So the resident lazy, self-centered, moronic twit at my office is getting married in a few months. It Italy, to her boyfriend who has family there, including his parents. This is the guy she cheated on her husband with, and they’re living together.
Her first wedding was in Vegas, but classy I guess, with the expensive traditional wedding gown and attendants and everything. She’s been divorced less than two years, if that matters.
She’s looking through bridal magazines and is picking out a dress. A full-on, balls to the walls, fairy-princess, every little girl’s dream of a wedding gown. Hmm. Now, I’m only 36, and I wear white after labor day and believe in being progressive and all, but huh? I’d always thought you were allowed one of those dresses, and any future weddings should include a dress that’s more toned down, more elegant, and not white white. Maybe you could get away with a taupe or an ecru. I’m pretty sure that my personal dislike of the girl is not what’s motivating me to let her know that she needs to go in a different direction than this. You had your fairytale white dress wedding, sweetie. Sorry you mucked it up and all, but what you’re doing is just tacky, in my opinion. And his family, by your account, are the original old-country Italian Catholics. I don’t see this ending well.
But, I may be wrong. I could be out of the loop on wedding dresses. Maybe things have changed that much for traditional weddings. What’s the concensus on this?
Hm, I was under the same impression. I always thought the second wedding was supposed to be a bit more low key. You could maybe choose off, off white or a pale color. Preferably something simple…but then, people are getting married under water in shark tanks. So I suppose it’s a case of “to each her own”?
It does sound a little inappropriate and over the top, yes.
A friend of mine had a similar situation in her family a few years back. Her cousin wanted the big Barbie Dream Wedding for her third marriage. To put the icing on the cake, the bride was six months preggers.
Finally my friend just said to herself, “Oh, what the hell. I don’t care what color dress she wears. I’ll go to the reception, eat the good food, drink the good booze, and congratulate her.” And she did.
Well, technically, you’re correct. A second wedding is supposed to be less of a three-ring circus, but having the full-on meringue thing at second (or later) weddings has been a growing trend for quite a long time. It’s not traditional proper etiquette, but it’s becoming more and more acceptable. Most people just kind of roll their eyes at and go on these days. Eventually it will become “tradition” for all formal weddings, remarriage or not, to have the big white dress, just like the big white dress became tradition in the first place.
One of my friends, a judge, wore the traditional white wedding gown for her second marriage. I admired her for doing her wedding to suit herself and the groom rather than some stranger’s rule book.
Can anyone remember when guests didn’t wear black to a wedding? Now even bridesmaids wear black. Traditions change.
Laws on wedding dresses vary widely from state to state. Some people have suggested moving the whole matter up to the federal level and standardizing the wedding apparel code but legislation is being held up in committee. So your friend is probably safe but she should consult a lawyer and/or fashion designer who’s familiar with her jurisdiction.
It’s not that I really care what she wears. I certainly won’t be going to Italy to attend. I’m just not looking forward to the next several months of her attention-seeking obsessing over every minor detail of this ridiculous thing… you have to know and work with her every day to understand my dread. Ugh.
But of course, she’s allowed to do whatever she wants, and I won’t say a word. I know when to just keep my mouth shut. I just wanted to know if it was widely accepted now.
I don’t give a crap about all that “gasp, you can’t wear white again!” bull, but what these women don’t get is: they look foolish.
Yes, your relatives and friends are secretly sitting in the pews thinking, “Who does she think she’s kidding?” And it’s what they’re talking about out in the parking lot and at the reception. I know because I’ve been to a few of those big white second weddings. They’re snarkfests.
I thought that a white wedding dress was originally supposed to symbolize the purity (virginity) of the bride and the reason you weren’t supposed to wear white for a second wedding is at that point you can’t even pretend you’re a virgin. As premarital sex has become more acceptable the explicit association of the white dress with virginity is lost on many people so there’s no reason for a second time bride not to wear white.
So by that rule, if it’s the second marriage for the bride but first for the groom, the guy never gets to expereince the white dress wedding in his life? Doesn’t seem quite fair…
Yes, but who were the idiots who married her the last three times?
FWIW, my big brother and his beloved (both in their 40s) just got married last week. They had both been married once before (to other people). She has three sons, the youngest 18, and he has two kids, the youngest 15. To top it off, they’ve been living together for NINE YEARS! And you know what? She had a white gown (not a super elaborate one, but definitely a bridal gown) and three bridesmaids (two friends and my niece) and he wore a nice suit and had four groomsmen (her three sons and his one son). No tuxedos.
I must report, much to my surprise, that it was beautiful.
I was as shocked as anyone. Note that it was a relatively small wedding (maybe 75 people in attendance, max, including the kids and their dates) and the ceremony was held at the small catering hall just before the reception. It wasn’t Westminster Abbey, but it was a nice time. (And, no, the Queen did NOT attend, but no one took it as a snub in this instance.) They weren’t trolling for huge gifts. The bride didn’t even throw a tantrum when the catering staff knocked over the wedding cake, then got their handprints all over it while trying to reassemble it. The whole thing was done with a sense of humor and proportion, and all five of the kids approved of the marriage 100%.
The both of them had had a really lousy time in their first marriages, and my brother only got custody of his kids from their crackhead mother five or six years ago (and has never gotten a penny of child support). Mostly, it was so obvious that the two of them were deliriously happy and still madly in love that it was impossible not to play along and have a good time.
I guess it depends on the individuals and whether they go over the top.
Nope. Well, not “nope” that you thought it, but “nope, white was not originally supposed to symbolize the purity (virginity) of the bride” nor did it do so until very recently. And even more recently, it doesn’t symbolize that anymore. It was a flash in the pan as far as symbolism goes.
Most bridal magazines and websites I’ve seen lately urge women to “wear what you want!” because “it’s your day!” Of course, peddling 5 white floofy gowns and the associated flowers, cakes and booze to women with way too much money to spare gets the wedding industry far more income than a tasteful suit and skulking off to the Justice of the Peace like my grandmother would deem “appropriate” for a second, third or further marriage.
I personally think it’s tacky in the situation you’ve described, but let’s face it. The bride is tacky. I don’t have a problem with divorced people having weddings: everyone deserves a second chance and all. But if that divorce came because of adultery (as opposed to other reasons), I think it’s pretty ballsy of someone to don a white dress and waltz down a church aisle as if she were a 20 year old virgin.
If she were a widow, still relatively young and marrying some guy who’d never been married before, then yeah, maybe. Even the menfolk should have a “real” wedding their first time out if they want one. Or if husband #1 cheated on her? Hell yes, have an even better wedding with husband #2!
Other than that, though, I think a 2nd wedding should be more subdued.
Huh. I stand corrected on there being any original symbolism. So when and where did the white symbolizing virginity come in? Because I have definitely heard the expression of someone being able to wear white as a euphemism for virginity.
