it to say: This review does not remotely, much less clearly back up the woo-filled claim that mental state causes - not exacerbates, but causes - illness. It highlights a link – a correlation, a “these things are happening at the same time, yo” – between negative mental state and increased M&M for pre-existing health problems. If you look at the full article (which runs just 17 pages, nowhere near 100) you’ll noticed it peppered with the subjunctive mood (could, might, likely, may) as any good paper postulating an as of yet still not conclusively proven theory based on observed correlation would do. And once again to emphasize: it’s citing correlation to bolster a hypothesis for causation, and it’s looking at outcomes for pre-existing medical conditions.

Interestingly, the disease mechanism they’re using to connect mental state to morbidity and mortality is inflammation. I say this is interesting because in the 12 years since they’ve published this review a competing, some would say more compelling theory has gained some favor. The theory being that mood disorders (and other mental illnesses) are themselves a reaction to inflammation and immune dysregulation. As it relates here, that would be to say that it’s not that people stand a higher risk of dying from heart disease/cancer/diabetes/whatever because their distressed or negative mental state is causing inflammation; rather the inflammation that is making them more likely to die is causing the distressed/negative mental state as well. :eek: Mind. Blown. :eek:

Regrets? I’ve had a few. But then again, too few to mention.

Seriously, sometimes I just sit and watch all the pics on my screen saver slide show and think what an astoundingly lucky bastard I am. I do regret every time I hurt someones feelings and hope that everyone knows I hold nothing against anyone and nobody holds anything against me but what are you going to do? Waste time crying about it? That I would regret.

I regret nothing. To do so would be to live in the past, which is pointless.

If that list is real (which I doubt) those people were stupid to spend their last few hours regretting their lives or things they didn’t do. But it makes sense if that’s your mindset I guess.

Who cares that you didn’t stay in touch with “friends” when you’re going to be dead in a few hours anyway? It’s not like they’re going to snub you in Heaven.

Interestingly, I took care of all of this this year except #4.

I left a job I hated (1, 2, 5), divorced a loveless wife (1, 3, 5), and am planning to move to a nicer place (1, 2, 3, 5).

What will my future bring? I’m looking at making sure that I get 1, 2, 3, and 5. I’m not sure if I will make new friends or keep my old ones at this point. I’ve always found friends to be a huge disappointment, probably because of 1-5. All my friends are just adapting to what life is giving them, not striving to get the most out of it. They marry the first person who says yes, they pop out kids without much thought, and most irritatingly, they settle for what they get. For most of the people I know, going to a new restaurant is the highlight of their month, or getting an iphone, or buying a used car.

One of my former coworkers called me “the bar” because I was always trying to raise it.

Hmmm … How about, “I wish I wasn’t so sick and dying”? Or, “I wish I was dead already because what’s left isn’t worth living through”?