Transgender psychology question

I have a good online friend who’s pre-op male-to-female transgender. We’re just platonic friends and occasionally do online roleplay together in fantasy worlds and such.

She’s relatively early in the pre-op process, and she has pictures online on Facebook. Every now and then she’ll ask me, “Do I look pretty?” and I’ll have to come up with an answer, trying to avoid sending her into (what I’d classify in a monogendered person as) an insecure “What do you mean by that?” tizzy.

I need some advice on transgender psychology. How to give an honest assessment of someone’s appearance without the unspoken “You look good for a transgender” put at the end of every sentence. And she’s already indicated to me that she prefers for me to be honest. I simply… don’t possess the vocabulary, or the perspective, required of me.

(In case you’re thinking she’s attracted to me, I can assure you that she’s happily engaged and that’s not at all the case.)

That’s kind of like asking for help with ‘female psychology’ or ‘male psychology’. It varies from person to person. Some transgendered people are very sensitive about how they look, and need constant reassurance that they can ‘pass’ as their new gender. Others are self-confident and don’t really care. Just like everyone else. However, transgendered people often have gender dysphoria, at least while pre-op, and it can be very painful for them. So my advice is to tread gently.

If it were me, I’d probably say something like, “Honestly, I don’t know much about transgender issues, and I don’t really know how to respond, and I’m worried about saying the wrong thing. So I’d prefer it if we just avoided that whole line of questioning and get back to role playing.” You could offer some positive reinforcement like, “I’m amazed at how strong you must be to tackle this - it can’t be easy for you.”

Transgendered people have a very tough situation, and the suicide rate is very high. I believe this is especially true for M-to-F transgendered people, as society is still not very understanding, and they can have tremendous difficulty with family, friends, and co-workers. So definitely be there to offer support and encouragement. Just be careful about answering questions like “Am I pretty?”

Thanks, Sam. And you’re right, of course, about transgender psychology being just as broad a topic as female or male psychology. And no doubt it’s less-understood, too.

Is there anywhere I can go, any site I can look up, that will help educate me a little bit about (again, the broad topic) of LGBTQ issues? She and I are good friends, but sometimes I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. I want to… get better, so to speak.

I would just google it. There are tons of resources out there.

Just be a good friend. Be someone she can talk to. Make it clear to her that you’re fully with the program, that you understand how difficult it must be, and you’d be happy to be a sounding board if she needs to rant, or cry, or just talk about the difficulties of transitioning. It’s the same advice I’d give anyone with a friend going through difficult times, regardless of the reason.

Although the transgender angle does add an extra dimension to this, the answer to this question is going to be quite similar to the correct etiquette in any other situation where someone asks “do I look gorgeous?”, where the honest answer isn’t a straightforward yes.

Pick what you consider to be her best feature and compliment her on that. “That hair style is perfect for your face!” “Your eyes look amazing!” “I’ve never seen such a beautiful smile!”

I think it is entirely appropriate to gently say that you prefer not to be put on the spot wrt to these questions because you worry about what to say. I think asking such questions is inappropriate and you would be doing her a service generally discouraging it. Obviously, it is a really difficult situation she is in and she’ll need plenty of kindness and support, so I don’t mean you should react negatively. I just mean that you shouldn’t necessarily have to go along with this kind of behaviour (that doesn’t benefit her anyway) if it makes you uncomfortable, just because she is having a hard time.

I think it would be much better to show her that people like to give compliments of their own accord. That way you can give honest compliments, as Ruby suggests. Give them often, and that can be your friendly attempt at helping her self-esteem, but on your terms and being truthful.

I had a similar online relationship about 10 years ago. Heartbreaking story that did not end well. We had primitive skills in common and for several years I only knew her as a man and was not aware of the transgender issue. I faced the same isssues as you are facing and like you did not know how to respond. She was not a pretty female. His older sister pimped him out in a park to men from the age of 6 until he was about 18. By 18 he was dressing female. I met him in his early 30’s as he was begining the process of becomming female. She ended up falling for a woman instead of a man, she left him and she killed herself. Try and be as tactful as possible but certainly don’t hold yourself resposible for any bad ad decisions she may make.

So is she pretty, or not? Why not just answer honestly?

Because she’s not really asking for honesty. She want’s reassurance. If she asks, you should just say she looks great, but it’s more important that she feels great. Leave it at that. Bald candor is overrated anyway.

It’s a minefield. The only good answer to “Does this this dress make me look fat?” Is to lie, lie, lie.

Doesn’t that make the assumption that the real answer is always “yes”? I always say no, as, if they are fat, it isn’t the dress making them look that way.

I’m not in that sort of situation, worried about saying the wrong thing but wanting to be as honest as possible, I used to struggle with it immensely. Then I realized that the truth is precisely that, tell her that you’re worried about hurting her feelings, saying something and having that obvious undertone there when it’s not intended or whatever.

Part of being her friend means that she particularly values your opinions over other people’s, but it also means you’re going to have context that other people don’t have. For instance, you are aware of her transition, so things that other people may not even notice may stick out a bit more to you than to a random person. You will also be aware of certain aspects that she feel are more or less feminine than others and may be more or less inclined to comment on those things as a result. So, understanding that context can help with the “…for a transgender” be less of an undertone and rather be from you, as a friend an observer.

At least in my mind, that’s really the only way to really be both completely honest, without unnecessarily downing her spirit, and also being kind without blowing smoke. So, yeah… I’d say have a conversation with her about it, get her the clarification she needs, and get yourself the clarification you need to help her with her transition.

If someone asks you for an honest critique/opinion of a photograph, compare it mentally to other photographs of that person that you’ve seen, and honestly tell them whether it’s a flattering picture or an unflattering one. That way you are avoiding criticizing their appearance, but giving them useful feedback on the impact of the specific photograph that they’re asking about.

You can do the same thing for clothing with regards to whether it makes someone look good. Is it a flattering or unflattering dress, compared to the average dress you see that person wear?

Phrase it positively as you can to avoid sounding critical: “yes, that’s a really nice picture of you” or “no, I think the lighting was off”

Just say, “Girl, you are looking fierce!” because fierce as a descriptor of appearances can mean anything.

According to the OP, the friend wants honest answers. It sounds like the transgender friend would rather have an honest “no, you still look masculine,” or a “not yet, but you are looking more feminine all the time” than a dishonest, “OMG you’re gorgeous!”

Honesty is underrated. Be honest.

I’m guessing the OP is female, though it’s not stated. Apologies if I am wrong. Not knowing the friend’s history it’s hard to make useful suggestions, but assuming the friend is not extensively experienced in living as a female, she may be hoping for constructive, supportive advice from someone she trusts who may have useful experience to learn from. If that is the case, consider being gently honest but constructive. If you don’t think she looks pretty, can you identify a specific area she could improve? Maybe you have an idea for makeup or other appearance altering tip she could try? That helps engender hope and if it proves at least a little bit helpful, that means the next time you’ll be ready to render an honest compliment that she’s looking better. Hopefulness and optimism is the key.

Of course, depending on circumstances and personality these suggestions could be wildly off-base.

My friend is MTF, yes. Another way of putting it (which I learned through recent research on this topic) is that her assigned sex is male, but her gender is female.

Thanks for all the wonderful feedback so far! I’m learning a lot!

Tattoo “you look pretty” on your forehead, and if you forget your line, look in the mirror. Also, ignore everyone else’s advice. Apparently, they’re either women, or else they’ve never met one.

Garula meant that you are female. “The OP” is both “the first post in a thread” and “the person who wrote the first post in the thread”.