Trans issues, or the politics of transsexuality

Great Debates
61

On the subject of toilets at work…OK, I’ll share my experiences.

I’ve never been “made” as anything but an XX woman in public among strangers. Without going into detail, due to my genetics I was always able to pass with very minimal effort. Sometimes with no effort at all. So outside of work, meh, never had a problem.

My work transition was a long strategy which took about a year. To handle the toilet issue, I called a meeting, went to lunch, or visited with every woman on my office floor. I sat down and told them my story. I laid out my doctor’s letters. I showed them all my IDs which said “female.” I told them that I understood it would seem strange seeing me in their “space”, but that it was my space too, and I would do everything in my power to unobtrusive and not bother them. I told them if they had concerns to approach HR and the Division leadership, anonymously if need be, and that I would not be offended.

Before transition I received 100% support. In fact, all of the secretaries got together and had a meeting, and decided unanimously to adopt me as their “little sister”, and told me that if I ever felt uneasy about going to the bathrooms to IM or e-mail ANY of them, and they would be my “bathroom buddy” and escort me to and from the toilets, and run interference and help explain to any women from other floors who happened to be there. Several of the female scientists offered the same.

When I came back to my desk the next day, there was a Hallmark card, a big fold-out talking about “awesome women in history”, which had a message telling me I was an “awesome woman” and signed by the women in my office.

It made me cry. But I wondered how well that support would last on “T-Day” and beyond. Once the reality of the senior manager they knew as a male was now in their private space.

On T-Day my secretary escorted me for the first trip. I did my business, washed up, chatted with her, remarked on how INCREDIBLY clean, good-smelling, and quiet and nice the ladies’ was compared to the mens’, and we left. Later on that day, and over the rest of the first week, I went numerous times on my own. I tried to go in, do my business, wash up at the far sink, and get out without interacting with anyone.

But I couldn’t. Because for the first week every time I met other women in the bathrooms at the sinks, they would exclaim “there she is!” and come over to chat with me. Then others would come in, and would light up “oh wow, Una’s here! Welcome!” with big smiles. Frequently, they would hug me and ask me if I was doing alright, if I was nervous being in there, did I need anything, etc. By the end of the first week I went in like any other woman in the office, chatted happily to anyone in there, no awkwardness, nothing wrong at all. And now it’s so routine I don’t even think about it. Today I joined into a 5-woman bitch session near the sinks about a new company policy, as easily and natural as anything.

Overall, I had the best possible experience a transwoman could ever have in such a situation. I know of no others as doggone lucky as me.

62

Take credit yourself, Una Persson, for showing such openness and grace to your coworkers. I’m sure the coworkers who were so awesome to you will pass on what they learned and how they adapted. That kind of social intelligence and kindness are contagious.

63

Funnily enough, I am a lesbian with short hair who wears no makeup (although I am not terribly butch in the grand scheme of things) and have, in fact, been reprimanded by a senior citizen for using the women’s bathroom. Caught off guard, I basically told her to mind her own business and flounced out. The supreme irony is that I was several months pregnant at the time, but you couldn’t see it under my bulky coat.

So, this is a bit of a hijack, but I’ve always found it kind of mind-bending when talking with my transsexual friends. How gendered clothing, hair, and makeup is so important to them as a signifier of who they are, whereas wearing non-gender-specific clothing, non-gender-specific hair styles and no makeup is for me such a very freeing experience. A way to be more authentic for me, really. I find it interesting how “lipstick” styling seems a little shallow to me, but can be deeply meaningful to others.

64

I can think of two reasons for that. Makeup, hairstyles, fashion…those things are play for a lot of women. Maybe the grown up equivalent would be sports enthusiasm and participation for the stereotypical straight guy. And those things are pretty much forbidden and off limits for guys, so it’s a desirable form of play that exclusively women get to enjoy.

And any cosmetics loving woman can tell you how many flaws good hair and makeup can cover or draw attention away from. A person with a gentically unfair dose of testosterone might have short eyelashes, thin hair, a square jaw, stubble, muscular legs and arms…things good makeup and fashion can disguise and smooth over. Can you imagine the joy a trans female might feel when she finally gets to shop the first time for and experiment with all that stuff that hallmarks the typical woman? I imagine that’s a rush and a relief.

In my fantasy life I sport no makeup, a shaved head and wear the hiking, paddling, and gardening clothes that suit my hobbies. But in my real life my identity is partially tied to looking girly though I do mostly guy things, and the men I’ve loved have desired that feminine look that is sometimes play, sometimes a huge pain in the ass. I can see both sides, though the middle ground seems the safest place to grow for most of us.

65

I’m glad to hear you had so much support, Una. You’re lucky to have such cool co-workers.

One thing is, wouldn’t people also complain if you had trans people using the “opposite” restrooms? Like you had a MtF use the men’s room, you’d have men complain about “guys wearing women’s clothing” in the men’s room. Or women would freak if they saw a FtM in the women’s room. (Especially since a lot of the time, you can’t even tell)
As for a fetish, come on. Like you don’t have men getting off on watching other men in the restrooms? Or women who watch other women? Please. Besides, that’s why bathrooms have stalls. As long as you don’t piss on the seat, remember to flush, and wash your hands, I really don’t care.

66

Your experiences are awesome. Under normal circumstances, I’d find all that hugging to be disquieting, but I think for serious things like this then it may be justified.

Really, though - not to you but to the crowd - the whole question of ‘what about bathrooms?’ strikes me as being disingenuous, like trying to lower the level of discourse from actually discussing trans people’s lives and livelihoods into something base and scatalogical and unthreatening. Toilets themselves have stalls around them, and there’s nothing indecent about washing your hands - hell, in China, a lot of places have only one sink, outside of both restrooms. As for the piss-trough, anyone raised correctly shouldn’t be peeping at people’s junk at the trough anyway.

67

I disagree with this analysis.

I’ve found the average transphobe genuinely views trans people as perverts. This goes a long way to explaining their fear of sharing a bathroom with one.

And the last thing a transphobe wants to do is make trans people unthreatening. They want quite the opposite- for everybody to view trans people as the same hideous threat to goodness and normalcy they do.

68

On the balance, I think you’re right. But it’s still disingenuous.

69

Are you suggesting that an employer can’t enact a dress code? Every employer I have ever had has forced me to dress as they deem appropriate.

70

Perhaps I’m not understanding this side-argument, but an employer cannot legally say “some women can dress female way and other women in the same job duties have to dress male.” Since transsexuals are now considered to be protected under Title VII as per Macy v. Holder, a company trying to force a transwoman to dress male is going to end up in court, and, given the EEOC’s new special focus on transpeople, the employer will almost certainly lose.

71

And cool clients too. All of my clients have accepted me fully, they are giving me new business and working with me, even in person, like nothing has changed, and I received a few supportive e-mails and calls from them. Including one case where a rough old country boy client of mine got sniffly and said he was so happy for me. Other (male) clients have given me hugs, and of course all the female clients have. I have not had a single negative experience with a client thus far.

And for so long, absolutely fucking years, I was so terrified of being out. When a couple of assgoblins on the SDMB tried to blackmail me by threatening to “out” me at work (one of them did actually contact my previous employer and tried to do it), it caused me so much stress…and it was probably all for nothing.

Some other shoe may drop at some point, but from what I can see I am living a charmed transition life.

Oh they would complain alright. And much worse could happen.

Transwomen who are en femme and forced to use a men’s room are routinely subjected to questioning, jokes, taunts, slurs, grabbing, attempts to evict them, groping and sexual abuse, hitting and punching, beatings, and in the worst cases rape or gang-rape. I have personally spoken with transwomen who as a group have suffered all of these abuses. I personally have witnessed minor abuse happening right in front of my eyes. Thankfully, due to my messed-up genetics I’ve always “passed” at whatever I want to with minimal effort, and I’ve never been “made” or challenged in a women’s bathroom, even after talking to them. Again, charmed transition life.

But many of my trans sisters…not so much.

72

How have your employers addressed women who cut their hair, forgo make-up, and wear pant suits, khakis, button-downs, brogans, and other traditionally male attire?

73

From what you’ve said, your smooth transition was a direct result of a enormous amount of hard work. Do you find that some transpeople have rough transitions because they didn’t work as hard, or even took offense at the idea that they might have to (e.g., having to present the case that you have as much right to use “their” bathroom as them)?

74

I don’t want anyone to think that it was just that. I had a lot of advantages with other transwomen don’t have.

For starters, I’ve been in my business for ages. A lot of my co-workers have worked with me for decades, and they are friends. A young transwoman starting out at a job might have very few allies.

I hold an important position, and my company did not want to lose me. A younger person starting out in their career, or who hasn’t been recognized at work, is going to have a much more difficult time.

I had money. The unemployment rate among transwomen is staggering, at one point it was near 50% for “out” transwomen. And the underemployment rate is just as bad. I personally know a former molecular biologist who works at a quickie mart, and a former senior IT manager who became a telemarketer. Many transwomen are desperately poor.

Why do I bring this latter point up? Because I could dress for success. I wore very sharp suit-skirts and pantsuits my first days in the office which were tailored to fit and looked badass. I could buy the expensive shoes that fit. I took the makeup classes to specifically learn “work makeup.” I could pay for help. And I had the money to make mistakes.

I had a genetic advantage too, already mentioned.

Importantly, I was always nice to people at work, especially all the women. Yeah, there was a rare case where I had to lay down the law with someone, but 99.5% of the time I was “sweet.” In fact, the secretaries told me that I was the nicest manager to work under in the entire company. I respected them, never asked them to do things which would make them uncomfortable (like working late on a night they need to pick up their kids), and always talked to them, every day, meaningfully. My secretary said “Una, the difference with you is when you ask me ‘how was your weekend?’ you really, honestly care how my weekend was.”

And yes I planned, for about a year in advance, maybe two depending on how you count it. I watched what the female senior VPs at work wore, and noted it down. The style, cut, color, jewelry they used to accessorize, what kind of purse, etc. What shoes did they wear? Style, heel height, etc? I watched and studied how women walked, how they talked, how they stood. The small and subtle difference in interpersonal interactions between male and female conversations.

Sounds like something a stalker would do. But my motives were pure: not having been brought up in a circle of girlfriends, I needed to learn in a year everything they learned their entire lives. I peppered my secretary and all other women I’d come out to privately with questions. “Can you tell me how you put on your mascara? What brand of shoes do you think are the most comfortable? How can I keep hose from running so easily?” I took notes, voluminous notes, and studied them.

I practiced. For months I practiced dressing for work and going out on the town dressed like I was heading to the office at 7:00am. Picking the right jewelry, color, size, style, etc. I did my work makeup so many times I could do it on autopilot, and knew how to fix any imperfections or flaws. How to put product in my hair, how to blow dry it properly to add body, etc. I even bought very female glasses. And there are a million tiny things. You have to learn to get into and out of a car properly. How to sit at a table, how to eat, how to drink. How to sit, stand, and walk.

Like being reborn and relearning everything.

I’m a scientist - I worked the problem: “how can an intersex person who has been presenting as male for so many years be the most damn convincing female executive possible in an office environment?”

My first week everything was carefully planned by me. Every outfit for the first 5 days was one I considered a “power outfit.” Conservative skirt-suits. A full-length wool skirt-suit, a knee-length pinstripe suit which fit my body and showed off an hourglass figure. A pantsuit which just flowed like silk and looked fantastic. I wore new copies of my dancing shoes, because I knew that if women see someone they knew as a guy wobbling in heels, it would set off their “uncanny valley” alarms. So I wore my dancing shoes because by God, if I could dance for hours in them and do a jump and 720-degree aerial spin and land perfectly every time, I could stride through my office with ease. My first Friday, typically a casual day, I wore a shimmery peasant skirt which drew “ah’s” and “ooo’s” with Victorian boots and a fitted top that flattered my figure to the point of being sycophantic.

Every day I was surrounded or approached by women saying “damn, girl, you are looking sharp!” By the 4th day my secretary frowned, and said half-jokingly “you know, you’re making all the rest of the women look bad.” But they know (I told them) that I needed to “dress for success” because for my first weeks I knew every single eye would be on me.

I planned my script. I planned a thousand possible answers to questions, thinking and rethinking the best way to respond to the inevitable questions. And it all worked out. I’m still very early in this process, and I’ve completely assimilated.

~

I have never met anyone who planned as much as I did, and it surely helped me a lot. For a variety of reasons the either don’t, or are denied the ability to do so because they don’t have my advantages. In many ways I had it easy - but I did also work my tail off.

75

Good lord - I certainly haven’t mastered all that!

Then again, no matter how butch I’ve dressed, or how inept my fashion sense, or any tomboy thing I did no one has ever questioned that I’m a woman. I don’t have to work nearly as hard to be accepted for who I am.

And that, really, is a fundamental unfairness faced by transpeople. They shouldn’t have to work that hard to be accepted for who they are.

76

Her transistors??? Una’s an android!! I suspected as much.

77

I wish. That would have made my life easy.

78

Exactly.

79

Oh please. Checking out fashion is never stalking. Most women are checking out what other women are wearing. Sadly, here in Pittsburgh, most people dress like they’ve been cleaning the garage. It’s the one thing that shames me about my hometown. Pittsburgh is extremely ensembly challenged.

80

Thanks for the fascinating response. It still seems like you’re selling yourself short: your advantages in career, money, power, etc. are also due to the fact that you set aside your inner self for many years in order to prepare for the right moment. A transperson unable or unwilling to make this many-year investment just isn’t going to have the same success. I would say your only “unearned” advantage seems to be your (apparently) high mental health–an ingredient which is sadly missing for a larger than normal segment of the trans community.