I had never heard of the term “Toxic Positivity” until recently (there are all kinds of Google search hits for it now - here, here, hereand here , for instance), but I think, like “passive-aggressiveness,” the thing had always been there despite not having a name yet.
In a healthy trend that I hope keeps going, society seems to finally be having a long-overdue backlash to the following behaviors (note: not an all-inclusive list):
[ul]
[li]“Copes”: Telling yourself, or others, that the world is fair - that unrepentant bullies will get their comeuppance eventually, for instance (when in fact the world is not fair and unrepentant bullies may go on to live *great *lives);[/li][li]Positive gaslighting: Telling yourself, or others, that “it’s going to be all right” when in fact things clearly are not, or will not, be all right; denying unpleasant reality - for instance, telling ugly people that they are in fact “beautiful” and face no looks-ism disadvantage when they complain about facing a looks-ism disadvantage;[/li][li]An attitude that “a positive attitude/outlook overcomes all things,” or demanding that people always look on the bright side / pull themselves up by their bootstraps;[/li][li]Offering trite cliches/platitudes to people who are suffering;[/li][li]Telling depressed people to “snap out of it”;[/li][li]Suppressing people’s complaints or feeling of things gone wrong instead of allowing them to vent/express;[/li][/ul]
The common denominator in most of these “toxic positive” behaviors is an attempt to make the outward symptoms of unhappiness go away, while not addressing the inner actual underlying problems - or an attempt to portray reality as being something better than what it actually is.
With the rise of the Internet, in particular, it has become easier for communities like Reddit to establish groups in which toxic positivity is ***not ***promoted and people are freer to express and vent what is really ailing them, particularly with the benefit of anonymity, rather than being forced to put up a stiff upper lip and squelch their feelings.
Some of those things aren’t so terrible. Coping is a good way to deal with the idea that the world isn’t fair. I think I would be a lot healthier if I could convince myself that it way.
Telling an ugly person that they are beautiful is likewise beneficial. I mean, we know the person is ugly, but what can you do about it? Ignore it? Tell them how ugly they are?
The last few things are bad, especially with “demanding” certain things. I understand depression and I can see when people are suffering, but unless I am a family member or close friend, the best I can do is a slap on the back and a reassurance that “things will get better” or some such thing. I’m not their doctor or father. That’s all I can do.
But your point is somewhat taken, however I think there are two different behaviors that you are describing. Especially with the venting thing. When someone is going off, you can usually tell if the person wants an answer or if the person is just frustrated and wants to get it all out. If they want to get it all out, just sit there and let them. Too many people misunderstand the difference and want to interrupt them and engage in a point by point with them. I don’t think that results from “toxic positivity” though.
As someone with serious anxiety issues, suffering from debilitating and terrifying panic attacks for years now - I’m glad there’s a name for what I’ve been additionally suffering from in the form of “help” from friends/family.
From your subsequent description, I thought this was called “Christianity”. That’s not a slam, they really sound like Christian practices and coping mechanisms to me, turning other cheeks and such.
The difference is that with Christianity, it’s supposed to be genuine - i.e., you are genuinely supposed to love your enemies, etc. Whereas with toxic positivity it’s about putting up a happy-looking surface veneer while allowing unsolved problems to fester and worsen underneath.
Sometimes there are unsolved problems that you have no ability to solve and that are out of your control. Trying to focus on the positive things in life and not simply dwell on problems that you can’t fix isn’t toxic, and in fact can lead to feeling better.
I have an in-law who cannot, I am convinced, psychologically tolerate anything negative. If someone complains about something, she does all of those things to “fix” it, or make the person stop complaining. If she’s asked about something she is experiencing, it is never bad or a problem, “it’s fine.” I get that it’s an issue for her – she clearly (and for reasons I won’t go into) was trained from childhood to never say anything negative and never admit there’s a problem. It’s odd, too, because she’s a very caring and compassionate person, and she does want to solve people’s problems, but if she can’t, or can’t do it quickly enough and they are expressing the problems, you can see her desperation to make the negative talking stop.
For some people, it might come from a different place, but regardless, it gets old very quickly when you have genuine complaints or troubles that you would like to express.
I have a friend, on the other hand, who is really good at having a positive outlook, and giving people the benefit of the doubt, without it being toxic.
B.F. Skinner pointed this out in Walden Two, where his character Frazier describes the psychological basis of their utopian colony:
I don’t think this is inherently toxic, but if it’s synthesized ultimately into “have the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, the courage to change the things you can, the wisdom to know the difference”, it’s important not to let it morph into “just shut up and accept it” or “stop making me uncomfortable by talking about it and just get over it.”
I think this stems from an offshoot of a “shoot the messenger” mentality - namely, that the bearer of bad news is somehow as much the problem as the problem itself - and/or that getting the messenger to shut up, somehow makes the actual problem go away as well.
One of the ways it can be particularly toxic is in dealing with kids. My in-law becomes a freaking dancing-clown to get my kids (and hers when hers were little) to stop crying. My spouse and I, on the other hand, think it’s OK, and healthy, for our kids to experience sadness. We empathize and comfort, but don’t immediately try to “fix” the sadness.
So, for example, if a kid handles a toy roughly and it breaks and they are crying, in-law starts immediately chattering about fixing it, “it’s OK, no worries, it’ll be good as new” and will do the fastest possible repair. My spouse and I, on the other hand, don’t go sprinting for the superglue and tape. We empathize, and sometimes draw the connection between actions and consequences. “You threw the toy against the wall, and it broke, and now you are sad.” I might still repair the toy if it’s possible, but not in order to get the kid to stop being sad. I think this teaches kids a number of good things. Sadness is OK, and this is what it feels like. Actions have consequences. We can learn from our past actions – treating breakable things more gently is one way to avoid unnecessary sadness. Whereas I think the main lessons of the toxic positivity approach are, it’s not OK to be sad, it’s a grown-up’s job to fix your sadness, and also to prevent you from experiencing negative consequences of your actions.
I had never the heard of “Toxic Positivity” until I encountered this thread, but based on your description it already has plenty of names, or at least there are plenty of closely related phenomena. Political correctness. The self-esteem movement. Growth mindset.
“Everybody is beautiful”. When I went to college 20 years ago, posters with those words were in every hallway and half the offices. But it’s a lie by definition. Human physical beauty can only be defined relative to other people. A few people are significantly more beautiful than the rest. A few are uglier. Most look about average. People will be happier if they acknowledge the truth. Telling ugly people that they’re beautiful is a lie and will do nothing to improve their lives. (Not to say it’s beneficial to insult people’s looks, but as children grow up it’s best to gently lead them to the truth about their looks, whatever that truth is.)
Likewise with “All children are gifted”, which was posted all over the walls in all the elementary and middle schools that I attended. It’s a falsehood by definition.
Blogger and psychologist has a good post on voodoo psychology, looking at a long list of claims that giving people a small positive cue can solve some deep-seated psychological problem. In case after case, it turns out not to be true, of course.
The place where this attitude bugs me the most is when people are sick. The way the positive energy mafia acts you’d think the sick person caused their disease and/or are actively sabotaging their own recovery. Like those goddamned cancer cheerleaders–look, it’s absolutely valid for a person with a shit prognosis to refuse further debilitating treatment and focus on quality of life over quantity. No, not everyone has to “keep fighting this” just to make YOU more comfortable. Death is unavoidable and it’s perfectly okay to be realistic about it and to choose the avenue to it that suits you best, stop trying to positive thoughts tumors away, it doesn’t work and it puts an intolerable burden on a sick person who already is having to confront their own mortality. Support their burden and stop shoving your discomfort onto sick people, that’s gross.
I’m not sure what the point is. Sure, there are always insufferable or disingenuous people who constantly feel that they, if not everyone, should constantly portray a happy disposition, regardless of the circumstances.
OTOH, there are also plenty of people who act like the worst unforgivable sin is not looking at the world through a cynical, jaded lens.
There was an article a few years ago that pointed out that by insisting “Everyone is beautiful,” such an attitude actually further stigmatizes ugliness. It further hammers home the point that ugliness is shameful and bad through its desperate insistence that nobody is ugly.
People confuse optimism and positivity. Optimists are able to see and talk about the shittiness around them, but they are also able to have hope. Their hope is always realistic and evidence-based. Positive people, in contrast, believe that simply talking about shittiness things is harmful or unproductive. They believe if one does not think happy thoughts, then they are to blame for their unhappiness. Their kind of hope is the fantastical kind. They refuse to listen to any criticism for fear it might shake their faith.
While it is true that there are some problems that can be addressed by a person having some agency over their life, I find the idea that happiness is a sign of personal virtue to be disgusting. It is a notion that has been peddled by the oppressor class since the beginning of time. It is important for members of the non-oppressor class to resist it.
There are lots of people who are desperately uncomfortable with just sitting with other people’s misfortunes and pain. That’s where a lot of this behavior arises (not all of it). I will never forget visiting the deathbed of a friend with AIDS, whose neighbor came in while I was there. “You’ll get over this, you’ll see!” she chirped with ghastly cheer.
I think that might be different than the cultural value of everyone is equally wonderful, and stay on the sunny side. Akin though.
I had never heard the phrase before this thread, but when I heard it, I immediately thought of the some of the examples in the OP The worst example is making cancer patients feel responsible for recurrence of the disease. Damn it, it recurred because they didn’t remove or kill all the malignant cells.
I guess I am fortunate that I don’t know anyone that engages in that sort of behavior.
I thought depression. Particularly that one cunt of an ex- who told me “You know, happiness is a choice !” a few chat lines after I’d revealed I’d tried to off myself in the darkest of winter.
Basically “toxic positivity” brings to mind a hundred Instagram feel-good empty-ass phrases that get passed along. Presumably by people who want to kill themselves to people who want to kill themselves. At least that’s how I interpret the manic, empty, “wholesome” bs.
People are not taught how to be compassionate listeners. Most of us only get a lot of advice and platitudinous assurances from friends and family when we are in times of emotional need. So when we are called upon to show someone support, we naturally tend to default to advice and platitudous assurances.
It was only when I started going to therapy that I realized what good support looks like. Or rather what it isn’t. It isn’t telling someone, “Don’t worry! Things will work out somehow!” It isn’t “Just be happy you aren’t living under a bridge.” It also isn’t “Have you tried X, Y, and Z yet?”
I know it can often feel unsatisfying to just validate what someone is feeling, but most times that is all person needs you to do. They don’t want you to give them a platitude about looking on the bright side or how God works in mysterious ways or how important it is to have hope. They just want you to say “Man, that sucks. I am sorry you are going through this. Just know I will be here to help any way I can.”