Just long enough to lick Fortinbras’ boot.
After successfully detonating a single thermonuclear device on the surface of an asteroid the size of Texas to no noticeable effect, the asteroid sailed on past the Earth in a clean miss. Although the heroically-sacrificed lives of almost everybody involved in the mission were memorialized on a shrine by the wreckage of the Eiffel Tower, the astrophysicists in charge of plotting the asteroid’s trajectory were last seen monitoring air traffic at a remote station in Greenland.
Captain Renauld: It might be a good idea for you to disappear from Casablanca for a while. There’s a Free French garrison over at Brazzaville. I could be induced to arrange a passage.
Rick Blaine: No thanks, Louis. I’m going back to New York. Ilsa and I agreed to get back together once Victor was out of danger.
Winston Smith and Julia sat at the table, talking of the folly of their past love and wondering aloud how they could ever have let their petty feelings subvert their love of Big Brother, when suddenly a group of heavily armed men fell directly from the sky. They surrounded the two of them, their weapons pointing outwards, curiously.
“Who are you?” Winston asked. He was certain that this was the death that O’Brien has spoken of, the Party finally ending him once it had corrected his thoughts.
“We’re the Space Hippie Commandos,” explained the leader. "We’re here to rescue you two and take you to a nice seaside bungalow where you two will be able to love one another and be happy for your remaining years.
A group of menacing Party enforcers approached, weapons aimed. The Space Hippie Commandos turned their huge guns toward the enforcers and fired. Fire blazed from their weapons, the enforcers were wiped out to the last man, while the few rounds they were able to get off bounced harmlessly off the Commando’s shields.
“But we don’t love one another, we only want to serve the Party,” cried Julia and Winston in near-unison.
“That’s just the torture talking,” said the Space Hippie Commando. He hauled out a small pink pistol and shot them with it, but instead of bullets it emitted a gentle ray that left both Winston and Julia beaming happily, the evil things that O’Brien had done to their brains erased by the Love Gun.
“You’re just part of the mopping-up operation, but we know the victims of people like O’Brien … hey, there he is now!” get special treatment," said the lead Commando.
Two power-suited Space Hippie Commandos dragged O’Brien down the street. Smith and Julia could hear his plaintive cries … he was begging for mercy, pleading brokenly not to be hurt.
“We’ll give O’Brien a shot of the Love Gun … eventually … along with all the other Inner Party types. But after what they’ve put you and others through, they deserve to sweat,” said the Space Hippie Commando.
“Oh, that’s nice,” said Smith.
“Very nice,” agree Julia.
And so they all lived happily ever after, as the Space Hippie Marines dismantled all of the evil governments of the world and showed everyone that Love is better than Hatred and Fear.
Miracle Max: He probably owes you money huh? I’ll ask him.
Inigo Montoya: He’s dead. He can’t talk.
Miracle Max: Whoo-hoo-hoo, look who knows so much. It just so happens that your friend here is only MOSTLY dead. There’s a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive. With all dead, well, with all dead there’s usually only one thing you can do.
Inigo Montoya: What’s that?
Miracle Max: Go through his clothes and look for loose change. Now let’s see…oh. Yeah, you were right. Totally dead. But here’s a few coins!
Last night we watched How to Train Your Dragon with our five year old. At the end the Vikings have not only defeated the existential threat of the dragons but actually figured out how to ride them. I turned to my wife and said, “At long last, the Vikings turned their attention on Southern Europe.”
Ebeneezer Cooke uses a condom.
-
Ebenezer Scrooge awakens,finds that he is alive and safe and that it was all a dream. The very next day he fires Bob Cratchit for asking for another day off and proceeds to hire a clerk who is more dedicated.
-
Professor Humbert Humbert finds Clare Quilty in his mansion, draws his weapon and prepares to lecture him as to why he is going to kill him before he dies. Quilty, however, draws his own weapons and shoots first, mortally wounding Humbert.
As he lays on the floor dying, Humbert sees Lolita entering the room, look at him and then walk casually over to Clare Quilty and plant a lingering kiss on his mouth. She then looks at Humbert as he dies and then smiles.
- Giorgio fires at Nostromo, but he misses. Nostromo shouts “It’s me you old fool.”. Goirgio apologizes and then walks forward to assist him.Nostromo then draws his blade, stabs the old man and continues to collect the silver from the island. He buries Giorgio’s body on the island to conceal his crime.
He finally collects it all just as the lighthouse is finished and goes on to live a life of luxury, the source of wealth never being discovered.
“Hey, look, Marion!”
"And that’s when I realized, he was Keyser Soze all along!
“Luckily, he was, like, half a block from the station house. I had a cruiser pick him up. He’s doing life without parole in Joliet now.”
“John Doe’s effort to fulfill Envy was thwarted when Tracy turned out to be a black belt.”
“It’s full of stores!”
Bastian confesses to Carl Conrad Correander that he had stolen his book and lost it. Correander angrily denounces Bastian as a thief and tells him that he is lucky he doesn’t call the cops. “You’ll end up on the streets unless you change your ways. You mark my words,” he yells after the fleeing boy.
The end.
Bastian does end as a drug dealer, but this is another story and shall be told at another time.
Butch: This was Divine Intervention! You know what “divine intervention” is?
Sundance: Yeah, I think so. That means God came down from Heaven and stopped the bullets.
Butch: Yeah, man, that’s what it means. That’s exactly what it means! God came down from Heaven and stopped the bullets.
Sundance: I think we should be going now.
Butch: Don’t do that! Don’t you fucking do that! Don’t blow this shit off! What just happened was a fucking miracle!
Sundance: Chill the fuck out, Butch, this shit happens.
Butch: Wrong! Wrong, this shit doesn’t just happen.
Sundance: Do you wanna continue this theological discussion on the boat to Australia, or at the jailhouse with the cops?
Butch: We should be fuckin’ dead now, my friend! We just witnessed a miracle, and I want you to fucking acknowledge it!
Sundance: Okay man, it was a miracle, can we leave now?
As he drifted off into unconsciousness, Luke finally realized what “Yug Yug” meant.
“Poison.”
Ulysses:
“No.”
The heater in Barad-Dur is not working, so to be sufficiently warm Sauron adjourns to the Samath Naur in Orodruin to await news of the battle of the Black Gates nervously. Frodo rushes in, checking over his shoulder for Gollum to get past Sam and come for him. Frodo runs smack dab into Sauron.
Frodo: “Oh, hi. I didn’t see you there. Excuse me.”
Sauron: “Welcome halfling. Baggins, I presume? What a pleasant surprise.What brings you to Mordor at this time of year?”
Frodo: “I was going to return this here One Ring to the fire from whence it came. Thus ending the evil of Sauron in the world.”
Sauron: “Huh. I had never thought of that.” Grabs the ring and jumps into the lava.
Gollum: “MY PRECIOUS!” Jumps after Sauron.
Sam: “Who was that guy?”
Frodo: “I have no idea, but he obviously hated this world.” Suddenly realizes that he too hates this world and starts moping around.
Sam: “This place is going to blow up like a wizard’s stronghold at the end of a Hollywood fantasy, we’ve got to get out of here.”
Frodo: “Oh, alright.”
…
Sam: “Well, I’m back.”
I was almost to the top of the space ship’s ramp, when she broke through the crowd and held the book high.
“We misread the title. it’s not TO SERVE MAN, it’s TO SERVE MAO. It’s a history of Chinese Communism!”
With that, I continued up the ramp, eager to build a new life on our new planet.