Trangender (FtM) Questions

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’m going to try to keep this short, but it may end up rambling.

I’ve always had doubts about my gender. In fact, I’ve had a male online alter ego (which I initially used on these boards, among other places, before I started consistently venting in the Pit) since 2000. I married a man who identifies as FtM. and, as a result, I’ve been reevaluating my own situation, and I think I’d be more comfortable/happier/right as a man.

This is a hard realization. It’s even harder to know what to do. Therapy is expensive, and I know I should get it (hell, for the bipolar disorder if nothing else). I’ve recently started telling people. It started with a close friend IRL and here on the boards, and spread to my online friends (some of whom knew me as male), and to my mom (who was surprisingly cool).

It’s really screwing with me. When my husband first started talking about his troubles, I was paranoid about him leaving me. Now. . .the tables are turned, so to speak, and I don’t know that I want to stay. It’s not for lack of love, it’s for lack of. . .I don’t know. . .couple-ness? I don’t feel romantic most of the time. Maybe it’s my meds, maybe it’s this. I don’t know.

I know there are a few MtFs on the boards (don’t know about FtMs). I don’t know what to do or what to expect. I don’t know whether my diagnosis of Bipolar II will affect my ability to get counseling or possible treatment. I don’t know how to pass, because I have freaking DDs (though a few loclal friends will call me by my chosen name). It’s been causing me tears, and heartache, and wanting to tear out of my own skin the last few days.

So, those dopers who have experience here. . .do you think I can get treatment? How much is it? Does it suck? What about the relationship thing?

(Note–I know that there are TG boards out there. The people on this board, though, are singularly witty and insightful. I have more in common with you guys than I do with folks who hare my gender ID).

2

I have absolutely no insight on your dilemma and no helpful knowledge at all. BUT - we’ve talked a few times in the past and it is as a concerned friend (or at least pseudo-friend) that I say definitely get some kind of counseling. I’m not insinuating that something is “wrong” with you, but it does sound very much to me that you are in a situation that is creating an awful lot of stress, and getting someone with some outside perspective and some tools to cope with this seems to be the wisest and most immediate concern.

Good luck to you.

3

I think Life on Wry’s advice is sound. With so many different issues going on, I really think counseling would be a good idea. Hope that things get easier for you soon.

4

Thirded. This is a bunch of strangers on a message board and most of 'em are dysfunctional in one or more obvious ways, starting with me. I wouldn’t rewire my house on Doper input, and this is way more important and more likely to fuck you up good and proper if it ain’t done right. There are people who study hard and get paid to handle your situation. Let the Dope serve for warm fuzzies, but go elsewhere for meaningful advice on life-changing decisions.

5

Definitely go see a therapist, hopefully you can find a good one who has experience with transgendered people. I’ve learned a small bit about it - the real-life test and all that needed before surgery, but since you are conflicted and may possibly want to make the change, you’ll be required to see one anyway. And no matter what happens, seeing a good therapist will be able to help you out. Good luck!

6

What does it mean when you say your husband identifies as FtM?

7

I want to add my support and hopefully my past experiences may help you.

I met my first boyfriend when we were 17. At the time he was an online friend of a close friend of mine, so we met through her. He came to visit a few times, we clicked and decided to start a long distance relationship. It was the first serious relationship for both of us.

He was very feminine, but at 17 there are always a few late bloomers. But over the next 6 months and another visit or two certain things started seeming false (did I see cleavage on my boyfriend?! etc) and he eventually confessed that he was physically female but talking with a therapist about becoming physically male.

At the time he had not started hormone therapy and was living as a male for another year or so before the doctors felt right going ahead with any medications or surgery. I wasn’t surprised, as my suspicions had been growing for some time. He had been afraid to spring such a big secret on me, seeing as how all of his online friends consider him male and he had not anticipated starting a relationship with me. After a brief period of time in which I was both angry and confused, we talked it over and decided we really did care about each other and that gender was irrelevant (it was at this time I confessed to him that I was bisexual, which definitely made it easier to reconcile our relationship).

I learned a lot about the FtM transition, both from watching him go through it and from reading everything possible to support him. I gave talks at my college’s gay/straight alliance meetings and generally acted as his support and advocate. I was with him through the beginnings of hormone therapy and the first breast removal surgery. We broke up shortly after.

It can be hard. He was very depressed, had huge image issues (naturally) and was generally not feeling too awesome about himself. But we had a loving relationship, a great sex life and eventually we broke up not because he was becoming man but because we grew apart.

So the first thing I want to assure you is that before, after, and DURING your transition you are just as capable of being loved and finding love as anyone else. That was always his biggest fear. But I think you should see a counselor and discuss every aspect of what this change means, what it is you want, and how you FEEL you ought to live. It may take a year or two before you have a good idea of who you are, but trust me when I tell you there ARE people out there who can help you cope with the confusion.